The title states it all... the more bored I am the more random I become!!! It makes the day more interesting though... Random thoughts from throughout the day... want me to elaborate - comment with questions or concerns!!
* I wish I had a dog so I had someone to talk to when I am driving...
* I think Ellen is amazing, and wish I could dance like the big black girl...
* Jon and Kate should disappear... soonish
* Maybe snowmobiling from Winnipeg to Stettler could be a fun adventure...
* Christmas is coming and I kind of want to go skating
* My room is a disastor, but nothing like on ANTM... but close...
* how many times can you use a teabag before it doesn't work???
* how much tea is too much tea?
* what do you do when there is a moose standing on the road and won't move??
* KIJIJI is an amazing thing, thank God I am broke or I might join Andrea in her new addiction.
* I need to become more creative... then my Christmas presents will save me money this year... orrr I could pay someone to do it for me... but then there's no saving of money... ooooh boy...
* if I had a penny for every text or blackberry message sent, I would be insanely rich... especially if I were paid by the word.
* I ran out of apple juice, orange juice and peppermint tea all in one day and refused to leave the house to get more because I didn't want to get out of my pyjamas, but didn't hesitate to change and go buy a Christmas tree...
* I need to downsize and get rid of a lot of my clothes...
* what do people think when they dance and sing as they're walking down the street.... seriously we're all making fun of you and your air guitar.
* Although I love Snow White, why would you eat an apple from a witch?! DUH!
* Also on the Snow White topic... why would you cook and clean for seven tiny men... FREE of charge?!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
sometimes we all fall down...
Sometimes we all have moments where we feel like we're admitting defeat, when giving up or giving in would seem easier than forging ahead and overcoming all that stands in our way.
It's during these times when we often turn to someone be it family, friends or a loved one for help, advice or just support. It's not always easy to ask for help, especially for those who are independent and want to do things on their own.
Admittedly I have found myself in this position a time or two since deciding to go back to school.. and I am praying that it will fix its self... or I will seriously consider taking a semester or year off to save up or rethink the whole thing.
Swallowing my pride is not an easy feat for me, I have been on my own for a long time, I should know how to do it by now. I hope once my finances fall into place and I have my inheritance that everything will start to fall into place.
When that happens then I can breath easy and not feel so restricted, trapped or confined.
I know it's normal, we all have our moments, and lately it seems to be the going thing. After falling down, I feel weak or guilty, neither of which I do well.
I am eternally grateful for those who have been there with advice, support and help - you're the best. I always do my best to return the favour or repay the debts as soon as I can in the best way possible.
I am still sick, and have finally taken time off of school... I spent most of yesterday and all of today home... and hope I am on the up and up shortly or I might go insane! I had a great evening with my roommate! We went and bought a Christmas Tree (Jordan, you can shush on the whole grossness of fake trees... we will get you a real one when you're out!). Yes we bought a tree, with Curtis' money (he doesn't know that yet... that's what you get for leaving money in your laundry Curtis!!!). Now we have time to search out the best Christmas ornaments!! And we have to buy stockings to put on our fire place for Andrea, Curtis, Jordan and me!! And then I can start buying stocking stuffers!!
Although I hate Christmas, I absolutely love love looooove stockings!!! And this year I get to do the whole family!! Speaking of which... I need to get Austin, Slade and Dana stockings this year and get their names embroidered on them!!
OK, sleep time, I have to get up early-ish to run to the school to get a movie to prepare for a French test!!
I will post a random post about my sickday... hehehe you should all get a chuckle out of it!
It's during these times when we often turn to someone be it family, friends or a loved one for help, advice or just support. It's not always easy to ask for help, especially for those who are independent and want to do things on their own.
Admittedly I have found myself in this position a time or two since deciding to go back to school.. and I am praying that it will fix its self... or I will seriously consider taking a semester or year off to save up or rethink the whole thing.
Swallowing my pride is not an easy feat for me, I have been on my own for a long time, I should know how to do it by now. I hope once my finances fall into place and I have my inheritance that everything will start to fall into place.
When that happens then I can breath easy and not feel so restricted, trapped or confined.
I know it's normal, we all have our moments, and lately it seems to be the going thing. After falling down, I feel weak or guilty, neither of which I do well.
I am eternally grateful for those who have been there with advice, support and help - you're the best. I always do my best to return the favour or repay the debts as soon as I can in the best way possible.
I am still sick, and have finally taken time off of school... I spent most of yesterday and all of today home... and hope I am on the up and up shortly or I might go insane! I had a great evening with my roommate! We went and bought a Christmas Tree (Jordan, you can shush on the whole grossness of fake trees... we will get you a real one when you're out!). Yes we bought a tree, with Curtis' money (he doesn't know that yet... that's what you get for leaving money in your laundry Curtis!!!). Now we have time to search out the best Christmas ornaments!! And we have to buy stockings to put on our fire place for Andrea, Curtis, Jordan and me!! And then I can start buying stocking stuffers!!
