I can give you two versions of my evening. Both are completely truthful. One part is the part I tell myself, and the other part is the longer version, it's the reality and it's the part that scares the living daylights out of me (where the worrying sets in).
After a busy day running around buying last minute gifts and exchanging presents with my roommate, I was on the road to Botha. I stopped quickly in town to purchase some winning lottery tickets and a quick visit with a good friend and then home to mom.
Mom and I had one of our normal nights. I made dinner, we ate, visited, watched a movie and visited some more and opened our presents.
That’s the rosy cheerful version. Short and sweet. The part that makes me worry… The part that is glaringly obvious to me because I have been gone makes me a bit scared.
I did cook supper. But I also had to cut up my mom’s meat, because she couldn’t. We did visit, but her speech isn’t the great, she stumbles more than I remember. We watched a movie, but she slept through most, which isn’t unusual for her… she sleeps on and off all day. She wears a new brace type thing on her hand to help with the pain, that is new, and somehow slipped the daily updates. I could tell she was in more pain that usual, and she actually came out and told me she wasn’t feeling so good. She usually does her best to hide it from me. We opened our presents, or I guess I should say – I opened our presents. Mom couldn’t open hers, so I opened them for her. Then I helped her get changed and into bed, and tucked her in. I flat out asked her who helps her get ready for bed when I am not around, her reply – ‘I do it on my own,’. When I asked how long it takes her, her reply was ‘Some nights a long time, it takes a couple of tries, other nights I sleep in my clothes.’
It breaks my heart.
These would be things that I would have missed had I been living at home, because I would have seen them on a daily basis and been used to it. But I am not here often at all. I just show up for a couple days and leave. It scares me. It worries me to see her MS progressing, even if it is just tiny baby steps, those baby steps turn into baby leaps and baby bounds and that scares me.
I remember when my mom had to cut my meat for me, and when my mom had to help me get ready for bed, and when she would tuck me in, and when she would help me open my presents. I should be used to it by now; I stepped up to the plate in grade three. No one asked me to, no one told me to – I just did it because no one else was around to do it. And I have been the one doing it since in one form or another. I know she has nurses and all that stuff, but when I come home there is always so much for me to do for her. I get frustrated, I am not an only child… neither is my mother… her family is mostly all within a short drive… but nonexistent when it comes to lending a hand. I don’t hate doing what I do. She is my mother, if roles were reversed she would do the same for me, no questions asked. I hate the MS. I hate the fact that there are people that won’t help. I hate the fact that a stupid disease is slowly yet surely taking away the one parent I have left.
I know I did the right thing by going to school, she reminds me of that on a regular basis. But sometimes I wonder if there isn’t something more I could do. It hurts to know that I can’t be the one to fix things, like usual. It hurts to know that I can’t be the one to help when she needs it. Taking care of her is the one thing I know I am good at, I enjoy doing it… all because I love her. BUT I hate seeing her in that much pain… pain even her strongest pain killers won’t take away. I hate seeing her struggle to pull up or take off her own pants. I hate seeing her struggle getting from her recliner to her wheel chair or from the toilet to her wheel chair. All of these things are way out of my control, way beyond my power, and they scare me.
These things make me realize that she is only human, and she has more forces working against her than I like. I still have so much left in my life that I want her to be a part of and the reality is I am scared that she won’t be around to see it all. I know she’s tough. I know she’s strong, but how much can one person take?! She has been fighting for nearly 20 years now. The woman has been through more agony, pain, mourning and loss than anyone I know… and she keeps going. She is my energizer bunny, she is my inspiration, she gives me hope. But when I see all of this, it takes away a bit of that hope, because I know she is struggling.
And if I say something to anyone, they will say I am overreacting, because I have done it before. Some people need to be around her a little more to see what is happening. Not just a quick visit to drop something off or pick something up. Stay for a day, see what she can and can’t do anymore. Open your eyes.
So what do I do?! I help my mom, I do what I can. I promise myself I will come around more often, and I pretend all is alright. I will go to Christmas dinner tomorrow, and be civil to my family, and leave early. I will thank my mom's nurses who I can see have done fantastic work around the house trying to make things easier on mom. But that's all I can do. I can't be her sole caregiver anymore. I can't be the one to fix things. I can't be a miracle worker. I can lend a hand, I can be a friend, and I can listen and offer support when possible. That's all I can do... and I just have to remind myself of that daily.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
2010... will be a better year
I can't complain too much about 2009... There have been moments that were somewhat similar to an emotional roller coaster (stay tuned for the 2009 in review within the next couple of weeks.) The second half of 2009 kicked ass, the first half was all downhill.
I just hope that 2010 is more uphill than downhill. I know everyone needs balance, and whatever is meant to be will be. I just am hoping for more sunshiney days than rainy ones. I really hope it's possible. I hope for this not only for me, but for the people I love, the ones close to me. Because when they're sad, I am sad. When they're hurting or suffering, so do I. When they're happy, so am I. I wish only the greatest things for them, I don't want to see them go through tough times when there's nothing I can do to change that.
I worry too much, I care too much... that's a fault of mine, but it's honest.
For 2010 I have some resolutions but I swear if I don't follow them I will kick my own ass... so there are four of them. I think they're doable. As long as I keep motivated!
1) Get back in shape - I will buy a swim suit and a gym/pool pass with my first pay cheque, and I will start going to lane swim and aquasize again.... And even try out the gym!
2) Get a higher GPA - I will study more, and harder, I will have study notes from the beginning and not wait until the last week before exams to make them. I will work harder on assignments. I need to get a nerdy GPA in order to stand out from the rest of the thousands of BED students.
3)... oh shit, I've already forgotten... ohwait! Number three is to blog or write more often - I will look into freelancing for some local papers or Albertan magazines. Just to keep my writing up to par. If worst comes to worst I will just have to maintain this blog... I just need to write, it's one of my passions and I need to keep it up.
4) take a fun photography course - like my reading my photography and cameras have been neglected since quitting the paper. I need to get back into it, to revive my passion and add some excitement into my life!! I hope to be able to do that by taking some sort of photography course and just going on fun photo excursions!
Ok seriously I think that's enough writing for one night... I am headed to mom's tomorrow and not too sure if I will have internet there. IF I will, there might be a blog or two, if not - stay tuned there will be some in the near future.
I just hope that 2010 is more uphill than downhill. I know everyone needs balance, and whatever is meant to be will be. I just am hoping for more sunshiney days than rainy ones. I really hope it's possible. I hope for this not only for me, but for the people I love, the ones close to me. Because when they're sad, I am sad. When they're hurting or suffering, so do I. When they're happy, so am I. I wish only the greatest things for them, I don't want to see them go through tough times when there's nothing I can do to change that.
I worry too much, I care too much... that's a fault of mine, but it's honest.
For 2010 I have some resolutions but I swear if I don't follow them I will kick my own ass... so there are four of them. I think they're doable. As long as I keep motivated!
1) Get back in shape - I will buy a swim suit and a gym/pool pass with my first pay cheque, and I will start going to lane swim and aquasize again.... And even try out the gym!
2) Get a higher GPA - I will study more, and harder, I will have study notes from the beginning and not wait until the last week before exams to make them. I will work harder on assignments. I need to get a nerdy GPA in order to stand out from the rest of the thousands of BED students.
3)... oh shit, I've already forgotten... ohwait! Number three is to blog or write more often - I will look into freelancing for some local papers or Albertan magazines. Just to keep my writing up to par. If worst comes to worst I will just have to maintain this blog... I just need to write, it's one of my passions and I need to keep it up.
4) take a fun photography course - like my reading my photography and cameras have been neglected since quitting the paper. I need to get back into it, to revive my passion and add some excitement into my life!! I hope to be able to do that by taking some sort of photography course and just going on fun photo excursions!
Ok seriously I think that's enough writing for one night... I am headed to mom's tomorrow and not too sure if I will have internet there. IF I will, there might be a blog or two, if not - stay tuned there will be some in the near future.
Holiday Happenings take three....
Ok so I know I complain about my family a lot, and most of you think I am exaggerating... until you meet my family and you realize if anything I downplay things and underexaggerate. I love my family, yes I do, more than anything and sometimes don't highlight the amazing and helpful things they do... but it's tough sometimes when the shitty parts outweigh the good stuff. However you will never hear any negative things about my mother come out of my mouth, she's my rock, she's the one and only one that is there time after time after time... she's my stability, she's my hope, she's my guiding light, she's my mother, my father and my best friend.
Christmas dinner is at my Aunty Lynne’s house… and I have to be careful what I write, because for all I know some of my family could read this…. Right Adrianne, wishful thinking. I know SW does, but she’s on the other side of the family, and far enough removed that I can trust she won’t go tattling! Anyways Christmas dinner… at Lynne’s… and I sooo don’t want to go… for complicated reasons. BUT if I don’t go it just adds to my grandmother’s dislike of me, and will lead to more angry hurtful things said about me… but I just want to spend time with my mother. Spending time with them is stressful, they’re judgmental and hurtful. I mean, I know I am not perfect, nor are any of my cousins, but my grandmother treats me unfairly compared to the rest of them. For some reason she has it in her head that I am the bad one… if you were to compare me to my brother (which most people do, for the wrong reasons), you would see I am far from being a bad person!
Another reason I dislike the holidays, is potential drama and fights with my lovely brother. I love him, I really do, but I have given up trying to like him, trying to please him and trying to make him love me. He knows it. I have backed off, and I have paid for it. But it’s easier than the fighting. It gets ugly. Which is sad, because he’s an important part of my life. I don’t know if it bothers me or mom more… she raised us the same, and we turned out so differently. At the same time we’re so much alike, we’re stubborn and motivated and driven… but sometimes he forgets that there are others and that those other people have feelings, wants and desires. I know deep down he loves me, and that somewhere in his soul he cares… but it would be nice if he showed it once and again.
I have hardly seen my nephews since September… before then I had them at least once or twice a week… and I loved it. They’re my boys. Austin doesn’t even recognize my voice anymore and passed up spending an afternoon with me, which broke my heart a bit! They are the reason I keep the peace with my brother, because I want to be a part of their lives.
So I guess I was spared the difficulty of having to attend a Shepherd Christmas… once again no invite was passed my way. Even after Grandma has passed they’re still too self absorbed to realize that their brother had a daughter too… In 20 years I have been invited to two… maybe three of their Christmases. Not like I really expected one, I mean they won’t even talk to me about my own father, why would they invite me to a Christmas?! Ten bucks says my brother was invited… he fits in… he hunts, fishes, drinks and has the same attitude. I however took after my mom, which didn’t float well with them.
Wow this blog is all over the place, not always the most happy, I find the holidays stressful… I just want to spend time with those who are important in my life, the ones I love, the ones that love me and the ones that don’t cause drama… but sometimes a little sacrifice is needed… even if it is painful!
Christmas dinner is at my Aunty Lynne’s house… and I have to be careful what I write, because for all I know some of my family could read this…. Right Adrianne, wishful thinking. I know SW does, but she’s on the other side of the family, and far enough removed that I can trust she won’t go tattling! Anyways Christmas dinner… at Lynne’s… and I sooo don’t want to go… for complicated reasons. BUT if I don’t go it just adds to my grandmother’s dislike of me, and will lead to more angry hurtful things said about me… but I just want to spend time with my mother. Spending time with them is stressful, they’re judgmental and hurtful. I mean, I know I am not perfect, nor are any of my cousins, but my grandmother treats me unfairly compared to the rest of them. For some reason she has it in her head that I am the bad one… if you were to compare me to my brother (which most people do, for the wrong reasons), you would see I am far from being a bad person!
Another reason I dislike the holidays, is potential drama and fights with my lovely brother. I love him, I really do, but I have given up trying to like him, trying to please him and trying to make him love me. He knows it. I have backed off, and I have paid for it. But it’s easier than the fighting. It gets ugly. Which is sad, because he’s an important part of my life. I don’t know if it bothers me or mom more… she raised us the same, and we turned out so differently. At the same time we’re so much alike, we’re stubborn and motivated and driven… but sometimes he forgets that there are others and that those other people have feelings, wants and desires. I know deep down he loves me, and that somewhere in his soul he cares… but it would be nice if he showed it once and again.
I have hardly seen my nephews since September… before then I had them at least once or twice a week… and I loved it. They’re my boys. Austin doesn’t even recognize my voice anymore and passed up spending an afternoon with me, which broke my heart a bit! They are the reason I keep the peace with my brother, because I want to be a part of their lives.
So I guess I was spared the difficulty of having to attend a Shepherd Christmas… once again no invite was passed my way. Even after Grandma has passed they’re still too self absorbed to realize that their brother had a daughter too… In 20 years I have been invited to two… maybe three of their Christmases. Not like I really expected one, I mean they won’t even talk to me about my own father, why would they invite me to a Christmas?! Ten bucks says my brother was invited… he fits in… he hunts, fishes, drinks and has the same attitude. I however took after my mom, which didn’t float well with them.
Wow this blog is all over the place, not always the most happy, I find the holidays stressful… I just want to spend time with those who are important in my life, the ones I love, the ones that love me and the ones that don’t cause drama… but sometimes a little sacrifice is needed… even if it is painful!
Holiday Happenings take two....
I am glad to be home, I missed my bed and Andrea and Salem!!! We had a roommate night tonight! And tomorrow I am headed out to buy Andrea’s Christmas present!!! It’s fit for a queen, or an old lady! I joked to her younger sister (who’s in middle school) that because Andrea and I are soo old we have a strange addiction to tea so I am getting Andrea some tea and a couple of books!!