Although I hate Christmas, I absolutely love love looooove stockings!!! And this year I get to do the whole family!! Speaking of which... I need to get Austin, Slade and Dana stockings this year and get their names embroidered on them!!
OK, sleep time, I have to get up early-ish to run to the school to get a movie to prepare for a French test!!
I will post a random post about my sickday... hehehe you should all get a chuckle out of it!
... part two ...
I have always beleived to some extent, but had lost hope that true love was in the books for me. I had never told anyone that I love them, except for family and close friends. I had been told that someone loved me - never was it heartfelt, it was always said with alterior motives or following a night of drinking.
I had witnessed friend after friend and even my older brother fall in love, and wondered what I was doing wrong. Only to have each and everyone of them tell me that it would happen when I least expect it and that I would know as soon as I met the right person. And those replies began to drive me insane, and make me lose even more hope that it existed.
But now, I am a real believer... it happened when I least expected it and it has left me in awe... and now I am one of those people who reassures people that it will happen when they least expect it and that they will know that the person is the one.
I have grown apart from the two I was with when the initial conversation took place... but I wish I could tell them that I am a full believer - true love does exist and I have found it.
I was a pusher, I used to push people away, but maybe that was because subconsciously I knew it was because they weren't right for me... because when I found my love I have never once pushe him away. He broke down the wall I had created and waltzed right in, to stay... and to become the first male figure in my life that is here to stay.
So now that I am one of the ones who have found mytrue love, I won't stop fighting for that person - instead, I will keep it up.
I had witnessed friend after friend and even my older brother fall in love, and wondered what I was doing wrong. Only to have each and everyone of them tell me that it would happen when I least expect it and that I would know as soon as I met the right person. And those replies began to drive me insane, and make me lose even more hope that it existed.
But now, I am a real believer... it happened when I least expected it and it has left me in awe... and now I am one of those people who reassures people that it will happen when they least expect it and that they will know that the person is the one.
I have grown apart from the two I was with when the initial conversation took place... but I wish I could tell them that I am a full believer - true love does exist and I have found it.
I was a pusher, I used to push people away, but maybe that was because subconsciously I knew it was because they weren't right for me... because when I found my love I have never once pushe him away. He broke down the wall I had created and waltzed right in, to stay... and to become the first male figure in my life that is here to stay.
So now that I am one of the ones who have found mytrue love, I won't stop fighting for that person - instead, I will keep it up.
Monday, October 19, 2009
... part one ....
Some of you might have already read this one, I wrote it almost three years ago after going out for dinner with two of my closest friends at the time. Background on the story - the cook at the restaurant, was like 18 and heartbroken because she was just dumped and thought he was the one... our server (the cook's cousin) thought she would ask us for help making the cook realize that love doesn't exist... and that spurred quite the debate not only at our table but amongst the staff (we were the only table in the restaurant at the time)...
Why am I posting this!? I am sooooo glad you asked!! I am posting this here NOW, because in the next couple of days I will post the second part to it, which no one has read.... probably because I JUST wrote it.... or am in the process of writing it!!
Anyway, here it is... enjoy!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Does true love exist, or is it simply a figment of our imaginations?
Over dinner the other evening three believers began to debate the extent of true love. We all believed, but we all believe different things. How does one find true love, or does true love find you? Will it one day just fall in your lap, or must you seek to find this thing we call true love? How hard is it neccessary to fight in order to maintain this love? More importantly - how do you know that you are in true love, and the the person you are in love with is the one - your true love? Do we only get one true love, or are there more chances out there incase we don't realize the first one was meant to be? How does one convince themselves to break down the barriers they have errected to prevent being hurt - yet again to hopefully experience true love?
So many questions revolving around one simple thing. This debate we started soon managed to engulph all employees at the small resteraunt the trio of us frequent often. I think we managed to recusitate some glimmer of hope in the 18 year old cook, that maybe true love exists, and we just have to be more patient and careful with who we chose.
I guess I am just going on a rant because a lot of people close to me, or old friends who were once close have manged to find that someone. How do you know that the someone you found is the right someone? How do I know that I haven't overlooked my someone, or pushed him aside? I am a pusher, I freak out and push people away - but now I realize it was because I am scared of losing them all while forcing myself to lose them before I can get attached.
I am used to the male figures in my life leaving - be it by death, bordom, or unexplainable reasons; I have to get over that and try to change. Easier said than done, but for the chance of finding the true love everyone is talking about it would be worth it.
If you are one of the ones who have found your true love, don't stop fighting for that person - keep it up.
Why am I posting this!? I am sooooo glad you asked!! I am posting this here NOW, because in the next couple of days I will post the second part to it, which no one has read.... probably because I JUST wrote it.... or am in the process of writing it!!
Anyway, here it is... enjoy!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Does true love exist, or is it simply a figment of our imaginations?
Over dinner the other evening three believers began to debate the extent of true love. We all believed, but we all believe different things. How does one find true love, or does true love find you? Will it one day just fall in your lap, or must you seek to find this thing we call true love? How hard is it neccessary to fight in order to maintain this love? More importantly - how do you know that you are in true love, and the the person you are in love with is the one - your true love? Do we only get one true love, or are there more chances out there incase we don't realize the first one was meant to be? How does one convince themselves to break down the barriers they have errected to prevent being hurt - yet again to hopefully experience true love?
So many questions revolving around one simple thing. This debate we started soon managed to engulph all employees at the small resteraunt the trio of us frequent often. I think we managed to recusitate some glimmer of hope in the 18 year old cook, that maybe true love exists, and we just have to be more patient and careful with who we chose.
I guess I am just going on a rant because a lot of people close to me, or old friends who were once close have manged to find that someone. How do you know that the someone you found is the right someone? How do I know that I haven't overlooked my someone, or pushed him aside? I am a pusher, I freak out and push people away - but now I realize it was because I am scared of losing them all while forcing myself to lose them before I can get attached.
I am used to the male figures in my life leaving - be it by death, bordom, or unexplainable reasons; I have to get over that and try to change. Easier said than done, but for the chance of finding the true love everyone is talking about it would be worth it.
If you are one of the ones who have found your true love, don't stop fighting for that person - keep it up.
... what changed?
... what did you used to do before this Adrianne? ... why did you switch career paths?
A coworker and I got talking about my reporting and writing and why I left. She said when I talked about reportering, interviewing and writing that my eyes lit up. She said she hadn't seen me that way for a while.
It's true, I love writing more than I love working where I am now. I miss writing (thus the four blogs in one day....) and I would kill to get back into it... BUT I love children, and I have a passion to teach and to try to play a significant role in children's lives... So for now my writing has taken to the back burner. I have been told by a couple of people that it's a mistake for me to leave my writing, that I am abandoning my calling.
I am 24, how the heck am I supposed to know what my 'calling' is?
I have had two dreams since I was a child...
1) to become a teacher
2) to write a book
I have written a book... I think a total of eight people have a copy of it. It was good at the time, but I am sure if I were to re-read it I would laugh... but one day I want to get a book published! Heck I would kill to have a best seller RIGHT now... then I could just forget about school... and the teaching dream can be retired and I will teach a dog a trick or somehting...
Anyways lately I have been thinking about seriously considering writing a book... but the toughest steps are 1) figuring out what the heck to write about and 2) starting the research and the writing...
Once I get started... I think it will be a-ok... I just need to figure out a way to get the creative juices flowing and come up with a killer idea.... one day it will come to me... hopefully sooner rather than later and I can be a riiiiiiiiich published author, and see my name in print again!!!
A coworker and I got talking about my reporting and writing and why I left. She said when I talked about reportering, interviewing and writing that my eyes lit up. She said she hadn't seen me that way for a while.
It's true, I love writing more than I love working where I am now. I miss writing (thus the four blogs in one day....) and I would kill to get back into it... BUT I love children, and I have a passion to teach and to try to play a significant role in children's lives... So for now my writing has taken to the back burner. I have been told by a couple of people that it's a mistake for me to leave my writing, that I am abandoning my calling.
I am 24, how the heck am I supposed to know what my 'calling' is?
I have had two dreams since I was a child...
1) to become a teacher
2) to write a book
I have written a book... I think a total of eight people have a copy of it. It was good at the time, but I am sure if I were to re-read it I would laugh... but one day I want to get a book published! Heck I would kill to have a best seller RIGHT now... then I could just forget about school... and the teaching dream can be retired and I will teach a dog a trick or somehting...
Anyways lately I have been thinking about seriously considering writing a book... but the toughest steps are 1) figuring out what the heck to write about and 2) starting the research and the writing...
Once I get started... I think it will be a-ok... I just need to figure out a way to get the creative juices flowing and come up with a killer idea.... one day it will come to me... hopefully sooner rather than later and I can be a riiiiiiiiich published author, and see my name in print again!!!
... one thing ...
If you could gurantee one thing to the ones you love what would it be??? If you could secure one thing in your life what would it be?? Would it be a material possesion, money, love or something completely random?
We got on a similar topic of coverstaion tonight at work and it made me think... which of course leads to Adrianne over-thinking, panicking, and worrying.
If I could promise one thing to the ones I love and prevent one thing from happening to them and myself... it would be that they will never be alone. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless because there is only so much I can do as one person. But I wish there were more I could do. I wish I could be there for my mom when she needs someone, but I have come to the realization that there's only so much I can do, and that I have done far more than the majority of people my age. I wish I could be there for my friends when things aren't going right, but often times I can't physcially be there because of the distance, money issues and other committments. I wish I could be there for my friends when they're having a bad day.
I know I have an amazing set of friends, but they're so spread out that sometimes it feels like I am alone... don't freak out people I know I am not. I give more than I should and don't take as much as I should... and sometimes worry that it will wind me up alone. I know - not likely but crazier shit has happened.