I’m only here for a night, then I am heading to my mom’s. I am in some serious need of mom time… I guess even as I get older I will still have my needy moments! The woman is my best friend, and I miss spending time with her. I had a moment of jealousy earlier. My sister in law was over with the boys, and I missed spending time with my favourite little gaffers and my mom. I hope to get to see both boys when I am home, or I might go crazy!
Thankfully exams are over, final marks are in, and unfortunately I didn’t do so hot… thanks to my darned earth science. Astronomy was the death of me, bringing my GPA down to 3.12 waaay lower than I wanted… but I guess I just have to try harder for next semester. Like way harder… That’s like a B+, seriously had I tried harder on my astro exams, I could have had a freaken A!!! Well now I will have to try harder this semester, and I have all harder courses!! But by the end of this semester I will have nearly all my mandatory classes!! No more sciences needed!!!! Thank God, I don't know how much more talk of stars, aliens, black holes and all that crap I could have taken! Then it will just be classes working towards my minor, which I haven’t declared yet. I am flip flopping between English as a Second Language, which I could do all in Red Deer or Second Languages: Spanish… which I have to transfer to Edmonton for!
I am glad the semester is over! I am happy to have a new English teacher, I am not happy with how things ended in that course, but whatever. I am sad I won’t have any classes with Cassie, Jessi or Trista… I probably won’t have any with the guys from my English ‘group’ either… which is kind of sad.
I can promise I won’t be as freaked out or stressed out for that matter when exam time comes around in April. 1) because I will be way more prepared 2) I know what to expect and 3) I know I will rock it because I am pretty darned sure I will enjoy these classes more!!!
I think the new semester will be a breath of fresh air, minus the whole trying to make new friends all over again.... argh!!! I could just be a loner... that would be easy!!!
I’m only here for a night, then I am heading to my mom’s. I am in some serious need of mom time… I guess even as I get older I will still have my needy moments! The woman is my best friend, and I miss spending time with her. I had a moment of jealousy earlier. My sister in law was over with the boys, and I missed spending time with my favourite little gaffers and my mom. I hope to get to see both boys when I am home, or I might go crazy!
Thankfully exams are over, final marks are in, and unfortunately I didn’t do so hot… thanks to my darned earth science. Astronomy was the death of me, bringing my GPA down to 3.12 waaay lower than I wanted… but I guess I just have to try harder for next semester. Like way harder… That’s like a B+, seriously had I tried harder on my astro exams, I could have had a freaken A!!! Well now I will have to try harder this semester, and I have all harder courses!! But by the end of this semester I will have nearly all my mandatory classes!! No more sciences needed!!!! Thank God, I don't know how much more talk of stars, aliens, black holes and all that crap I could have taken! Then it will just be classes working towards my minor, which I haven’t declared yet. I am flip flopping between English as a Second Language, which I could do all in Red Deer or Second Languages: Spanish… which I have to transfer to Edmonton for!
I am glad the semester is over! I am happy to have a new English teacher, I am not happy with how things ended in that course, but whatever. I am sad I won’t have any classes with Cassie, Jessi or Trista… I probably won’t have any with the guys from my English ‘group’ either… which is kind of sad.
I can promise I won’t be as freaked out or stressed out for that matter when exam time comes around in April. 1) because I will be way more prepared 2) I know what to expect and 3) I know I will rock it because I am pretty darned sure I will enjoy these classes more!!!
I think the new semester will be a breath of fresh air, minus the whole trying to make new friends all over again.... argh!!! I could just be a loner... that would be easy!!!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Holiday Happenings take one....
So I can easily say that I have had the most amazing Christmas ever, and Christmas hasn't even happened yet. Jordan bought me a plane ticket to Vancouver to meet up with him for five days, not only did I fall more in love with him (yeah, yeah... I can hear the awwwws... and the rest of you saying how 'sick' that is... well shush...!) but I also managed to fall in love with Vancouver.
Don't get me wrong, it's no Amsterdam, Paris, London or Nice... but it has a certain charm and beauty to it that is tough to describe. It's an interesting city with history... Not only does it have charm and beauty, it has a range in topography, which is quite uncommon in rural Alberta! There is the ocean and mountains all surrounding the city. Another amazing factor was the lack of snow and warm weather!!! I was quite shocked to walk of the plane and freeeeeze and see even more snow on the ground!! What a welcome back to this lovely province!!
So my five days in Vancouver were jam packed with time with the boy, friends both old and new and just relaxing. We had never spent so much time together in one time frame, so it was exciting that neither of us tried to kill the other and that we both enjoyed the time as thoroughly as we did. It was seriously the best five days I have had in a row in a long, long time.
It made me realize what I want for my future, and that the long distance relationship is extremely hard but it has reinstilled the hope that one day it will get easier and everything will fall into place. All I need is patience and belief... good thing I can have both of those IF I try hard enough!
I can't wait to go back in February, and I will not be stupid enough to forget my camera at home!! I will take mine and I will document the entire journey!!! It will be epic!!
Leaving was tough, it always is, but this time was so much more difficult. I always thought the goodbyes would get easier as I got used to the situation... but just the opposite is true. Poor Jordan, thought if he fed me liquor it would make me cry less, and in reality I bawled, and sobbed, and told him I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. I tried to keep it together as long as possible, but after Andrea called saying that there was a blizzard and she couldn’t make it to the airport I lost it.
All in all, I managed to say good bye to Jordan twice, crying both times… and make it home alive. Thankfully my cousin landed around the same time as me, and offered to drive me to her dad’s for the night and then home this morning!
Jordan called when he got home, and again I cried. Damnit I remember when I didn’t cry, when it took a person’s death or something major to make me cry… now I am a giant cry baby. Seriously though, it’s tough… especially after being together for an extended period of time, only to be apart again…
Don't get me wrong, it's no Amsterdam, Paris, London or Nice... but it has a certain charm and beauty to it that is tough to describe. It's an interesting city with history... Not only does it have charm and beauty, it has a range in topography, which is quite uncommon in rural Alberta! There is the ocean and mountains all surrounding the city. Another amazing factor was the lack of snow and warm weather!!! I was quite shocked to walk of the plane and freeeeeze and see even more snow on the ground!! What a welcome back to this lovely province!!
So my five days in Vancouver were jam packed with time with the boy, friends both old and new and just relaxing. We had never spent so much time together in one time frame, so it was exciting that neither of us tried to kill the other and that we both enjoyed the time as thoroughly as we did. It was seriously the best five days I have had in a row in a long, long time.
It made me realize what I want for my future, and that the long distance relationship is extremely hard but it has reinstilled the hope that one day it will get easier and everything will fall into place. All I need is patience and belief... good thing I can have both of those IF I try hard enough!
I can't wait to go back in February, and I will not be stupid enough to forget my camera at home!! I will take mine and I will document the entire journey!!! It will be epic!!
Leaving was tough, it always is, but this time was so much more difficult. I always thought the goodbyes would get easier as I got used to the situation... but just the opposite is true. Poor Jordan, thought if he fed me liquor it would make me cry less, and in reality I bawled, and sobbed, and told him I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. I tried to keep it together as long as possible, but after Andrea called saying that there was a blizzard and she couldn’t make it to the airport I lost it.
All in all, I managed to say good bye to Jordan twice, crying both times… and make it home alive. Thankfully my cousin landed around the same time as me, and offered to drive me to her dad’s for the night and then home this morning!
Jordan called when he got home, and again I cried. Damnit I remember when I didn’t cry, when it took a person’s death or something major to make me cry… now I am a giant cry baby. Seriously though, it’s tough… especially after being together for an extended period of time, only to be apart again…
Sunday, December 13, 2009
so the stress got to me... makes me human right??
Stress can bring out the best as well as the worst in a person, trust me, I know. This past week has been one from hell, and I still have four more days to go. I have realized that my moods surely affect those around me, or those I talk to. And I don't mean for that, it just happens. I have been very stressed out, and quite bitchy, without meaning for it to happen.
Exam mode took over and ruined me. Good news, now that my exams are closer, I am not as stressed, and I am trying to think positive... strange hey?! I have four exams this week. Monday is French at 9am. Tuesday is Spanish at 9 am. Wednesday is Astrology at 7 pm. and Thursday is Sociology at 2 pm.
So even when I walked into the library today I was a bit frazzled... not as bad as I was yesterday or even when I woke up this morning... and now I feel a lot calmer and ready to try and kick some ass on my tests.
I am extremely grateful for those who have had to put up with my moodswings and stressed-self during exams. I have been distant so thankfully there are only a select few who have had to deal with the wrath of Adrianne... put still it hasn't been pleasant for them, so again I apologize from the bottom of my heart and thank you again for not kicking me to the curb... cause I am sure if I could have... I would have kicked myself.
THEN I fly to Vancouver to be with the love of my life! We get to spend five nights together, which will be the longest duration since we've been a couple!!! SO very exciting! I also get to meet his sister and quite possibly his grandparents! While in Vancouver I am also getting my hair cut by one of my old roommates from the Tuscany house, Savannah!!!! That is very exciting, I haven't seen her since she moved to Vancouver like nearly three years ago!!!
After studying a full day of French, I can say that I am confident in translating verbs in the present tense, passe compose, passe recent, imparfait, impertif, plus que parfait and future proche. I have come to the realization I am not going to do stellar this semester, but that just makes me want to try harder for next semester, all semester long, not just the final month!
Next semester I have a full schedule with Spanish 102, English 220, Higher Arithmatic - Math 260, The Profession of Teaching 250, and Intro to Education Psychology 200.
I'm cutting this short, because I need to get myself home, have a hot bath, wash my hair, and SLEEP. I have to get ready for my test.
Tomorrow's plans - Test 9-12. Study Spanish 1-4. Study Sociology 5-9.
Tuesday - Spanish test 9-12. Supervision 12-12:45. Reading 12:45-1:15. Study Sociology 2-4. Study Astro 5-9.
Wednesday - Study Sociology 10-12. Study Astro 1-5. Write Astro test 7pm. PACK FOR VANCOUVER!!!
Thursday - 10-12 study Sociology. 12-1245- Supervision. 12:45-1:15 reading with Harrison (last day :( ) Write Sociology test at 2. THEN LEAAAAAAAAVE FOR VANCOUVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exam mode took over and ruined me. Good news, now that my exams are closer, I am not as stressed, and I am trying to think positive... strange hey?! I have four exams this week. Monday is French at 9am. Tuesday is Spanish at 9 am. Wednesday is Astrology at 7 pm. and Thursday is Sociology at 2 pm.
So even when I walked into the library today I was a bit frazzled... not as bad as I was yesterday or even when I woke up this morning... and now I feel a lot calmer and ready to try and kick some ass on my tests.
I am extremely grateful for those who have had to put up with my moodswings and stressed-self during exams. I have been distant so thankfully there are only a select few who have had to deal with the wrath of Adrianne... put still it hasn't been pleasant for them, so again I apologize from the bottom of my heart and thank you again for not kicking me to the curb... cause I am sure if I could have... I would have kicked myself.
THEN I fly to Vancouver to be with the love of my life! We get to spend five nights together, which will be the longest duration since we've been a couple!!! SO very exciting! I also get to meet his sister and quite possibly his grandparents! While in Vancouver I am also getting my hair cut by one of my old roommates from the Tuscany house, Savannah!!!! That is very exciting, I haven't seen her since she moved to Vancouver like nearly three years ago!!!
After studying a full day of French, I can say that I am confident in translating verbs in the present tense, passe compose, passe recent, imparfait, impertif, plus que parfait and future proche. I have come to the realization I am not going to do stellar this semester, but that just makes me want to try harder for next semester, all semester long, not just the final month!
Next semester I have a full schedule with Spanish 102, English 220, Higher Arithmatic - Math 260, The Profession of Teaching 250, and Intro to Education Psychology 200.
I'm cutting this short, because I need to get myself home, have a hot bath, wash my hair, and SLEEP. I have to get ready for my test.
Tomorrow's plans - Test 9-12. Study Spanish 1-4. Study Sociology 5-9.
Tuesday - Spanish test 9-12. Supervision 12-12:45. Reading 12:45-1:15. Study Sociology 2-4. Study Astro 5-9.
Wednesday - Study Sociology 10-12. Study Astro 1-5. Write Astro test 7pm. PACK FOR VANCOUVER!!!
Thursday - 10-12 study Sociology. 12-1245- Supervision. 12:45-1:15 reading with Harrison (last day :( ) Write Sociology test at 2. THEN LEAAAAAAAAVE FOR VANCOUVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
braceface and oompalooma...
So I thought I was a nerd, and have had countless people tell me that I am a nerd, but man-oh-man the two girls sitting across from me in the library are beyond my level of nerdiness. They take nerd-dome to a whole new level I never knew existed.
The one on my left looks like a version of Ugly Betty – frizzy frizzy brown hair, glasses too big for her face (that coincidentally match her hair), braces and acne from hell. The other one also has glasses too big for her face, and just resonates NERD.
The one just changed her facebook status to ... is getting an oompa loompa (she doesn’t know she kind of resembles one).