Most of all, I am worried about those I love, I don't want my mom to feel like she is alone... I want to be there for her... but I wish some others would step up and take responsibility and worry, or help or show they care.
I don't want my friends to feel like their alone, but there's only so much I can do from where I am at.
I worry too much, I really do. But I only want things to go right.
If I could do one thing, I would do my damnedest to ensure that noone ever felt alone... I really would.
We got on a similar topic of coverstaion tonight at work and it made me think... which of course leads to Adrianne over-thinking, panicking, and worrying.
If I could promise one thing to the ones I love and prevent one thing from happening to them and myself... it would be that they will never be alone. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless because there is only so much I can do as one person. But I wish there were more I could do. I wish I could be there for my mom when she needs someone, but I have come to the realization that there's only so much I can do, and that I have done far more than the majority of people my age. I wish I could be there for my friends when things aren't going right, but often times I can't physcially be there because of the distance, money issues and other committments. I wish I could be there for my friends when they're having a bad day.
I know I have an amazing set of friends, but they're so spread out that sometimes it feels like I am alone... don't freak out people I know I am not. I give more than I should and don't take as much as I should... and sometimes worry that it will wind me up alone. I know - not likely but crazier shit has happened.
Most of all, I am worried about those I love, I don't want my mom to feel like she is alone... I want to be there for her... but I wish some others would step up and take responsibility and worry, or help or show they care.
I don't want my friends to feel like their alone, but there's only so much I can do from where I am at.
I worry too much, I really do. But I only want things to go right.
If I could do one thing, I would do my damnedest to ensure that noone ever felt alone... I really would.
... sometimes we all need a reminder....
I spent a good portion of today questioning if I truly want to become a teacher. All my life I have wanted to become a teacher. We used to play school as kids, and would FIGHT to be the teacher.
I had a couple of teachers over the years that touched my life and influenced me a great deal, and I have always wanted to have that affect on youth.
But I often get sidetracked or lost and question myself... so when a facebook chat popped up at me tonight and it was one of the youth from one ofthe Boys and Girls Clubs I worked for we got into a chat about abusive relationships (she brought it up...) and I was brutally honest. I told her that I prayed she never found herself in that situation, but if she did she had to stand up for herself and walk away. When she said that she would promise me that, I had no doubts... I told her that I had always said the same thing, but I had wished I would have followed through when in such situation.
This was one of the girls I bonded most with, she was one of my favourites (we all had our favourites), and took the news of me leaving the club the hardest. We had pow wows (she is native), debates, discussions, heart to hearts and she is truly one of the greatest leaders, amazing big sister, dedicated and stubborn and reminded myself of me in sooo many ways.
After that conversation we got chatting about boys, and life and what's going on. Just being able to chat with her and realize that I have made an impact in her life made me realize that it is a true calling, and I miss it and she reminded me once again why I long to become a teacher.
If she only knew the impact she has had on me... I guess signs come from all directions and in many differen shapes...
I had a couple of teachers over the years that touched my life and influenced me a great deal, and I have always wanted to have that affect on youth.
But I often get sidetracked or lost and question myself... so when a facebook chat popped up at me tonight and it was one of the youth from one ofthe Boys and Girls Clubs I worked for we got into a chat about abusive relationships (she brought it up...) and I was brutally honest. I told her that I prayed she never found herself in that situation, but if she did she had to stand up for herself and walk away. When she said that she would promise me that, I had no doubts... I told her that I had always said the same thing, but I had wished I would have followed through when in such situation.
This was one of the girls I bonded most with, she was one of my favourites (we all had our favourites), and took the news of me leaving the club the hardest. We had pow wows (she is native), debates, discussions, heart to hearts and she is truly one of the greatest leaders, amazing big sister, dedicated and stubborn and reminded myself of me in sooo many ways.
After that conversation we got chatting about boys, and life and what's going on. Just being able to chat with her and realize that I have made an impact in her life made me realize that it is a true calling, and I miss it and she reminded me once again why I long to become a teacher.
If she only knew the impact she has had on me... I guess signs come from all directions and in many differen shapes...
it's all about me... and kicking the sickness...
An elastic band can only be stretched so far before it snaps, you can only pile so much on the camel’s back before his back breaks… so why are people expected to be any different?!
I know I am not a superhero and I am not a miracle worker but at the same time I know, just as well as the rest of the world that I will do anything for any of my friends or family… I will drop what’s at hand and help them. But there comes a time when I need to concentrate on myself, and put me first.
I know I have issues saying no, which leads to me taking on too much. I work too hard, I don’t take time for myself… relax is not a word that is very commonly used in my vocabulary.
When I utilize that two letter word that I hate so much people are shocked and often appalled. There is only so much I can do for everyone I do need to concentrate on myself and my troubles and my life (believe it or not, I have one).
I’ve been sick for the past week, I had a stressful week at school last week and a topsy turvy weekend and I am ready for a week of nothingness. Instead I am concentrating on me, I am planning on kicking this sickness’s ass, I need to get my energy back an start feeling better, I need to get caught up in my sciences and keep up on my languages. I’m not saying that I am dropping all of you, because that’s the last thing in the world that I would ever do that. BUT for the next while there’s not a lot I can do. I am not doing this to be selfish, I am trying to get healthy, keep my grades and spirits up.
I understand more than you know that life is tough, and we all have problems and issues – because my friends, I have plenty of my own. But I am taking the reigns of my life back before my elastic band breaks or my poor camel’s back breaks.
I know I am not a superhero and I am not a miracle worker but at the same time I know, just as well as the rest of the world that I will do anything for any of my friends or family… I will drop what’s at hand and help them. But there comes a time when I need to concentrate on myself, and put me first.
I know I have issues saying no, which leads to me taking on too much. I work too hard, I don’t take time for myself… relax is not a word that is very commonly used in my vocabulary.
When I utilize that two letter word that I hate so much people are shocked and often appalled. There is only so much I can do for everyone I do need to concentrate on myself and my troubles and my life (believe it or not, I have one).
I’ve been sick for the past week, I had a stressful week at school last week and a topsy turvy weekend and I am ready for a week of nothingness. Instead I am concentrating on me, I am planning on kicking this sickness’s ass, I need to get my energy back an start feeling better, I need to get caught up in my sciences and keep up on my languages. I’m not saying that I am dropping all of you, because that’s the last thing in the world that I would ever do that. BUT for the next while there’s not a lot I can do. I am not doing this to be selfish, I am trying to get healthy, keep my grades and spirits up.
I understand more than you know that life is tough, and we all have problems and issues – because my friends, I have plenty of my own. But I am taking the reigns of my life back before my elastic band breaks or my poor camel’s back breaks.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
P.S. I love you!!!
So this is just a quick note before I go have a nap... yup I am having a nap because I feel like death warmed over... gotta love the flu!!
I know there are at least four of you reading this on a regular basis, I wouldn't be surprised if there were more of you.
Anyways, thanks for reading homedawgs, but don't forget you can comment on any of my posts if you want! You don't even have to say who you are! That way I will know that people are reading and might have an incentive to keep writing!!!
peace out... naptime for the sick girl...
I know there are at least four of you reading this on a regular basis, I wouldn't be surprised if there were more of you.
Anyways, thanks for reading homedawgs, but don't forget you can comment on any of my posts if you want! You don't even have to say who you are! That way I will know that people are reading and might have an incentive to keep writing!!!
peace out... naptime for the sick girl...
lights, spirits, deer and dad
I'm not sure what you (whomever is reading this) think on spirits or signs from above. What I do know is that I have been a strong believer since I was four-years-one-month-and-twenty-three-days-old.
When you lose someone close to you many people need something to hold onto and since I lost my dad I have constantly been looking for signs that he is with me or watching over me. Some people may say that that is a bit desperate or whatever, but that's their opinion.
In highschool Vanissa and I would go for long walks, and a bunch of us would go for a cruise, and there was always a light that would go out as we drove or walked past.... never any others... just odd.. and everytime it did it made me think of my dad - random yes, unbelievable to others.
To this day I am still looking for signs, and some of them have been confirmed by a medium. There's another topic that some find contrevercial... but I didn't bat an eye, I wanted answers, my family doesn't talk so I went searching on my own.
The medium said that if I ever see inkblots, it's my dad's way of being a trouble maker... she had no idea I was a writer, and that I have tons of inkblots. She confirmed lights going out being a way spirits often make their presence known.
I guess I use it as a security blankte of sorts - believing that my father is with me and watching over me. Others would say it's a bit absurd, but once they go through the loss, uncertainty and loneliness then they may begin to comprehend what I mean.
I talk to him sometimes, as if he were sitting with me... some may find this crazy, but it's something I have done since I was a child. I don't always talk aloud, but often I do. When visiting his and Carl's graves I always talk aloud, about what's going on in my life since the last time I stopped and anything I could use some help with. Oddly enough I used to make countless trips the their gravesites in high school when having troubles with friends and school in general.
I used to be super jealous of my brother and handful of cousins... they've all had near death experiences (not why I am jealous!), but during said experiences they have all had an act of a higher being obviously saving their asses... one being dad. I guess it made me jealous because they all had more time with him when he was on Earth, and since then he has been present in their lives and I was never 100 per cent certain he was still around me.
There have been a handful of reassurances I have had over the years, but the most recent takes the cake, and when I told my mom this one she was floored...
Just some back story before I tell this, my dad was an avid hunter and fisher. Hunting was like a lifestyle for him and his brothers and friends. On his headstone there is a deer, and we still have two of his deerheads and photos of all the deer he had shot....