They’re having a comment war on facebook... how cute... they’re sitting next to each other... GROSS. AND now they’re competing to find the cutest winter joke... they laughed so hard at the one about kicking a snowman in his snowballs... oooh CUTE... oooh and to top it off they're on facebook chat with eachother... and braceface rolls over to oompaloompa's computer to watch her read the messages... ooooh junior high all over again!!!!
I am in a decent mood, not sure where this random outburst came from, most likely because I realized, I am nowhere near as nerdy as I once though, my grades from half of my classes will prove that...
Ok... back to my annotated bibliography now...
The one on my left looks like a version of Ugly Betty – frizzy frizzy brown hair, glasses too big for her face (that coincidentally match her hair), braces and acne from hell. The other one also has glasses too big for her face, and just resonates NERD.
The one just changed her facebook status to ... is getting an oompa loompa (she doesn’t know she kind of resembles one).
They’re having a comment war on facebook... how cute... they’re sitting next to each other... GROSS. AND now they’re competing to find the cutest winter joke... they laughed so hard at the one about kicking a snowman in his snowballs... oooh CUTE... oooh and to top it off they're on facebook chat with eachother... and braceface rolls over to oompaloompa's computer to watch her read the messages... ooooh junior high all over again!!!!
I am in a decent mood, not sure where this random outburst came from, most likely because I realized, I am nowhere near as nerdy as I once though, my grades from half of my classes will prove that...
Ok... back to my annotated bibliography now...
Monday, November 30, 2009
it's not in my head
I have Fibromyalgia, I was diagnosed two weeks before my 20th birthday. I have been on an assortment of drugs, but have decided to go it without drugs. It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t sleep well because of it… but I don’t want to be dependent on drugs.
I’ve tried to explain to the important people in my life what fibromyalgia is, but I fail. So instead I am copying it from a site I used to be a member of www.fibrohugs.org
__________________________________________________________________________________
Fibromyalgia pain isn't all in patients' heads, new brain study finds. Click here
Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) is often called the "invisible disease," because outwardly, we may look perfectly healthy. Inside though, we may have intense pain throughout our bodies, we may be constantly fatigued and weak, we may be dizzy, confused, lacking sleep, suffering digestive disorders, and generally living a poor quality of life. There is no known cure for Fibromyalgia, but there are ways to treat the symptoms, to improve that quality of life.
FMS is a type of neurotransmitter disorder, in which the pain-signals that our brains receive are intensified, and our muscles do not get the healing nutrients they need. The current diagnosis is usually made by a Rheumatologist who will find 11, or more, "Tender Points" on your body.
This site is enormous when it comes to the accumulation of information and knowledge, but is small and cozy when it comes to the personal contact with new friends that suffer the same effects of Fibromyalgia, like you. Come here for gentle hugs, tough love, self-help information, and lifelong friendships. Relax and enjoy.
If you have a loved one that suffers like we do and you can not understand how they feel, please read "A Letter To Normal's". http://www.fibrohugs.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=10573&Itemid=239
Your loved one is fighting a ferocious inner battle so please give them the support they need, for support and love are a medicine that will never be conjured up in a lab.
________________________________________________________________________________
The letter pertains to someone who has more flare-ups and worse pain than I do, but it is the closest thing I have come across to helping people understand.
It is true that I have always doubted the doctors, that my friends is denial. I know I have fibromyalgia, I just don’t want to admit it. I knew it after the doctors (yes I have had four different doctors come to the same diagnoses) each having done the ‘tender point’ pressure test, and having me wince in pain, flinch or say yes that hurts to at minimum 16 of the 18… I realized it wasn’t a crock of shit.
I can trace it as far back as junior high when I had super bad knee pain… a lot of the other pain was around, but I ignored it, and thought it was growing pains.
After more recently looking at the list of 63 common symptoms, and having checked off many of them myself, I was reminded that the doctors aren’t quacks, and I need to accept the fact that I do indeed have FMS.
My biggest issues are the headaches, constant pain and fatigue. It’s not that I don’t sleep, I do at minimum six to ten hours a night. But I rarely reach stage 4 restorative sleep.
I hope this helps you understand that I am not tired because I am pulling all nighters, or making my pain up. I try to keep it on the down-low because I don’t want extra attention, I just want those close to me to understand that there are reasons for the way I feel. I can handle a lot of pain, and always have been, so for me to say I hurt, it means that I really effing hurt.
I’ve tried to explain to the important people in my life what fibromyalgia is, but I fail. So instead I am copying it from a site I used to be a member of www.fibrohugs.org
__________________________________________________________________________________
Fibromyalgia pain isn't all in patients' heads, new brain study finds. Click here
Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) is often called the "invisible disease," because outwardly, we may look perfectly healthy. Inside though, we may have intense pain throughout our bodies, we may be constantly fatigued and weak, we may be dizzy, confused, lacking sleep, suffering digestive disorders, and generally living a poor quality of life. There is no known cure for Fibromyalgia, but there are ways to treat the symptoms, to improve that quality of life.
FMS is a type of neurotransmitter disorder, in which the pain-signals that our brains receive are intensified, and our muscles do not get the healing nutrients they need. The current diagnosis is usually made by a Rheumatologist who will find 11, or more, "Tender Points" on your body.
This site is enormous when it comes to the accumulation of information and knowledge, but is small and cozy when it comes to the personal contact with new friends that suffer the same effects of Fibromyalgia, like you. Come here for gentle hugs, tough love, self-help information, and lifelong friendships. Relax and enjoy.
If you have a loved one that suffers like we do and you can not understand how they feel, please read "A Letter To Normal's". http://www.fibrohugs.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=10573&Itemid=239
Your loved one is fighting a ferocious inner battle so please give them the support they need, for support and love are a medicine that will never be conjured up in a lab.
________________________________________________________________________________
The letter pertains to someone who has more flare-ups and worse pain than I do, but it is the closest thing I have come across to helping people understand.
It is true that I have always doubted the doctors, that my friends is denial. I know I have fibromyalgia, I just don’t want to admit it. I knew it after the doctors (yes I have had four different doctors come to the same diagnoses) each having done the ‘tender point’ pressure test, and having me wince in pain, flinch or say yes that hurts to at minimum 16 of the 18… I realized it wasn’t a crock of shit.
I can trace it as far back as junior high when I had super bad knee pain… a lot of the other pain was around, but I ignored it, and thought it was growing pains.
After more recently looking at the list of 63 common symptoms, and having checked off many of them myself, I was reminded that the doctors aren’t quacks, and I need to accept the fact that I do indeed have FMS.
My biggest issues are the headaches, constant pain and fatigue. It’s not that I don’t sleep, I do at minimum six to ten hours a night. But I rarely reach stage 4 restorative sleep.
I hope this helps you understand that I am not tired because I am pulling all nighters, or making my pain up. I try to keep it on the down-low because I don’t want extra attention, I just want those close to me to understand that there are reasons for the way I feel. I can handle a lot of pain, and always have been, so for me to say I hurt, it means that I really effing hurt.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
a look back...
I just spent the past two hours reading over my old blogs, mainly from second year at SAIT and up to 2007ish. I forgot a lot of stuff that had happened, some of the shit I had to deal with and some of the friendships I have lost since then.
It was nice to read over it, but now I wish I could go back in time and hang on to a couple of those friendships, just so I could have those people in my life now. I know things happen for a reason, but I still miss those certain few, or wish we were still tight.
I also realized that my style of writing changes, and it's kind of interesting. I came across some blogs that impressed me, because I didn't think I could write like that and it made me miss writing... I will make a note to try to do it a little more often.
It also made me realize I am the same now, as I was then. I'd stop blogging when things were going on or I was having a tough time with things, and then when it had all passed I'd return, blog about it and all would be fine.
I'm going through one of those times right now, and I know there's a select few of you who read this on a regular basis and you've been asking for more, I just don't have much to give right now. What I do have to give I don't want to because I don't want to whine or sound all depressed. I just want it all to work itself out and go back to normal.
I know it will all work out, if that's how it's meant to be, but sometimes I just get impatient and stressed. I have taken measures to make sure that in the future it doesn't happen again.
That's all for now, I will try to come up with something to write in the near future...
It was nice to read over it, but now I wish I could go back in time and hang on to a couple of those friendships, just so I could have those people in my life now. I know things happen for a reason, but I still miss those certain few, or wish we were still tight.
I also realized that my style of writing changes, and it's kind of interesting. I came across some blogs that impressed me, because I didn't think I could write like that and it made me miss writing... I will make a note to try to do it a little more often.
It also made me realize I am the same now, as I was then. I'd stop blogging when things were going on or I was having a tough time with things, and then when it had all passed I'd return, blog about it and all would be fine.
I'm going through one of those times right now, and I know there's a select few of you who read this on a regular basis and you've been asking for more, I just don't have much to give right now. What I do have to give I don't want to because I don't want to whine or sound all depressed. I just want it all to work itself out and go back to normal.
I know it will all work out, if that's how it's meant to be, but sometimes I just get impatient and stressed. I have taken measures to make sure that in the future it doesn't happen again.
That's all for now, I will try to come up with something to write in the near future...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
belief
I am putting off my essay yet again, well kind of, I am working on it... but I had an urge to blog instead! I have had an emotional weekend, but it has been an amazing, inspiring and a bit of a relief. I was not in a good mood and had had a stressful week when I arrived home.
That was dashed when I met up with two old friends whom I haven't had a chance to spend much time with lately. I had an amazing time out chatting, visiting, catching up and gossiping. It felt nice to be able to go out with friends and just have fun.
Saturday I spent the afternoon with my cousin and we had a great time. It was nice to catch up with her and talk about life, the past and what we hope for the future. It is always refreshing to hang out with her. We went window shopping and found some really cool stuff with thought provoking sayings on them. One that stuck with me was 'Faith makes things possible... not easy.' I liked it then, but I guess it didn't hit me or make as much sense to me at the time.
I had promised mom that I would go to church with her this morning, so we went. I am not a fan of the new minister, she's just not as cool as Dave was and is too preachy and borderline super weird. But it was coffee time after church when I was visiting with some of the ladies and they told me I just had to have faith in myself and everything will fall into place. I had a good chat with Pam about it after and she only echoed what the others had said. They both told me that they have faith that things would work out, but I guess somewhere along the way I had lost faith in myself. I had stopped believing and had become to doubt myself. If you don't have faith in yourself or believe in yourself how can you expect to be successful or acheive what you are working towards?
So church today was a needed awakening for me, I needed it, I needed to be reminded that things are on track for me, things are going well and to have faith in myself and keep on going.
We are all dealt with a hand, and how we play that hand is up to us, some of us have better luck while others have to work harder to make things work out. Nothing is easy, but you can't give up or give in, which is sometimes very tempting and easy to do.
I guess I forget that I have people rooting me on, or people that believe in me and lose hope. How can I, of all people lose hope, stop believing and stop dreaming.... I have those freaken words permantly tattooed on my body.
Everything happens for a reason... I am a firm believer in that, sometimes finding that hidden reason takes years, sometimes we never find the reason, but chances are we have become stronger person and have learned more about ourselves, the person we are or the world around us.
Pam reassured me that I have found what is right for me, and that she is proud of me for taking a chance and going back to school. She is like a second mom to be and has always been an important person in my life, so to hear that from her was important, and came at a great time.
That was dashed when I met up with two old friends whom I haven't had a chance to spend much time with lately. I had an amazing time out chatting, visiting, catching up and gossiping. It felt nice to be able to go out with friends and just have fun.
Saturday I spent the afternoon with my cousin and we had a great time. It was nice to catch up with her and talk about life, the past and what we hope for the future. It is always refreshing to hang out with her. We went window shopping and found some really cool stuff with thought provoking sayings on them. One that stuck with me was 'Faith makes things possible... not easy.' I liked it then, but I guess it didn't hit me or make as much sense to me at the time.
I had promised mom that I would go to church with her this morning, so we went. I am not a fan of the new minister, she's just not as cool as Dave was and is too preachy and borderline super weird. But it was coffee time after church when I was visiting with some of the ladies and they told me I just had to have faith in myself and everything will fall into place. I had a good chat with Pam about it after and she only echoed what the others had said. They both told me that they have faith that things would work out, but I guess somewhere along the way I had lost faith in myself. I had stopped believing and had become to doubt myself. If you don't have faith in yourself or believe in yourself how can you expect to be successful or acheive what you are working towards?
So church today was a needed awakening for me, I needed it, I needed to be reminded that things are on track for me, things are going well and to have faith in myself and keep on going.
We are all dealt with a hand, and how we play that hand is up to us, some of us have better luck while others have to work harder to make things work out. Nothing is easy, but you can't give up or give in, which is sometimes very tempting and easy to do.
I guess I forget that I have people rooting me on, or people that believe in me and lose hope. How can I, of all people lose hope, stop believing and stop dreaming.... I have those freaken words permantly tattooed on my body.
Everything happens for a reason... I am a firm believer in that, sometimes finding that hidden reason takes years, sometimes we never find the reason, but chances are we have become stronger person and have learned more about ourselves, the person we are or the world around us.
Pam reassured me that I have found what is right for me, and that she is proud of me for taking a chance and going back to school. She is like a second mom to be and has always been an important person in my life, so to hear that from her was important, and came at a great time.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
break time
I’m taking a hiatus, I am stepping back… some would say I am pulling away. Say what you want to say, believe what you want to believe, it doesn’t make a difference to me. I won’t be on facebook or blogging as much for the next while. I just don’t feel up to it. I am having issues and for some unknown reason facebook is making it worse - and for once, writing doesn’t help… so I say so long for now… who knows how long it will last. Maybe once I get some stuff figured out it will all fall back into place and things will be golden, but for now I am gonna chill. If you need to get a hold of me, chances are you have other methods of reaching me…
Monday, November 16, 2009
... notes schmotes...