It was the 20th anniversary of my father's death, or very close to there... so I made my treck to the cemetary, and as I walked down the row to Dad and Carl's graves I was talking away. Saying how much I missed them, wished they were here, and that there was something I wish I could share with dad. So I was chatting, keep in mind it's me in a cemetary alone, no one else is there, nothing else is there... nothing living anyway... And so I proceeded to tell my dad that I had met someone, not just any someone, but I was pretty sure that I had found 'the one' and that I wished he was here so I could talk to him about it, and so he could meet Jordan... so I could know what my dad thought... but then I finished saying I knew that if I was sure enough of something then either way I knew my dad would be happy for me and proud all at the same time... So I walked back to my car got in and began to drive down the path to turn around and leave the cemetary.... but as I looked up, there stood a young fawn, still with spots (a baby deer aka bambi)... and that's when I was reassured that my dad is with me, my dad is watching over me and that he is proud of the decisions I have come to....
But that's my interpretation of it...I know there are some people who would just say that it was a baby deer lost...
When you lose someone close to you many people need something to hold onto and since I lost my dad I have constantly been looking for signs that he is with me or watching over me. Some people may say that that is a bit desperate or whatever, but that's their opinion.
In highschool Vanissa and I would go for long walks, and a bunch of us would go for a cruise, and there was always a light that would go out as we drove or walked past.... never any others... just odd.. and everytime it did it made me think of my dad - random yes, unbelievable to others.
To this day I am still looking for signs, and some of them have been confirmed by a medium. There's another topic that some find contrevercial... but I didn't bat an eye, I wanted answers, my family doesn't talk so I went searching on my own.
The medium said that if I ever see inkblots, it's my dad's way of being a trouble maker... she had no idea I was a writer, and that I have tons of inkblots. She confirmed lights going out being a way spirits often make their presence known.
I guess I use it as a security blankte of sorts - believing that my father is with me and watching over me. Others would say it's a bit absurd, but once they go through the loss, uncertainty and loneliness then they may begin to comprehend what I mean.
I talk to him sometimes, as if he were sitting with me... some may find this crazy, but it's something I have done since I was a child. I don't always talk aloud, but often I do. When visiting his and Carl's graves I always talk aloud, about what's going on in my life since the last time I stopped and anything I could use some help with. Oddly enough I used to make countless trips the their gravesites in high school when having troubles with friends and school in general.
I used to be super jealous of my brother and handful of cousins... they've all had near death experiences (not why I am jealous!), but during said experiences they have all had an act of a higher being obviously saving their asses... one being dad. I guess it made me jealous because they all had more time with him when he was on Earth, and since then he has been present in their lives and I was never 100 per cent certain he was still around me.
There have been a handful of reassurances I have had over the years, but the most recent takes the cake, and when I told my mom this one she was floored...
Just some back story before I tell this, my dad was an avid hunter and fisher. Hunting was like a lifestyle for him and his brothers and friends. On his headstone there is a deer, and we still have two of his deerheads and photos of all the deer he had shot....
It was the 20th anniversary of my father's death, or very close to there... so I made my treck to the cemetary, and as I walked down the row to Dad and Carl's graves I was talking away. Saying how much I missed them, wished they were here, and that there was something I wish I could share with dad. So I was chatting, keep in mind it's me in a cemetary alone, no one else is there, nothing else is there... nothing living anyway... And so I proceeded to tell my dad that I had met someone, not just any someone, but I was pretty sure that I had found 'the one' and that I wished he was here so I could talk to him about it, and so he could meet Jordan... so I could know what my dad thought... but then I finished saying I knew that if I was sure enough of something then either way I knew my dad would be happy for me and proud all at the same time... So I walked back to my car got in and began to drive down the path to turn around and leave the cemetary.... but as I looked up, there stood a young fawn, still with spots (a baby deer aka bambi)... and that's when I was reassured that my dad is with me, my dad is watching over me and that he is proud of the decisions I have come to....
But that's my interpretation of it...I know there are some people who would just say that it was a baby deer lost...
Monday, October 12, 2009
jeal⋅ous⋅y
So I started this the other night, and then decided against posting it, but BLOGGER saved it so I reread it, and decided to post it anyways... even though it makes me seem petty and well, rather jealous! I am fine with how things are going, and I realize that it was my decision to move away, but I don't always like the concequences of my decisions...
jeal⋅ous⋅y
[jel-uh-see]
–noun, plural -ous⋅ies for 4.
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
Yup, I am normal... just like everyone else I get jealous. Sometimes, as many of you know, over the most stupid of things... Jealousy is one thing I hate most. I hate being 'that girl'.
Not only am I jealous, but paranoid... jealous of the people who have 'replaced' me in relationships with old friends.... paranoid that current friends will do the same.
My biggest jealousy factor right now is another girl... but not the way you're all thinking. It's someone that my mother and family keep looking to for help with things that I should be doing and have done in the past.
I love said person to death, but at the same time would like to squash her like a bug. I got over the fact that said individual babysits my nephews now, and spends more time with them than I do... and I am paraoid that they will love her more that me. But I have dealt with that, I am the one that chose to move - therefore I need to deal with the concequences of my decisions... right?!