So I started this one in English class in my English notebook, and finished later
Half of my English class is missing, there's supposed to be around 40 of us, and the class is pretty empty. I must admit that I would joined the pack, but I had to come back to the school to hand in a bursary application.
I wanted to stay home and sleep or work on one of my essays that are due soon, or study for my midterm this week or start reviewing for finals... anything but come to this class in the horrible mood I was in.
Somehow that horrible mood disappeared when I walked into class though, we're talking about grammar... so Laura probably thinks I am taking notes like the rest of the class, but I have this stuff down to an art. I have answered most questions until I realized I was becoming the annoying know-it-all so I canned it for a bit and let my nerdy classmates take over for a bit.
Andrea and I made supper together tonight... banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon! It was pretty tasty.
Now I am obviously working on my English essay... clearly can't you tell?! I am starting it as soon as I hit publish!!
Unfortunatley I don't always have grammar to cure my horrible moods... so I ask you to bear with me if I get that way in the near future, we're gearing up for my least favourite time of the year. I am trying to stay positive this year, and hope that that might make it easier to glide through.... Ihope it works, I really do. Either that or I hope I can keep myself busy enough that I won't even have time to think of the things that make Christmas suck....
Half of my English class is missing, there's supposed to be around 40 of us, and the class is pretty empty. I must admit that I would joined the pack, but I had to come back to the school to hand in a bursary application.
I wanted to stay home and sleep or work on one of my essays that are due soon, or study for my midterm this week or start reviewing for finals... anything but come to this class in the horrible mood I was in.
Somehow that horrible mood disappeared when I walked into class though, we're talking about grammar... so Laura probably thinks I am taking notes like the rest of the class, but I have this stuff down to an art. I have answered most questions until I realized I was becoming the annoying know-it-all so I canned it for a bit and let my nerdy classmates take over for a bit.
Andrea and I made supper together tonight... banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon! It was pretty tasty.
Now I am obviously working on my English essay... clearly can't you tell?! I am starting it as soon as I hit publish!!
Unfortunatley I don't always have grammar to cure my horrible moods... so I ask you to bear with me if I get that way in the near future, we're gearing up for my least favourite time of the year. I am trying to stay positive this year, and hope that that might make it easier to glide through.... Ihope it works, I really do. Either that or I hope I can keep myself busy enough that I won't even have time to think of the things that make Christmas suck....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
the good things...
Although I am super bummed that Jordan has now landed in Winnipeg again, I am super happy we had a good weekend together.
To top it off I found out that one of my friends from junior high and high school is moving back to Alberta with her family in tow! That means that I will have one more friend kind of closeby... I am sooo excited!! She's a pretty amazing woman, and has an extremely cute daughter!! I am looking forward to spending more time with her and Echo in the near future!
I am also enjoying spending time with the black furball that is currently snoring and curled up at the end of my bed. Although he can be a bit of a spaz sometimes, and reallllly stinks, he's handy to have around especially when you're not in a great mood.
I am looking forward to spending time with my family this week, I am going to my aunt's on Tuesday to babyst so I will get some time in there and then to mom's later in the week. Might surprise the nephews with a quick visit while I am home.
I certainly hope I have a job lined up for the very near future, because I certainly need the money!!
To top it off I found out that one of my friends from junior high and high school is moving back to Alberta with her family in tow! That means that I will have one more friend kind of closeby... I am sooo excited!! She's a pretty amazing woman, and has an extremely cute daughter!! I am looking forward to spending more time with her and Echo in the near future!
I am also enjoying spending time with the black furball that is currently snoring and curled up at the end of my bed. Although he can be a bit of a spaz sometimes, and reallllly stinks, he's handy to have around especially when you're not in a great mood.
I am looking forward to spending time with my family this week, I am going to my aunt's on Tuesday to babyst so I will get some time in there and then to mom's later in the week. Might surprise the nephews with a quick visit while I am home.
I certainly hope I have a job lined up for the very near future, because I certainly need the money!!
the equation of it all...
I am not one for numbers but considering there was a total of 2902km driven which took an approximate 25 hours in one weekend to spend 36 hours with someone, give up your cat, go see a movie, out for lunch, grocery shopping and help set up the Christmas tree... that spells out something special if I do say so myself....
Although I think he is crazy for doing it, I was very surprised (and shocked that Andrea and everyone else that was in the know were able to keep quiet!) and we had a pretty amazing time and I gained a four legged friend out of the deal... who scared the crap out of me when I found him in the dryer when I went to get my clean laundry... he was just having a cat nap... both Andrea and I thought we had lost Salem... couldn't find him anywhere!
And even though we only had 26 hours together, it was better than the alternative of 0 hours together!!
Like I said I am not one for numbers, I despise them with a firey passion... but this is one equation I am liking the outcome of...
Although I think he is crazy for doing it, I was very surprised (and shocked that Andrea and everyone else that was in the know were able to keep quiet!) and we had a pretty amazing time and I gained a four legged friend out of the deal... who scared the crap out of me when I found him in the dryer when I went to get my clean laundry... he was just having a cat nap... both Andrea and I thought we had lost Salem... couldn't find him anywhere!
And even though we only had 26 hours together, it was better than the alternative of 0 hours together!!
Like I said I am not one for numbers, I despise them with a firey passion... but this is one equation I am liking the outcome of...
sometimes...
I am torn I guess. I keep thinking. I guess sometimes an off switch on one’s brain would be a handy thing.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to actually become a teacher.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth finishing school, or if I should just go back to work.
Sometimes I wish I could just chill, and go with the flow. Now I sound like I am a hippie… I haven’t blogged in a while. I have had some issues, and didn’t feel like blogging if I was going to end up whining or complaining the whole time. No one likes to read that.
Sometimes I wish my dad was here, just to talk to or get some handy input. Yeah, now you’re like well… you’ve got an older brother… who’s basically useless to me when it comes to things like that… he’s good when I want to be yelled at or anything along those lines.
Sometimes I wish I were still at home with my mom, yes I miss my mom.She’s one of my best friends and I hate being away from her.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends (or any friends) in Red Deer, it gets lonely.
Sometimes I wish Saskatchewan didn’t exist so that Manitoba would be closer.
Sometimes I wish certain people would go away…not die… just disappear from my life.
Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because of certain stress factors.
Sometimes I wish four years weren’t so freaken long…
But then….
I realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and just talking to him can calm me.
I realize that I want to be a teacher, and have since I was a child and that I will make one helluva good teacher.
I realize that staying in school is cool and that teaching is a better career than the alternatives.
I realize that my friends are amazing individuals who go far beyond expectations.
I realize that four-legged friends are as good as humans… and less opinionated.
I realize that it will all be worth it in the end.
I realize that everything happens for a reason.
I realize that everything could be a lot worse.
I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and count my blessings.
I realize that, although my dad is not alive, he will always be with me…
I realize that distance doesn’t hinder a relationship but indeed makes it stronger.
I realize that those certain people add a bit of flavour and flare to life.
So the solution to the equation is to take a deep breath, count to ten, be thankful for what you have and take a step forward into the unknown. If it is meant to be, it will be. Everything will work out in the end if that is the way it is destined.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to actually become a teacher.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth finishing school, or if I should just go back to work.
Sometimes I wish I could just chill, and go with the flow. Now I sound like I am a hippie… I haven’t blogged in a while. I have had some issues, and didn’t feel like blogging if I was going to end up whining or complaining the whole time. No one likes to read that.
Sometimes I wish my dad was here, just to talk to or get some handy input. Yeah, now you’re like well… you’ve got an older brother… who’s basically useless to me when it comes to things like that… he’s good when I want to be yelled at or anything along those lines.
Sometimes I wish I were still at home with my mom, yes I miss my mom.She’s one of my best friends and I hate being away from her.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends (or any friends) in Red Deer, it gets lonely.
Sometimes I wish Saskatchewan didn’t exist so that Manitoba would be closer.
Sometimes I wish certain people would go away…not die… just disappear from my life.
Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because of certain stress factors.
Sometimes I wish four years weren’t so freaken long…
But then….
I realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and just talking to him can calm me.
I realize that I want to be a teacher, and have since I was a child and that I will make one helluva good teacher.
I realize that staying in school is cool and that teaching is a better career than the alternatives.
I realize that my friends are amazing individuals who go far beyond expectations.
I realize that four-legged friends are as good as humans… and less opinionated.
I realize that it will all be worth it in the end.
I realize that everything happens for a reason.
I realize that everything could be a lot worse.
I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and count my blessings.
I realize that, although my dad is not alive, he will always be with me…
I realize that distance doesn’t hinder a relationship but indeed makes it stronger.
I realize that those certain people add a bit of flavour and flare to life.
So the solution to the equation is to take a deep breath, count to ten, be thankful for what you have and take a step forward into the unknown. If it is meant to be, it will be. Everything will work out in the end if that is the way it is destined.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
my randomness grows with bordeom
The title states it all... the more bored I am the more random I become!!! It makes the day more interesting though... Random thoughts from throughout the day... want me to elaborate - comment with questions or concerns!!
* I wish I had a dog so I had someone to talk to when I am driving...
* I think Ellen is amazing, and wish I could dance like the big black girl...
* Jon and Kate should disappear... soonish
* Maybe snowmobiling from Winnipeg to Stettler could be a fun adventure...
* Christmas is coming and I kind of want to go skating
* My room is a disastor, but nothing like on ANTM... but close...
* how many times can you use a teabag before it doesn't work???
* how much tea is too much tea?
* what do you do when there is a moose standing on the road and won't move??
* KIJIJI is an amazing thing, thank God I am broke or I might join Andrea in her new addiction.
* I need to become more creative... then my Christmas presents will save me money this year... orrr I could pay someone to do it for me... but then there's no saving of money... ooooh boy...
* if I had a penny for every text or blackberry message sent, I would be insanely rich... especially if I were paid by the word.
* I ran out of apple juice, orange juice and peppermint tea all in one day and refused to leave the house to get more because I didn't want to get out of my pyjamas, but didn't hesitate to change and go buy a Christmas tree...
* I need to downsize and get rid of a lot of my clothes...
* what do people think when they dance and sing as they're walking down the street.... seriously we're all making fun of you and your air guitar.
* Although I love Snow White, why would you eat an apple from a witch?! DUH!
* Also on the Snow White topic... why would you cook and clean for seven tiny men... FREE of charge?!
* I wish I had a dog so I had someone to talk to when I am driving...
* I think Ellen is amazing, and wish I could dance like the big black girl...
* Jon and Kate should disappear... soonish
* Maybe snowmobiling from Winnipeg to Stettler could be a fun adventure...
* Christmas is coming and I kind of want to go skating
* My room is a disastor, but nothing like on ANTM... but close...
* how many times can you use a teabag before it doesn't work???
* how much tea is too much tea?
* what do you do when there is a moose standing on the road and won't move??
* KIJIJI is an amazing thing, thank God I am broke or I might join Andrea in her new addiction.
* I need to become more creative... then my Christmas presents will save me money this year... orrr I could pay someone to do it for me... but then there's no saving of money... ooooh boy...
* if I had a penny for every text or blackberry message sent, I would be insanely rich... especially if I were paid by the word.
* I ran out of apple juice, orange juice and peppermint tea all in one day and refused to leave the house to get more because I didn't want to get out of my pyjamas, but didn't hesitate to change and go buy a Christmas tree...
* I need to downsize and get rid of a lot of my clothes...
* what do people think when they dance and sing as they're walking down the street.... seriously we're all making fun of you and your air guitar.
* Although I love Snow White, why would you eat an apple from a witch?! DUH!
* Also on the Snow White topic... why would you cook and clean for seven tiny men... FREE of charge?!
sometimes we all fall down...
Sometimes we all have moments where we feel like we're admitting defeat, when giving up or giving in would seem easier than forging ahead and overcoming all that stands in our way.
It's during these times when we often turn to someone be it family, friends or a loved one for help, advice or just support. It's not always easy to ask for help, especially for those who are independent and want to do things on their own.
Admittedly I have found myself in this position a time or two since deciding to go back to school.. and I am praying that it will fix its self... or I will seriously consider taking a semester or year off to save up or rethink the whole thing.
Swallowing my pride is not an easy feat for me, I have been on my own for a long time, I should know how to do it by now. I hope once my finances fall into place and I have my inheritance that everything will start to fall into place.
When that happens then I can breath easy and not feel so restricted, trapped or confined.
I know it's normal, we all have our moments, and lately it seems to be the going thing. After falling down, I feel weak or guilty, neither of which I do well.
I am eternally grateful for those who have been there with advice, support and help - you're the best. I always do my best to return the favour or repay the debts as soon as I can in the best way possible.
I am still sick, and have finally taken time off of school... I spent most of yesterday and all of today home... and hope I am on the up and up shortly or I might go insane! I had a great evening with my roommate! We went and bought a Christmas Tree (Jordan, you can shush on the whole grossness of fake trees... we will get you a real one when you're out!). Yes we bought a tree, with Curtis' money (he doesn't know that yet... that's what you get for leaving money in your laundry Curtis!!!). Now we have time to search out the best Christmas ornaments!! And we have to buy stockings to put on our fire place for Andrea, Curtis, Jordan and me!! And then I can start buying stocking stuffers!!
Although I hate Christmas, I absolutely love love looooove stockings!!! And this year I get to do the whole family!! Speaking of which... I need to get Austin, Slade and Dana stockings this year and get their names embroidered on them!!
OK, sleep time, I have to get up early-ish to run to the school to get a movie to prepare for a French test!!
I will post a random post about my sickday... hehehe you should all get a chuckle out of it!
It's during these times when we often turn to someone be it family, friends or a loved one for help, advice or just support. It's not always easy to ask for help, especially for those who are independent and want to do things on their own.
Admittedly I have found myself in this position a time or two since deciding to go back to school.. and I am praying that it will fix its self... or I will seriously consider taking a semester or year off to save up or rethink the whole thing.
Swallowing my pride is not an easy feat for me, I have been on my own for a long time, I should know how to do it by now. I hope once my finances fall into place and I have my inheritance that everything will start to fall into place.
When that happens then I can breath easy and not feel so restricted, trapped or confined.
I know it's normal, we all have our moments, and lately it seems to be the going thing. After falling down, I feel weak or guilty, neither of which I do well.
I am eternally grateful for those who have been there with advice, support and help - you're the best. I always do my best to return the favour or repay the debts as soon as I can in the best way possible.
I am still sick, and have finally taken time off of school... I spent most of yesterday and all of today home... and hope I am on the up and up shortly or I might go insane! I had a great evening with my roommate! We went and bought a Christmas Tree (Jordan, you can shush on the whole grossness of fake trees... we will get you a real one when you're out!). Yes we bought a tree, with Curtis' money (he doesn't know that yet... that's what you get for leaving money in your laundry Curtis!!!). Now we have time to search out the best Christmas ornaments!! And we have to buy stockings to put on our fire place for Andrea, Curtis, Jordan and me!! And then I can start buying stocking stuffers!!
Although I hate Christmas, I absolutely love love looooove stockings!!! And this year I get to do the whole family!! Speaking of which... I need to get Austin, Slade and Dana stockings this year and get their names embroidered on them!!
OK, sleep time, I have to get up early-ish to run to the school to get a movie to prepare for a French test!!
I will post a random post about my sickday... hehehe you should all get a chuckle out of it!
... part two ...
I have always beleived to some extent, but had lost hope that true love was in the books for me. I had never told anyone that I love them, except for family and close friends. I had been told that someone loved me - never was it heartfelt, it was always said with alterior motives or following a night of drinking.
I had witnessed friend after friend and even my older brother fall in love, and wondered what I was doing wrong. Only to have each and everyone of them tell me that it would happen when I least expect it and that I would know as soon as I met the right person. And those replies began to drive me insane, and make me lose even more hope that it existed.
But now, I am a real believer... it happened when I least expected it and it has left me in awe... and now I am one of those people who reassures people that it will happen when they least expect it and that they will know that the person is the one.
I have grown apart from the two I was with when the initial conversation took place... but I wish I could tell them that I am a full believer - true love does exist and I have found it.
I was a pusher, I used to push people away, but maybe that was because subconsciously I knew it was because they weren't right for me... because when I found my love I have never once pushe him away. He broke down the wall I had created and waltzed right in, to stay... and to become the first male figure in my life that is here to stay.
So now that I am one of the ones who have found mytrue love, I won't stop fighting for that person - instead, I will keep it up.
I had witnessed friend after friend and even my older brother fall in love, and wondered what I was doing wrong. Only to have each and everyone of them tell me that it would happen when I least expect it and that I would know as soon as I met the right person. And those replies began to drive me insane, and make me lose even more hope that it existed.
But now, I am a real believer... it happened when I least expected it and it has left me in awe... and now I am one of those people who reassures people that it will happen when they least expect it and that they will know that the person is the one.
I have grown apart from the two I was with when the initial conversation took place... but I wish I could tell them that I am a full believer - true love does exist and I have found it.
I was a pusher, I used to push people away, but maybe that was because subconsciously I knew it was because they weren't right for me... because when I found my love I have never once pushe him away. He broke down the wall I had created and waltzed right in, to stay... and to become the first male figure in my life that is here to stay.
So now that I am one of the ones who have found mytrue love, I won't stop fighting for that person - instead, I will keep it up.
Monday, October 19, 2009
... part one ....
Some of you might have already read this one, I wrote it almost three years ago after going out for dinner with two of my closest friends at the time. Background on the story - the cook at the restaurant, was like 18 and heartbroken because she was just dumped and thought he was the one... our server (the cook's cousin) thought she would ask us for help making the cook realize that love doesn't exist... and that spurred quite the debate not only at our table but amongst the staff (we were the only table in the restaurant at the time)...
Why am I posting this!? I am sooooo glad you asked!! I am posting this here NOW, because in the next couple of days I will post the second part to it, which no one has read.... probably because I JUST wrote it.... or am in the process of writing it!!
Anyway, here it is... enjoy!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Does true love exist, or is it simply a figment of our imaginations?
Over dinner the other evening three believers began to debate the extent of true love. We all believed, but we all believe different things. How does one find true love, or does true love find you? Will it one day just fall in your lap, or must you seek to find this thing we call true love? How hard is it neccessary to fight in order to maintain this love? More importantly - how do you know that you are in true love, and the the person you are in love with is the one - your true love? Do we only get one true love, or are there more chances out there incase we don't realize the first one was meant to be? How does one convince themselves to break down the barriers they have errected to prevent being hurt - yet again to hopefully experience true love?
So many questions revolving around one simple thing. This debate we started soon managed to engulph all employees at the small resteraunt the trio of us frequent often. I think we managed to recusitate some glimmer of hope in the 18 year old cook, that maybe true love exists, and we just have to be more patient and careful with who we chose.
I guess I am just going on a rant because a lot of people close to me, or old friends who were once close have manged to find that someone. How do you know that the someone you found is the right someone? How do I know that I haven't overlooked my someone, or pushed him aside? I am a pusher, I freak out and push people away - but now I realize it was because I am scared of losing them all while forcing myself to lose them before I can get attached.
I am used to the male figures in my life leaving - be it by death, bordom, or unexplainable reasons; I have to get over that and try to change. Easier said than done, but for the chance of finding the true love everyone is talking about it would be worth it.
If you are one of the ones who have found your true love, don't stop fighting for that person - keep it up.
Why am I posting this!? I am sooooo glad you asked!! I am posting this here NOW, because in the next couple of days I will post the second part to it, which no one has read.... probably because I JUST wrote it.... or am in the process of writing it!!
Anyway, here it is... enjoy!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Does true love exist, or is it simply a figment of our imaginations?
Over dinner the other evening three believers began to debate the extent of true love. We all believed, but we all believe different things. How does one find true love, or does true love find you? Will it one day just fall in your lap, or must you seek to find this thing we call true love? How hard is it neccessary to fight in order to maintain this love? More importantly - how do you know that you are in true love, and the the person you are in love with is the one - your true love? Do we only get one true love, or are there more chances out there incase we don't realize the first one was meant to be? How does one convince themselves to break down the barriers they have errected to prevent being hurt - yet again to hopefully experience true love?
So many questions revolving around one simple thing. This debate we started soon managed to engulph all employees at the small resteraunt the trio of us frequent often. I think we managed to recusitate some glimmer of hope in the 18 year old cook, that maybe true love exists, and we just have to be more patient and careful with who we chose.
I guess I am just going on a rant because a lot of people close to me, or old friends who were once close have manged to find that someone. How do you know that the someone you found is the right someone? How do I know that I haven't overlooked my someone, or pushed him aside? I am a pusher, I freak out and push people away - but now I realize it was because I am scared of losing them all while forcing myself to lose them before I can get attached.
I am used to the male figures in my life leaving - be it by death, bordom, or unexplainable reasons; I have to get over that and try to change. Easier said than done, but for the chance of finding the true love everyone is talking about it would be worth it.
If you are one of the ones who have found your true love, don't stop fighting for that person - keep it up.
... what changed?
... what did you used to do before this Adrianne? ... why did you switch career paths?
A coworker and I got talking about my reporting and writing and why I left. She said when I talked about reportering, interviewing and writing that my eyes lit up. She said she hadn't seen me that way for a while.
It's true, I love writing more than I love working where I am now. I miss writing (thus the four blogs in one day....) and I would kill to get back into it... BUT I love children, and I have a passion to teach and to try to play a significant role in children's lives... So for now my writing has taken to the back burner. I have been told by a couple of people that it's a mistake for me to leave my writing, that I am abandoning my calling.
I am 24, how the heck am I supposed to know what my 'calling' is?
I have had two dreams since I was a child...
1) to become a teacher
2) to write a book
I have written a book... I think a total of eight people have a copy of it. It was good at the time, but I am sure if I were to re-read it I would laugh... but one day I want to get a book published! Heck I would kill to have a best seller RIGHT now... then I could just forget about school... and the teaching dream can be retired and I will teach a dog a trick or somehting...
Anyways lately I have been thinking about seriously considering writing a book... but the toughest steps are 1) figuring out what the heck to write about and 2) starting the research and the writing...
Once I get started... I think it will be a-ok... I just need to figure out a way to get the creative juices flowing and come up with a killer idea.... one day it will come to me... hopefully sooner rather than later and I can be a riiiiiiiiich published author, and see my name in print again!!!
A coworker and I got talking about my reporting and writing and why I left. She said when I talked about reportering, interviewing and writing that my eyes lit up. She said she hadn't seen me that way for a while.
It's true, I love writing more than I love working where I am now. I miss writing (thus the four blogs in one day....) and I would kill to get back into it... BUT I love children, and I have a passion to teach and to try to play a significant role in children's lives... So for now my writing has taken to the back burner. I have been told by a couple of people that it's a mistake for me to leave my writing, that I am abandoning my calling.
I am 24, how the heck am I supposed to know what my 'calling' is?
I have had two dreams since I was a child...
1) to become a teacher
2) to write a book
I have written a book... I think a total of eight people have a copy of it. It was good at the time, but I am sure if I were to re-read it I would laugh... but one day I want to get a book published! Heck I would kill to have a best seller RIGHT now... then I could just forget about school... and the teaching dream can be retired and I will teach a dog a trick or somehting...
Anyways lately I have been thinking about seriously considering writing a book... but the toughest steps are 1) figuring out what the heck to write about and 2) starting the research and the writing...
Once I get started... I think it will be a-ok... I just need to figure out a way to get the creative juices flowing and come up with a killer idea.... one day it will come to me... hopefully sooner rather than later and I can be a riiiiiiiiich published author, and see my name in print again!!!
... one thing ...
If you could gurantee one thing to the ones you love what would it be??? If you could secure one thing in your life what would it be?? Would it be a material possesion, money, love or something completely random?
We got on a similar topic of coverstaion tonight at work and it made me think... which of course leads to Adrianne over-thinking, panicking, and worrying.
If I could promise one thing to the ones I love and prevent one thing from happening to them and myself... it would be that they will never be alone. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless because there is only so much I can do as one person. But I wish there were more I could do. I wish I could be there for my mom when she needs someone, but I have come to the realization that there's only so much I can do, and that I have done far more than the majority of people my age. I wish I could be there for my friends when things aren't going right, but often times I can't physcially be there because of the distance, money issues and other committments. I wish I could be there for my friends when they're having a bad day.
I know I have an amazing set of friends, but they're so spread out that sometimes it feels like I am alone... don't freak out people I know I am not. I give more than I should and don't take as much as I should... and sometimes worry that it will wind me up alone. I know - not likely but crazier shit has happened.
Most of all, I am worried about those I love, I don't want my mom to feel like she is alone... I want to be there for her... but I wish some others would step up and take responsibility and worry, or help or show they care.
I don't want my friends to feel like their alone, but there's only so much I can do from where I am at.
I worry too much, I really do. But I only want things to go right.
If I could do one thing, I would do my damnedest to ensure that noone ever felt alone... I really would.
We got on a similar topic of coverstaion tonight at work and it made me think... which of course leads to Adrianne over-thinking, panicking, and worrying.
If I could promise one thing to the ones I love and prevent one thing from happening to them and myself... it would be that they will never be alone. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless because there is only so much I can do as one person. But I wish there were more I could do. I wish I could be there for my mom when she needs someone, but I have come to the realization that there's only so much I can do, and that I have done far more than the majority of people my age. I wish I could be there for my friends when things aren't going right, but often times I can't physcially be there because of the distance, money issues and other committments. I wish I could be there for my friends when they're having a bad day.
I know I have an amazing set of friends, but they're so spread out that sometimes it feels like I am alone... don't freak out people I know I am not. I give more than I should and don't take as much as I should... and sometimes worry that it will wind me up alone. I know - not likely but crazier shit has happened.
Most of all, I am worried about those I love, I don't want my mom to feel like she is alone... I want to be there for her... but I wish some others would step up and take responsibility and worry, or help or show they care.
I don't want my friends to feel like their alone, but there's only so much I can do from where I am at.
I worry too much, I really do. But I only want things to go right.
If I could do one thing, I would do my damnedest to ensure that noone ever felt alone... I really would.
... sometimes we all need a reminder....
I spent a good portion of today questioning if I truly want to become a teacher. All my life I have wanted to become a teacher. We used to play school as kids, and would FIGHT to be the teacher.
I had a couple of teachers over the years that touched my life and influenced me a great deal, and I have always wanted to have that affect on youth.