That's when my mom started to ask her to do things that I used to do, and things that mean a lot to me. I was offended beyond belief when my mother gave her money and asked her to place flowers on my father's grave and my brother's grave. 1) said individual never knew my father or Carl and does not know much about them 2) she always acts she knows all about them and 3) he's my father and my brother.
What bothers me most is that she has no issues flaunting all of this or tossing it back in my face that she is spending time with my family and doing all the things that I used to do... but it's all ok because she's doing a better job.
What also really gets to me is that my family is replacing me... not completely... but by getting her to do the things I used to ALWAYS do, I feel like I am being replaced... and if she is doing all of this, then what is left for me?
jeal⋅ous⋅y
[jel-uh-see]
–noun, plural -ous⋅ies for 4.
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
Yup, I am normal... just like everyone else I get jealous. Sometimes, as many of you know, over the most stupid of things... Jealousy is one thing I hate most. I hate being 'that girl'.
Not only am I jealous, but paranoid... jealous of the people who have 'replaced' me in relationships with old friends.... paranoid that current friends will do the same.
My biggest jealousy factor right now is another girl... but not the way you're all thinking. It's someone that my mother and family keep looking to for help with things that I should be doing and have done in the past.
I love said person to death, but at the same time would like to squash her like a bug. I got over the fact that said individual babysits my nephews now, and spends more time with them than I do... and I am paraoid that they will love her more that me. But I have dealt with that, I am the one that chose to move - therefore I need to deal with the concequences of my decisions... right?!
That's when my mom started to ask her to do things that I used to do, and things that mean a lot to me. I was offended beyond belief when my mother gave her money and asked her to place flowers on my father's grave and my brother's grave. 1) said individual never knew my father or Carl and does not know much about them 2) she always acts she knows all about them and 3) he's my father and my brother.
What bothers me most is that she has no issues flaunting all of this or tossing it back in my face that she is spending time with my family and doing all the things that I used to do... but it's all ok because she's doing a better job.
What also really gets to me is that my family is replacing me... not completely... but by getting her to do the things I used to ALWAYS do, I feel like I am being replaced... and if she is doing all of this, then what is left for me?
The art of giving thanks...
thanks⋅giv⋅ing[thangks-giv-ing]
–noun 1. the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors.
Thanksgiving is by far my most favourite holiday of them all... it has yet to be overdone by the media or hyped up and commercialized. It is a chance for families and friends to gather and be thankful for what they have in their lives.But do we really need to set one day aside every year to show our thanks? Shouldn't we show thanks when thanks is due?
Shouldn't it be a constant factor in our everyday lives?I know I try my best to show thanks when I know it is needed. I am so very thankful for the important people in my life (friends and family). They are my pillars, they keep me going when the times get tough and I am ready to give up.
It wouldn't be fair for me to let a year go by without showing thanks to those important people.The list of important people in my life has changed over the years, but that doesn’t mean that I am less thankful to the people who were there along the way back then. I am still thankful to the people I was close with in high school, overseas, college and the post college days... even though most of them no longer play a large roll in my life, because at one point they did... friends have a tendency to come and go... but I am very grateful and thankful for the handful of them that have stayed over the years because I truly believe that I would be lost without them.
So I think each and every one of us needs to make a more conscious effort to show thanks to the people that
Over the past year, I have had plenty to be thankful for, and most of it comes back to the friends I talked about earlier. It has been a year since I ended the worst relationship of my life, and I am proud I finally found my feet and walked away when I did, and I only did it because I had the friends backing me up. It wasn't easy and lead to a tough couple of months... but during those couple of months I had my friends when I needed them the most.
When my hours were cut at work, I had the same group of friends to cry to and vent to.
When my heart was stomped on again and again, I had the same people to turn to.
When my grandmother died, and I realized that I wasn't heartless, and that she wasn't heartless and that we both really did love eachother... I had the friends to turn to, and they came through in amazing measures. I didn't think it would be that tough to lose her, but the friends made it more bearable.
When the crazy I had walked away from in October returned, and I had to change my phone... the same people were there reminding me although my reaction may have seemed a bit extreme, it got my point across.
When I nearly had to back out of an important event because I was beyond broke because I had loaned out too much of my own money, I had two amazing friends offer support.
When I met the love of my life, it was the same group of friends to share the news with.
When I got accepted to school, and my student loans came through I had the friends and family to share the exciting news with (even if they didn't want to see me leave).
When I had to move, I had friends help me pack, move and reassure me even though it wasn't easy - it was the right move to make.
And in between and after all of that there have been tough days, and grouchy days, and good days and happy days, and confusing days and indecisive days.... and through all of those days - I have had the same group of friends and family cheering me on, helping me out, listening and offering advice when needed... and for that, I am truly grateful and beyond thankful for... if only there were a way to explain how far the thanks and gratefulness goes...
–noun 1. the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors.
Thanksgiving is by far my most favourite holiday of them all... it has yet to be overdone by the media or hyped up and commercialized. It is a chance for families and friends to gather and be thankful for what they have in their lives.But do we really need to set one day aside every year to show our thanks? Shouldn't we show thanks when thanks is due?