But I often get sidetracked or lost and question myself... so when a facebook chat popped up at me tonight and it was one of the youth from one ofthe Boys and Girls Clubs I worked for we got into a chat about abusive relationships (she brought it up...) and I was brutally honest. I told her that I prayed she never found herself in that situation, but if she did she had to stand up for herself and walk away. When she said that she would promise me that, I had no doubts... I told her that I had always said the same thing, but I had wished I would have followed through when in such situation.
This was one of the girls I bonded most with, she was one of my favourites (we all had our favourites), and took the news of me leaving the club the hardest. We had pow wows (she is native), debates, discussions, heart to hearts and she is truly one of the greatest leaders, amazing big sister, dedicated and stubborn and reminded myself of me in sooo many ways.
After that conversation we got chatting about boys, and life and what's going on. Just being able to chat with her and realize that I have made an impact in her life made me realize that it is a true calling, and I miss it and she reminded me once again why I long to become a teacher.
If she only knew the impact she has had on me... I guess signs come from all directions and in many differen shapes...
I had a couple of teachers over the years that touched my life and influenced me a great deal, and I have always wanted to have that affect on youth.
But I often get sidetracked or lost and question myself... so when a facebook chat popped up at me tonight and it was one of the youth from one ofthe Boys and Girls Clubs I worked for we got into a chat about abusive relationships (she brought it up...) and I was brutally honest. I told her that I prayed she never found herself in that situation, but if she did she had to stand up for herself and walk away. When she said that she would promise me that, I had no doubts... I told her that I had always said the same thing, but I had wished I would have followed through when in such situation.
This was one of the girls I bonded most with, she was one of my favourites (we all had our favourites), and took the news of me leaving the club the hardest. We had pow wows (she is native), debates, discussions, heart to hearts and she is truly one of the greatest leaders, amazing big sister, dedicated and stubborn and reminded myself of me in sooo many ways.
After that conversation we got chatting about boys, and life and what's going on. Just being able to chat with her and realize that I have made an impact in her life made me realize that it is a true calling, and I miss it and she reminded me once again why I long to become a teacher.
If she only knew the impact she has had on me... I guess signs come from all directions and in many differen shapes...
it's all about me... and kicking the sickness...
An elastic band can only be stretched so far before it snaps, you can only pile so much on the camel’s back before his back breaks… so why are people expected to be any different?!
I know I am not a superhero and I am not a miracle worker but at the same time I know, just as well as the rest of the world that I will do anything for any of my friends or family… I will drop what’s at hand and help them. But there comes a time when I need to concentrate on myself, and put me first.
I know I have issues saying no, which leads to me taking on too much. I work too hard, I don’t take time for myself… relax is not a word that is very commonly used in my vocabulary.
When I utilize that two letter word that I hate so much people are shocked and often appalled. There is only so much I can do for everyone I do need to concentrate on myself and my troubles and my life (believe it or not, I have one).
I’ve been sick for the past week, I had a stressful week at school last week and a topsy turvy weekend and I am ready for a week of nothingness. Instead I am concentrating on me, I am planning on kicking this sickness’s ass, I need to get my energy back an start feeling better, I need to get caught up in my sciences and keep up on my languages. I’m not saying that I am dropping all of you, because that’s the last thing in the world that I would ever do that. BUT for the next while there’s not a lot I can do. I am not doing this to be selfish, I am trying to get healthy, keep my grades and spirits up.
I understand more than you know that life is tough, and we all have problems and issues – because my friends, I have plenty of my own. But I am taking the reigns of my life back before my elastic band breaks or my poor camel’s back breaks.
I know I am not a superhero and I am not a miracle worker but at the same time I know, just as well as the rest of the world that I will do anything for any of my friends or family… I will drop what’s at hand and help them. But there comes a time when I need to concentrate on myself, and put me first.
I know I have issues saying no, which leads to me taking on too much. I work too hard, I don’t take time for myself… relax is not a word that is very commonly used in my vocabulary.
When I utilize that two letter word that I hate so much people are shocked and often appalled. There is only so much I can do for everyone I do need to concentrate on myself and my troubles and my life (believe it or not, I have one).
I’ve been sick for the past week, I had a stressful week at school last week and a topsy turvy weekend and I am ready for a week of nothingness. Instead I am concentrating on me, I am planning on kicking this sickness’s ass, I need to get my energy back an start feeling better, I need to get caught up in my sciences and keep up on my languages. I’m not saying that I am dropping all of you, because that’s the last thing in the world that I would ever do that. BUT for the next while there’s not a lot I can do. I am not doing this to be selfish, I am trying to get healthy, keep my grades and spirits up.
I understand more than you know that life is tough, and we all have problems and issues – because my friends, I have plenty of my own. But I am taking the reigns of my life back before my elastic band breaks or my poor camel’s back breaks.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
P.S. I love you!!!
So this is just a quick note before I go have a nap... yup I am having a nap because I feel like death warmed over... gotta love the flu!!
I know there are at least four of you reading this on a regular basis, I wouldn't be surprised if there were more of you.
Anyways, thanks for reading homedawgs, but don't forget you can comment on any of my posts if you want! You don't even have to say who you are! That way I will know that people are reading and might have an incentive to keep writing!!!
peace out... naptime for the sick girl...
I know there are at least four of you reading this on a regular basis, I wouldn't be surprised if there were more of you.
Anyways, thanks for reading homedawgs, but don't forget you can comment on any of my posts if you want! You don't even have to say who you are! That way I will know that people are reading and might have an incentive to keep writing!!!
peace out... naptime for the sick girl...
lights, spirits, deer and dad
I'm not sure what you (whomever is reading this) think on spirits or signs from above. What I do know is that I have been a strong believer since I was four-years-one-month-and-twenty-three-days-old.
When you lose someone close to you many people need something to hold onto and since I lost my dad I have constantly been looking for signs that he is with me or watching over me. Some people may say that that is a bit desperate or whatever, but that's their opinion.
In highschool Vanissa and I would go for long walks, and a bunch of us would go for a cruise, and there was always a light that would go out as we drove or walked past.... never any others... just odd.. and everytime it did it made me think of my dad - random yes, unbelievable to others.
To this day I am still looking for signs, and some of them have been confirmed by a medium. There's another topic that some find contrevercial... but I didn't bat an eye, I wanted answers, my family doesn't talk so I went searching on my own.
The medium said that if I ever see inkblots, it's my dad's way of being a trouble maker... she had no idea I was a writer, and that I have tons of inkblots. She confirmed lights going out being a way spirits often make their presence known.
I guess I use it as a security blankte of sorts - believing that my father is with me and watching over me. Others would say it's a bit absurd, but once they go through the loss, uncertainty and loneliness then they may begin to comprehend what I mean.
I talk to him sometimes, as if he were sitting with me... some may find this crazy, but it's something I have done since I was a child. I don't always talk aloud, but often I do. When visiting his and Carl's graves I always talk aloud, about what's going on in my life since the last time I stopped and anything I could use some help with. Oddly enough I used to make countless trips the their gravesites in high school when having troubles with friends and school in general.
I used to be super jealous of my brother and handful of cousins... they've all had near death experiences (not why I am jealous!), but during said experiences they have all had an act of a higher being obviously saving their asses... one being dad. I guess it made me jealous because they all had more time with him when he was on Earth, and since then he has been present in their lives and I was never 100 per cent certain he was still around me.
There have been a handful of reassurances I have had over the years, but the most recent takes the cake, and when I told my mom this one she was floored...
Just some back story before I tell this, my dad was an avid hunter and fisher. Hunting was like a lifestyle for him and his brothers and friends. On his headstone there is a deer, and we still have two of his deerheads and photos of all the deer he had shot....
It was the 20th anniversary of my father's death, or very close to there... so I made my treck to the cemetary, and as I walked down the row to Dad and Carl's graves I was talking away. Saying how much I missed them, wished they were here, and that there was something I wish I could share with dad. So I was chatting, keep in mind it's me in a cemetary alone, no one else is there, nothing else is there... nothing living anyway... And so I proceeded to tell my dad that I had met someone, not just any someone, but I was pretty sure that I had found 'the one' and that I wished he was here so I could talk to him about it, and so he could meet Jordan... so I could know what my dad thought... but then I finished saying I knew that if I was sure enough of something then either way I knew my dad would be happy for me and proud all at the same time... So I walked back to my car got in and began to drive down the path to turn around and leave the cemetary.... but as I looked up, there stood a young fawn, still with spots (a baby deer aka bambi)... and that's when I was reassured that my dad is with me, my dad is watching over me and that he is proud of the decisions I have come to....
But that's my interpretation of it...I know there are some people who would just say that it was a baby deer lost...
When you lose someone close to you many people need something to hold onto and since I lost my dad I have constantly been looking for signs that he is with me or watching over me. Some people may say that that is a bit desperate or whatever, but that's their opinion.
In highschool Vanissa and I would go for long walks, and a bunch of us would go for a cruise, and there was always a light that would go out as we drove or walked past.... never any others... just odd.. and everytime it did it made me think of my dad - random yes, unbelievable to others.
To this day I am still looking for signs, and some of them have been confirmed by a medium. There's another topic that some find contrevercial... but I didn't bat an eye, I wanted answers, my family doesn't talk so I went searching on my own.
The medium said that if I ever see inkblots, it's my dad's way of being a trouble maker... she had no idea I was a writer, and that I have tons of inkblots. She confirmed lights going out being a way spirits often make their presence known.
I guess I use it as a security blankte of sorts - believing that my father is with me and watching over me. Others would say it's a bit absurd, but once they go through the loss, uncertainty and loneliness then they may begin to comprehend what I mean.
I talk to him sometimes, as if he were sitting with me... some may find this crazy, but it's something I have done since I was a child. I don't always talk aloud, but often I do. When visiting his and Carl's graves I always talk aloud, about what's going on in my life since the last time I stopped and anything I could use some help with. Oddly enough I used to make countless trips the their gravesites in high school when having troubles with friends and school in general.
I used to be super jealous of my brother and handful of cousins... they've all had near death experiences (not why I am jealous!), but during said experiences they have all had an act of a higher being obviously saving their asses... one being dad. I guess it made me jealous because they all had more time with him when he was on Earth, and since then he has been present in their lives and I was never 100 per cent certain he was still around me.
There have been a handful of reassurances I have had over the years, but the most recent takes the cake, and when I told my mom this one she was floored...
Just some back story before I tell this, my dad was an avid hunter and fisher. Hunting was like a lifestyle for him and his brothers and friends. On his headstone there is a deer, and we still have two of his deerheads and photos of all the deer he had shot....
It was the 20th anniversary of my father's death, or very close to there... so I made my treck to the cemetary, and as I walked down the row to Dad and Carl's graves I was talking away. Saying how much I missed them, wished they were here, and that there was something I wish I could share with dad. So I was chatting, keep in mind it's me in a cemetary alone, no one else is there, nothing else is there... nothing living anyway... And so I proceeded to tell my dad that I had met someone, not just any someone, but I was pretty sure that I had found 'the one' and that I wished he was here so I could talk to him about it, and so he could meet Jordan... so I could know what my dad thought... but then I finished saying I knew that if I was sure enough of something then either way I knew my dad would be happy for me and proud all at the same time... So I walked back to my car got in and began to drive down the path to turn around and leave the cemetary.... but as I looked up, there stood a young fawn, still with spots (a baby deer aka bambi)... and that's when I was reassured that my dad is with me, my dad is watching over me and that he is proud of the decisions I have come to....
But that's my interpretation of it...I know there are some people who would just say that it was a baby deer lost...
Monday, October 12, 2009
jeal⋅ous⋅y
So I started this the other night, and then decided against posting it, but BLOGGER saved it so I reread it, and decided to post it anyways... even though it makes me seem petty and well, rather jealous! I am fine with how things are going, and I realize that it was my decision to move away, but I don't always like the concequences of my decisions...
jeal⋅ous⋅y
[jel-uh-see]
–noun, plural -ous⋅ies for 4.
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
Yup, I am normal... just like everyone else I get jealous. Sometimes, as many of you know, over the most stupid of things... Jealousy is one thing I hate most. I hate being 'that girl'.
Not only am I jealous, but paranoid... jealous of the people who have 'replaced' me in relationships with old friends.... paranoid that current friends will do the same.
My biggest jealousy factor right now is another girl... but not the way you're all thinking. It's someone that my mother and family keep looking to for help with things that I should be doing and have done in the past.
I love said person to death, but at the same time would like to squash her like a bug. I got over the fact that said individual babysits my nephews now, and spends more time with them than I do... and I am paraoid that they will love her more that me. But I have dealt with that, I am the one that chose to move - therefore I need to deal with the concequences of my decisions... right?!
That's when my mom started to ask her to do things that I used to do, and things that mean a lot to me. I was offended beyond belief when my mother gave her money and asked her to place flowers on my father's grave and my brother's grave. 1) said individual never knew my father or Carl and does not know much about them 2) she always acts she knows all about them and 3) he's my father and my brother.
What bothers me most is that she has no issues flaunting all of this or tossing it back in my face that she is spending time with my family and doing all the things that I used to do... but it's all ok because she's doing a better job.
What also really gets to me is that my family is replacing me... not completely... but by getting her to do the things I used to ALWAYS do, I feel like I am being replaced... and if she is doing all of this, then what is left for me?
jeal⋅ous⋅y
[jel-uh-see]
–noun, plural -ous⋅ies for 4.
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
Yup, I am normal... just like everyone else I get jealous. Sometimes, as many of you know, over the most stupid of things... Jealousy is one thing I hate most. I hate being 'that girl'.
Not only am I jealous, but paranoid... jealous of the people who have 'replaced' me in relationships with old friends.... paranoid that current friends will do the same.
My biggest jealousy factor right now is another girl... but not the way you're all thinking. It's someone that my mother and family keep looking to for help with things that I should be doing and have done in the past.
I love said person to death, but at the same time would like to squash her like a bug. I got over the fact that said individual babysits my nephews now, and spends more time with them than I do... and I am paraoid that they will love her more that me. But I have dealt with that, I am the one that chose to move - therefore I need to deal with the concequences of my decisions... right?!
That's when my mom started to ask her to do things that I used to do, and things that mean a lot to me. I was offended beyond belief when my mother gave her money and asked her to place flowers on my father's grave and my brother's grave. 1) said individual never knew my father or Carl and does not know much about them 2) she always acts she knows all about them and 3) he's my father and my brother.
What bothers me most is that she has no issues flaunting all of this or tossing it back in my face that she is spending time with my family and doing all the things that I used to do... but it's all ok because she's doing a better job.
What also really gets to me is that my family is replacing me... not completely... but by getting her to do the things I used to ALWAYS do, I feel like I am being replaced... and if she is doing all of this, then what is left for me?
The art of giving thanks...
thanks⋅giv⋅ing[thangks-giv-ing]
–noun 1. the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors.
Thanksgiving is by far my most favourite holiday of them all... it has yet to be overdone by the media or hyped up and commercialized. It is a chance for families and friends to gather and be thankful for what they have in their lives.But do we really need to set one day aside every year to show our thanks? Shouldn't we show thanks when thanks is due?
Shouldn't it be a constant factor in our everyday lives?I know I try my best to show thanks when I know it is needed. I am so very thankful for the important people in my life (friends and family). They are my pillars, they keep me going when the times get tough and I am ready to give up.
It wouldn't be fair for me to let a year go by without showing thanks to those important people.The list of important people in my life has changed over the years, but that doesn’t mean that I am less thankful to the people who were there along the way back then. I am still thankful to the people I was close with in high school, overseas, college and the post college days... even though most of them no longer play a large roll in my life, because at one point they did... friends have a tendency to come and go... but I am very grateful and thankful for the handful of them that have stayed over the years because I truly believe that I would be lost without them.
So I think each and every one of us needs to make a more conscious effort to show thanks to the people that
Over the past year, I have had plenty to be thankful for, and most of it comes back to the friends I talked about earlier. It has been a year since I ended the worst relationship of my life, and I am proud I finally found my feet and walked away when I did, and I only did it because I had the friends backing me up. It wasn't easy and lead to a tough couple of months... but during those couple of months I had my friends when I needed them the most.
When my hours were cut at work, I had the same group of friends to cry to and vent to.
When my heart was stomped on again and again, I had the same people to turn to.
When my grandmother died, and I realized that I wasn't heartless, and that she wasn't heartless and that we both really did love eachother... I had the friends to turn to, and they came through in amazing measures. I didn't think it would be that tough to lose her, but the friends made it more bearable.
When the crazy I had walked away from in October returned, and I had to change my phone... the same people were there reminding me although my reaction may have seemed a bit extreme, it got my point across.
When I nearly had to back out of an important event because I was beyond broke because I had loaned out too much of my own money, I had two amazing friends offer support.
When I met the love of my life, it was the same group of friends to share the news with.
When I got accepted to school, and my student loans came through I had the friends and family to share the exciting news with (even if they didn't want to see me leave).
When I had to move, I had friends help me pack, move and reassure me even though it wasn't easy - it was the right move to make.
And in between and after all of that there have been tough days, and grouchy days, and good days and happy days, and confusing days and indecisive days.... and through all of those days - I have had the same group of friends and family cheering me on, helping me out, listening and offering advice when needed... and for that, I am truly grateful and beyond thankful for... if only there were a way to explain how far the thanks and gratefulness goes...
–noun 1. the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors.
Thanksgiving is by far my most favourite holiday of them all... it has yet to be overdone by the media or hyped up and commercialized. It is a chance for families and friends to gather and be thankful for what they have in their lives.But do we really need to set one day aside every year to show our thanks? Shouldn't we show thanks when thanks is due?
Shouldn't it be a constant factor in our everyday lives?I know I try my best to show thanks when I know it is needed. I am so very thankful for the important people in my life (friends and family). They are my pillars, they keep me going when the times get tough and I am ready to give up.
It wouldn't be fair for me to let a year go by without showing thanks to those important people.The list of important people in my life has changed over the years, but that doesn’t mean that I am less thankful to the people who were there along the way back then. I am still thankful to the people I was close with in high school, overseas, college and the post college days... even though most of them no longer play a large roll in my life, because at one point they did... friends have a tendency to come and go... but I am very grateful and thankful for the handful of them that have stayed over the years because I truly believe that I would be lost without them.
So I think each and every one of us needs to make a more conscious effort to show thanks to the people that
Over the past year, I have had plenty to be thankful for, and most of it comes back to the friends I talked about earlier. It has been a year since I ended the worst relationship of my life, and I am proud I finally found my feet and walked away when I did, and I only did it because I had the friends backing me up. It wasn't easy and lead to a tough couple of months... but during those couple of months I had my friends when I needed them the most.
When my hours were cut at work, I had the same group of friends to cry to and vent to.
When my heart was stomped on again and again, I had the same people to turn to.
When my grandmother died, and I realized that I wasn't heartless, and that she wasn't heartless and that we both really did love eachother... I had the friends to turn to, and they came through in amazing measures. I didn't think it would be that tough to lose her, but the friends made it more bearable.
When the crazy I had walked away from in October returned, and I had to change my phone... the same people were there reminding me although my reaction may have seemed a bit extreme, it got my point across.
When I nearly had to back out of an important event because I was beyond broke because I had loaned out too much of my own money, I had two amazing friends offer support.
When I met the love of my life, it was the same group of friends to share the news with.
When I got accepted to school, and my student loans came through I had the friends and family to share the exciting news with (even if they didn't want to see me leave).
When I had to move, I had friends help me pack, move and reassure me even though it wasn't easy - it was the right move to make.
And in between and after all of that there have been tough days, and grouchy days, and good days and happy days, and confusing days and indecisive days.... and through all of those days - I have had the same group of friends and family cheering me on, helping me out, listening and offering advice when needed... and for that, I am truly grateful and beyond thankful for... if only there were a way to explain how far the thanks and gratefulness goes...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
ACK! Procrastination has struck yet again! I really should be finishing up my French presentation, it's nearly done...then I just have to practice a bunch of times and colour a picture of Snow White and print off photos of the dwarfs... all because Walmart didn't have stupid figurines of them... only two of them!
I got side tracked talking to a friend on facebook... but it was a good thing. She complimented me on my writing, which is always an amazing thing to hear.
Needless to say I have had some issues settling in RD and with school... but I am slowly adjusting and getting used to it all. It's just tough, and yes I know life is tough... trust me, I know life isn't a cake walk, and I never take the easy route...
Sometimes in our darkest hours we are reminded of the amazing friends and family we have in our lives. My friends are an amazing group of people as are most of my family members. My friends have become my family. I am closer to most of my friends than I am with almost any of my family members. They have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and when I needed advice.... or to just chill and hang out... when sometimes my family members fall short. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking my family, because I love them dearly.
I would be completely lost without my friends, seriously the visits from Calgary and Stettler, the long distance phone calls (at all hours of the day and night...), the endless texts, emails and facebook messages have really helped me.
I seriously pray to every higher being (god, godess, budda... what have you) that my bad luck has run dry, because I have had enough of stupid shit go wrong, and just need stuff to start going my way!!
I just have to remind myself, why I am doing what I have decided to do, and that I do have a support system... even if they are hundreds or thousands of kilometers away.
I could totally go on and on... but for now, I have to go finish writing about Snow White and her seven friends...
I got side tracked talking to a friend on facebook... but it was a good thing. She complimented me on my writing, which is always an amazing thing to hear.
Needless to say I have had some issues settling in RD and with school... but I am slowly adjusting and getting used to it all. It's just tough, and yes I know life is tough... trust me, I know life isn't a cake walk, and I never take the easy route...
Sometimes in our darkest hours we are reminded of the amazing friends and family we have in our lives. My friends are an amazing group of people as are most of my family members. My friends have become my family. I am closer to most of my friends than I am with almost any of my family members. They have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and when I needed advice.... or to just chill and hang out... when sometimes my family members fall short. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking my family, because I love them dearly.
I would be completely lost without my friends, seriously the visits from Calgary and Stettler, the long distance phone calls (at all hours of the day and night...), the endless texts, emails and facebook messages have really helped me.
I seriously pray to every higher being (god, godess, budda... what have you) that my bad luck has run dry, because I have had enough of stupid shit go wrong, and just need stuff to start going my way!!
I just have to remind myself, why I am doing what I have decided to do, and that I do have a support system... even if they are hundreds or thousands of kilometers away.
I could totally go on and on... but for now, I have to go finish writing about Snow White and her seven friends...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I forgot how refreshing it is to catch up with close friends. Even though essentially (in a perfect world) close friends shouldn't need to catch up because they're always there...right?! Well sometimes we get caught up in our busy lives and don't always have the time too keep up-to-date, even with the best of intentions.
It's nice to put everything on hold, and just kick back and catch up with friends. It's nice to know what they've been up to, how their family is doing, how their children are growing and just visit.
There's a reason they are close friends, there are reasons we have stayed in touch and those reasons are far more important than we often let on.
I have four very close "girl" friends and a handful of others close behind. My four close friends are scattered across Alberta and BC. Sometimes it really bites, because I just want to have a cup of coffee or sit down to dinner and rehash old memories, just have a girls night, or just be able to see the girls...
At the same time, it's a blessing to know that I am lucky enough to have close friends, that would drop anything to help me, and that I know I would drop everything for. They have shared in some epic and monumental moments in my life, and I hope that we never part ways.
Tonight I had the opportunity to help a friend work through a sticky situation. I won't name names, and I won't go into details. But said friend has quite the prediciment (sp?!) on her hands, and don't hold the answers... only she does. What I did was asked her questions to figure out what she wanted, and then gave her ideas on how to come to a solution for her situation. It pains me that she sat on her problem for weeks because she knew I was happier than I had been in a long time and didn't want to disrupt that. Needless to say it didn't take a lot of convincing to remind her that my happiness will never be sacrificed for a friend. BUT that I find my friends to be a the top of my priorities. I reminded her that she is far more important than a couple minutes of happiness, and that if I am truely happy, it will return after I help figure out a solution. We had a heart-to-heart... just like the old days... It made me miss her, but made me grateful once again to have such an amazing person in my life...
You ladies are simply amazing, and I would be truely lost without the set of you!
It's nice to put everything on hold, and just kick back and catch up with friends. It's nice to know what they've been up to, how their family is doing, how their children are growing and just visit.
There's a reason they are close friends, there are reasons we have stayed in touch and those reasons are far more important than we often let on.
I have four very close "girl" friends and a handful of others close behind. My four close friends are scattered across Alberta and BC. Sometimes it really bites, because I just want to have a cup of coffee or sit down to dinner and rehash old memories, just have a girls night, or just be able to see the girls...
At the same time, it's a blessing to know that I am lucky enough to have close friends, that would drop anything to help me, and that I know I would drop everything for. They have shared in some epic and monumental moments in my life, and I hope that we never part ways.
Tonight I had the opportunity to help a friend work through a sticky situation. I won't name names, and I won't go into details. But said friend has quite the prediciment (sp?!) on her hands, and don't hold the answers... only she does. What I did was asked her questions to figure out what she wanted, and then gave her ideas on how to come to a solution for her situation. It pains me that she sat on her problem for weeks because she knew I was happier than I had been in a long time and didn't want to disrupt that. Needless to say it didn't take a lot of convincing to remind her that my happiness will never be sacrificed for a friend. BUT that I find my friends to be a the top of my priorities. I reminded her that she is far more important than a couple minutes of happiness, and that if I am truely happy, it will return after I help figure out a solution. We had a heart-to-heart... just like the old days... It made me miss her, but made me grateful once again to have such an amazing person in my life...
You ladies are simply amazing, and I would be truely lost without the set of you!
Friday, September 25, 2009
... Imabeliever ...
I honestly thought all the love stricken people of the world were crazy and on crack. I had given up hope that true love existed and that the possibility of finding love was even do-able. And the ones who said that they knew from the beginning that they had found 'the one' I thought were seriously cracked out... until it happened to me.
I can honestly say I am in the same boat as them, and quite frankly it has got to be one large boat because there are many of us aboard.
They always told me it would happen when I least expected it, and that is beyond true... I was not expecting to fall for the person I was, I was not expecting to fall at all... I was perfectly fine with what I had created for myself. I would be single for life, I would be an elementary school teacher and I would adopt children.
Well now that plan has been scrapped and I have found the individual I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to marry said individual, I want to start a family with him and I want to grow old with him.
I don't know how it happened, but it did and it is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Will I finish school, one day I hope, will it be in the four years like I had planned, maybe not.