Shouldn't it be a constant factor in our everyday lives?I know I try my best to show thanks when I know it is needed. I am so very thankful for the important people in my life (friends and family). They are my pillars, they keep me going when the times get tough and I am ready to give up.
It wouldn't be fair for me to let a year go by without showing thanks to those important people.The list of important people in my life has changed over the years, but that doesn’t mean that I am less thankful to the people who were there along the way back then. I am still thankful to the people I was close with in high school, overseas, college and the post college days... even though most of them no longer play a large roll in my life, because at one point they did... friends have a tendency to come and go... but I am very grateful and thankful for the handful of them that have stayed over the years because I truly believe that I would be lost without them.
So I think each and every one of us needs to make a more conscious effort to show thanks to the people that
Over the past year, I have had plenty to be thankful for, and most of it comes back to the friends I talked about earlier. It has been a year since I ended the worst relationship of my life, and I am proud I finally found my feet and walked away when I did, and I only did it because I had the friends backing me up. It wasn't easy and lead to a tough couple of months... but during those couple of months I had my friends when I needed them the most.
When my hours were cut at work, I had the same group of friends to cry to and vent to.
When my heart was stomped on again and again, I had the same people to turn to.
When my grandmother died, and I realized that I wasn't heartless, and that she wasn't heartless and that we both really did love eachother... I had the friends to turn to, and they came through in amazing measures. I didn't think it would be that tough to lose her, but the friends made it more bearable.
When the crazy I had walked away from in October returned, and I had to change my phone... the same people were there reminding me although my reaction may have seemed a bit extreme, it got my point across.
When I nearly had to back out of an important event because I was beyond broke because I had loaned out too much of my own money, I had two amazing friends offer support.
When I met the love of my life, it was the same group of friends to share the news with.
When I got accepted to school, and my student loans came through I had the friends and family to share the exciting news with (even if they didn't want to see me leave).
When I had to move, I had friends help me pack, move and reassure me even though it wasn't easy - it was the right move to make.
And in between and after all of that there have been tough days, and grouchy days, and good days and happy days, and confusing days and indecisive days.... and through all of those days - I have had the same group of friends and family cheering me on, helping me out, listening and offering advice when needed... and for that, I am truly grateful and beyond thankful for... if only there were a way to explain how far the thanks and gratefulness goes...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
ACK! Procrastination has struck yet again! I really should be finishing up my French presentation, it's nearly done...then I just have to practice a bunch of times and colour a picture of Snow White and print off photos of the dwarfs... all because Walmart didn't have stupid figurines of them... only two of them!
I got side tracked talking to a friend on facebook... but it was a good thing. She complimented me on my writing, which is always an amazing thing to hear.
Needless to say I have had some issues settling in RD and with school... but I am slowly adjusting and getting used to it all. It's just tough, and yes I know life is tough... trust me, I know life isn't a cake walk, and I never take the easy route...
Sometimes in our darkest hours we are reminded of the amazing friends and family we have in our lives. My friends are an amazing group of people as are most of my family members. My friends have become my family. I am closer to most of my friends than I am with almost any of my family members. They have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and when I needed advice.... or to just chill and hang out... when sometimes my family members fall short. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking my family, because I love them dearly.
I would be completely lost without my friends, seriously the visits from Calgary and Stettler, the long distance phone calls (at all hours of the day and night...), the endless texts, emails and facebook messages have really helped me.
I seriously pray to every higher being (god, godess, budda... what have you) that my bad luck has run dry, because I have had enough of stupid shit go wrong, and just need stuff to start going my way!!
I just have to remind myself, why I am doing what I have decided to do, and that I do have a support system... even if they are hundreds or thousands of kilometers away.
I could totally go on and on... but for now, I have to go finish writing about Snow White and her seven friends...
I got side tracked talking to a friend on facebook... but it was a good thing. She complimented me on my writing, which is always an amazing thing to hear.
Needless to say I have had some issues settling in RD and with school... but I am slowly adjusting and getting used to it all. It's just tough, and yes I know life is tough... trust me, I know life isn't a cake walk, and I never take the easy route...
Sometimes in our darkest hours we are reminded of the amazing friends and family we have in our lives. My friends are an amazing group of people as are most of my family members. My friends have become my family. I am closer to most of my friends than I am with almost any of my family members. They have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and when I needed advice.... or to just chill and hang out... when sometimes my family members fall short. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking my family, because I love them dearly.
I would be completely lost without my friends, seriously the visits from Calgary and Stettler, the long distance phone calls (at all hours of the day and night...), the endless texts, emails and facebook messages have really helped me.
I seriously pray to every higher being (god, godess, budda... what have you) that my bad luck has run dry, because I have had enough of stupid shit go wrong, and just need stuff to start going my way!!
I just have to remind myself, why I am doing what I have decided to do, and that I do have a support system... even if they are hundreds or thousands of kilometers away.
I could totally go on and on... but for now, I have to go finish writing about Snow White and her seven friends...
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