I used to think I was a happy person, but nothing can compare to the happiness he has brought into my life. He has given me hope and has opened up a new chapter in my life, a happy one.
The physical distance between us is huge but we talk so often and he knows me so well that it doesn't feel so bad.
So the believers are not as cracked out as I had once believed, as I am now one of them. It's a great group to belong to and I am looking forward to a life-long membership to said group.
I didn't know what love was, I had never told anyone I had loved them (other than family) and all of the 'I love yous' I had received were due to copious amounts of alcohol, with no real meaning behind them just the sole intention of seeking sex.
Now I know what it is like to truly be loved and to love. It is simply the most amazing feeling in the world. It was overwhelming at first to think that I had such immense feelings for a single individual, and that the feelings were reciprocated; but now I have become accustomed to the feeling and I enjoy it.
I never thought hearing a person’s voice could bring such joy to a day or that simply waking up next to a person could make the start to every day enjoyable.
I am a believer, I enjoy being a believer and I pray to every higher being out there that I can remain a believer for the remainder of my days.
I can honestly say I am in the same boat as them, and quite frankly it has got to be one large boat because there are many of us aboard.
They always told me it would happen when I least expected it, and that is beyond true... I was not expecting to fall for the person I was, I was not expecting to fall at all... I was perfectly fine with what I had created for myself. I would be single for life, I would be an elementary school teacher and I would adopt children.
Well now that plan has been scrapped and I have found the individual I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to marry said individual, I want to start a family with him and I want to grow old with him.
I don't know how it happened, but it did and it is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Will I finish school, one day I hope, will it be in the four years like I had planned, maybe not.
I used to think I was a happy person, but nothing can compare to the happiness he has brought into my life. He has given me hope and has opened up a new chapter in my life, a happy one.
The physical distance between us is huge but we talk so often and he knows me so well that it doesn't feel so bad.
So the believers are not as cracked out as I had once believed, as I am now one of them. It's a great group to belong to and I am looking forward to a life-long membership to said group.
I didn't know what love was, I had never told anyone I had loved them (other than family) and all of the 'I love yous' I had received were due to copious amounts of alcohol, with no real meaning behind them just the sole intention of seeking sex.
Now I know what it is like to truly be loved and to love. It is simply the most amazing feeling in the world. It was overwhelming at first to think that I had such immense feelings for a single individual, and that the feelings were reciprocated; but now I have become accustomed to the feeling and I enjoy it.
I never thought hearing a person’s voice could bring such joy to a day or that simply waking up next to a person could make the start to every day enjoyable.
I am a believer, I enjoy being a believer and I pray to every higher being out there that I can remain a believer for the remainder of my days.
Loneliness strikes again..
So I moved to Red Deer 25 days ago... and I enjoy the city, I really do... for the most part. At the same time I am rather lonely. At SAIT I made friends with my classmates very quickly and by this time had already found my group of friends in rez... so far I have some acquaintances, and I enjoy the company of my roommate and visiting with the ladies at work... but no friends to call up to hang out or to rescue me when I lock my keys in the house...
Here I am alone, very alone... I guess there are positives to that - less to distract me from homework or work... but it gets kind of redundent.
I have my close friends scattered about the province, Kaarina in BC and of course Jordan in Winnipeg... but it makes the bad days worse to know I don't have anyone to run to here.
I can always pick up the phone and call, but that will never match up to grabbing a coffee or drink and venting with someone who cares.
I guess I haven't really had the time or the chances to go out and make friends because I have been working insane hours at work and then school and homeowrk and studying... it's eating up what potential I have for a social life!
Here I am alone, very alone... I guess there are positives to that - less to distract me from homework or work... but it gets kind of redundent.
I have my close friends scattered about the province, Kaarina in BC and of course Jordan in Winnipeg... but it makes the bad days worse to know I don't have anyone to run to here.
I can always pick up the phone and call, but that will never match up to grabbing a coffee or drink and venting with someone who cares.
I guess I haven't really had the time or the chances to go out and make friends because I have been working insane hours at work and then school and homeowrk and studying... it's eating up what potential I have for a social life!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
belief
While I am a religious person and hold fast to my beliefs; I do not challenge other people's beliefs, judge them on what they do or don't believe and do not preach. Why do I believe, you ask - because it gives me comfort that there is a higher being that is there guiding me along the way especially when things get tough.
I believe that the church helped raise me, and that the church helped make me who I am. Although I believe this, I have often had my doubts and questions about the church and parts of the bible.
Lucky for me, my church is understanding and does not frown upon such feelings.
The church goes beyond being a building of worship... one of my favourite hyms growing up goes 'I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together," and it is true. The people that make up the church as a whole helped make me who I am today. They have been my cheerleaders all through my childhood, teenage years and on. They send cards of congratulations when good things happen and they are there to lean on when stuff goes wrong.
The older ladies have become like grandmothers, often closer than my own grandmothers. They have watched me grow up and have been there for many of the monumental milestones along the way.
I believe and no one can take that from me. Even in my darkest days, I have had my beliefs and my faith and that has helped me pull through.
I believe that the church helped raise me, and that the church helped make me who I am. Although I believe this, I have often had my doubts and questions about the church and parts of the bible.
Lucky for me, my church is understanding and does not frown upon such feelings.
The church goes beyond being a building of worship... one of my favourite hyms growing up goes 'I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together," and it is true. The people that make up the church as a whole helped make me who I am today. They have been my cheerleaders all through my childhood, teenage years and on. They send cards of congratulations when good things happen and they are there to lean on when stuff goes wrong.
The older ladies have become like grandmothers, often closer than my own grandmothers. They have watched me grow up and have been there for many of the monumental milestones along the way.
I believe and no one can take that from me. Even in my darkest days, I have had my beliefs and my faith and that has helped me pull through.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
listen to myself
I caught myself today as I was offering some advice to a friend going through a tough time - I caught myself saying stuff I didn't even think I believed in.
Said friend is going through a separation from her husband of some time, the couple have two young children.
I surprised myself by telling her that one day when she is ready to put herself back out there she may find love again - perhaps her ONE love.
I guess deep down I believed it - but had yet to vocalize it for a long time... and I felt like a bit of a hypocrite for saying such things when I have lost hope for myself.
So that got me thinking - I am good at giving advice that I think sounds good - but why don't I follow the wise words I offer to friends?
I need to get back on the ball and put myself out there and see what I can see - but the thing is I don't know if I can trust. And the past couple of guys I have been involved with have managed to eat away at my confidence and self worth - I find it hard to believe that anyone would be attracted to me.... I KNOW I KNOW that there are people out there - and that I am beautiful... I know those things, but I don't believe them anymore.
Said friend is going through a separation from her husband of some time, the couple have two young children.
I surprised myself by telling her that one day when she is ready to put herself back out there she may find love again - perhaps her ONE love.
I guess deep down I believed it - but had yet to vocalize it for a long time... and I felt like a bit of a hypocrite for saying such things when I have lost hope for myself.
So that got me thinking - I am good at giving advice that I think sounds good - but why don't I follow the wise words I offer to friends?
I need to get back on the ball and put myself out there and see what I can see - but the thing is I don't know if I can trust. And the past couple of guys I have been involved with have managed to eat away at my confidence and self worth - I find it hard to believe that anyone would be attracted to me.... I KNOW I KNOW that there are people out there - and that I am beautiful... I know those things, but I don't believe them anymore.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
standing still...
Sometimes, especially lately, I feel like I am standing still as the rest of the world is zooming past - moving forward.
I am always extremely happy for my friends when they're going through these life changing blessings such as getting engaged, married or starting a family of their own. But as all of my friends begin each of these things, I have noticed that I am quite far behind.
I find myself feeling hopeless and lonely. Everyone seems to be in superspeed and I am on pause. People I went to school with are happy with their careers, finishing school, married, getting married and parents... I don't even know what I want eat for lunch let alone what to do for a career.
It's frustrating seeing some people that I ignorantly assumed would go nowhere in life accomplishing EVERYTHING I want. I know what I want, and I want it sooo bad yet I can't find it.
Sometimes I find it especially difficult to be happy for some people, the ones closest to me I am genuinely happy for - because I love them and want them to be happiest of all... but the one's I am not that close to I find myself being jealous and wishing that it was me.... not them.
I know no one's life is picture perfect, and that everyon has fallbacks etc. but I just wish that something would go my way!
I am always extremely happy for my friends when they're going through these life changing blessings such as getting engaged, married or starting a family of their own. But as all of my friends begin each of these things, I have noticed that I am quite far behind.
I find myself feeling hopeless and lonely. Everyone seems to be in superspeed and I am on pause. People I went to school with are happy with their careers, finishing school, married, getting married and parents... I don't even know what I want eat for lunch let alone what to do for a career.
It's frustrating seeing some people that I ignorantly assumed would go nowhere in life accomplishing EVERYTHING I want. I know what I want, and I want it sooo bad yet I can't find it.
Sometimes I find it especially difficult to be happy for some people, the ones closest to me I am genuinely happy for - because I love them and want them to be happiest of all... but the one's I am not that close to I find myself being jealous and wishing that it was me.... not them.
I know no one's life is picture perfect, and that everyon has fallbacks etc. but I just wish that something would go my way!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
left behind
... this was a saved draft from March 4, 2009, that I didn't hit publish for...
Lately it feels as if everyone is moving forward while I am stuck standing still and being left behind. It seems as if everyone has everything I hoped and dreamed up and I am still alone and far behind my dreams.
I know it may seem like they all have it together, and that they have problems of their own like everyone.
It's the fact that my old friends are moving so far ahead and I have nothing to do with it. It's my best friends having children and me not being a part of their lives as much. It's old friends getting married and me watching from afar.
It's the people I never dreamed of settling down, finding love or starting families that find all of that and more... and me single as ever... Not only am I single, but I have to deal with the constant questions about why I am single, when do I plan on getting married or dating - it goes on and on and on.
Although these people question me, it's not like I know the answer to their questions, nor do I care to know the answers at times. I guess you could say I am sitting on the fence with this one... I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to think. I hope that one day I will figure it out, or move on. One thing I do think I know for certain is that I don't plan on finding anyone here that fits the bill...
So for now ladies and gentlement you just have to wait tight to see what the rest of the story will look like...
Lately it feels as if everyone is moving forward while I am stuck standing still and being left behind. It seems as if everyone has everything I hoped and dreamed up and I am still alone and far behind my dreams.
I know it may seem like they all have it together, and that they have problems of their own like everyone.
It's the fact that my old friends are moving so far ahead and I have nothing to do with it. It's my best friends having children and me not being a part of their lives as much. It's old friends getting married and me watching from afar.
It's the people I never dreamed of settling down, finding love or starting families that find all of that and more... and me single as ever... Not only am I single, but I have to deal with the constant questions about why I am single, when do I plan on getting married or dating - it goes on and on and on.
Although these people question me, it's not like I know the answer to their questions, nor do I care to know the answers at times. I guess you could say I am sitting on the fence with this one... I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to think. I hope that one day I will figure it out, or move on. One thing I do think I know for certain is that I don't plan on finding anyone here that fits the bill...
So for now ladies and gentlement you just have to wait tight to see what the rest of the story will look like...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Like the rest of the Facebook world, I was plagued with being tagged countless times in the whole 25 things about me fad.
So I finally gave in and typed up 25 random facts about me… tagged those who had tagged me and then some.
A couple of hours later one of the people I had tagged relented and filled out her 25 things too… and it was then that I realized that unlike her 25th thing on her list, I am not sure if I will find my ‘someone’.
“25) Well, this is the 25th random thing about me, took me almost an hour to think about it and write it, sometimes with tears in my eyes; The 25th thing I want you to know is that I do believe I will find the love of my life even if I say otherwise... I believe that there is someone out there for each person... My true love will be out there somewhere but now I guess I am on the path to find him... since I haven't quite yet...”
I am not being pessimistic, I just don’t know, I used to think for sure that I will find that person. Don’t get me wrong, like nearly ever girl out there I want to settle down and I want to get married and have a family of my own. But at the same time I have confidence that if needed I could adopt and be a perfectly fine mother being single. I know it’s not an easy lifestyle, but that’s how I was raised and I don’t know any different.
This is something new for me, because I used to be the most optimistic person, thinking that I will find my Mr. Right and live happily ever after… So I don’t know if it was my last failed attempt at a relationship that turned me this way, if it was a dose of realism or if I am just tired of getting my hopes up. I would love to find that special someone because being the single one gets tiresome and lonely… especially at family gatherings. At my grandmother’s funeral on Monday I truly felt ALONE, because my mother didn’t sit with the family and all my cousins have families of their own or their parents and now my brother has a family of his own and sometimes it feels as if I have fallen between the cracks, overlooked.
Everyone says that there is a special someone out there for EVERYONE… but how do I know that I haven’t already had that chance, met that person and things didn’t work out?!
I have dated or ‘seen’ people that I thought could have been ‘the one’ I can say that without a doubt. But I can also truly say that I don’t believe I truly loved those people, and that I was just settling for what was comfortable and for what I felt I deserved… only to see now that I deserve more and better, and I don’t want to settle for anything less than I deserve.
I don’t want you to reply saying… ‘Oh Adrianne don’t be silly there is someone out there.’ Because I am not worried! I know if that opportunity comes it does, and hopefully it will work out and I will snatch it up… but if it doesn’t that’s ok too. I am not going to get my hopes up and all that stuff, I will just live life to its fullest and embrace what comes my way.
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