I have Fibromyalgia, I was diagnosed two weeks before my 20th birthday. I have been on an assortment of drugs, but have decided to go it without drugs. It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t sleep well because of it… but I don’t want to be dependent on drugs.
I’ve tried to explain to the important people in my life what fibromyalgia is, but I fail. So instead I am copying it from a site I used to be a member of www.fibrohugs.org
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Fibromyalgia pain isn't all in patients' heads, new brain study finds. Click here
Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) is often called the "invisible disease," because outwardly, we may look perfectly healthy. Inside though, we may have intense pain throughout our bodies, we may be constantly fatigued and weak, we may be dizzy, confused, lacking sleep, suffering digestive disorders, and generally living a poor quality of life. There is no known cure for Fibromyalgia, but there are ways to treat the symptoms, to improve that quality of life.
FMS is a type of neurotransmitter disorder, in which the pain-signals that our brains receive are intensified, and our muscles do not get the healing nutrients they need. The current diagnosis is usually made by a Rheumatologist who will find 11, or more, "Tender Points" on your body.
This site is enormous when it comes to the accumulation of information and knowledge, but is small and cozy when it comes to the personal contact with new friends that suffer the same effects of Fibromyalgia, like you. Come here for gentle hugs, tough love, self-help information, and lifelong friendships. Relax and enjoy.
If you have a loved one that suffers like we do and you can not understand how they feel, please read "A Letter To Normal's". http://www.fibrohugs.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=10573&Itemid=239
Your loved one is fighting a ferocious inner battle so please give them the support they need, for support and love are a medicine that will never be conjured up in a lab.
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The letter pertains to someone who has more flare-ups and worse pain than I do, but it is the closest thing I have come across to helping people understand.
It is true that I have always doubted the doctors, that my friends is denial. I know I have fibromyalgia, I just don’t want to admit it. I knew it after the doctors (yes I have had four different doctors come to the same diagnoses) each having done the ‘tender point’ pressure test, and having me wince in pain, flinch or say yes that hurts to at minimum 16 of the 18… I realized it wasn’t a crock of shit.
I can trace it as far back as junior high when I had super bad knee pain… a lot of the other pain was around, but I ignored it, and thought it was growing pains.
After more recently looking at the list of 63 common symptoms, and having checked off many of them myself, I was reminded that the doctors aren’t quacks, and I need to accept the fact that I do indeed have FMS.
My biggest issues are the headaches, constant pain and fatigue. It’s not that I don’t sleep, I do at minimum six to ten hours a night. But I rarely reach stage 4 restorative sleep.
I hope this helps you understand that I am not tired because I am pulling all nighters, or making my pain up. I try to keep it on the down-low because I don’t want extra attention, I just want those close to me to understand that there are reasons for the way I feel. I can handle a lot of pain, and always have been, so for me to say I hurt, it means that I really effing hurt.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
a look back...
I just spent the past two hours reading over my old blogs, mainly from second year at SAIT and up to 2007ish. I forgot a lot of stuff that had happened, some of the shit I had to deal with and some of the friendships I have lost since then.
It was nice to read over it, but now I wish I could go back in time and hang on to a couple of those friendships, just so I could have those people in my life now. I know things happen for a reason, but I still miss those certain few, or wish we were still tight.
I also realized that my style of writing changes, and it's kind of interesting. I came across some blogs that impressed me, because I didn't think I could write like that and it made me miss writing... I will make a note to try to do it a little more often.
It also made me realize I am the same now, as I was then. I'd stop blogging when things were going on or I was having a tough time with things, and then when it had all passed I'd return, blog about it and all would be fine.
I'm going through one of those times right now, and I know there's a select few of you who read this on a regular basis and you've been asking for more, I just don't have much to give right now. What I do have to give I don't want to because I don't want to whine or sound all depressed. I just want it all to work itself out and go back to normal.
I know it will all work out, if that's how it's meant to be, but sometimes I just get impatient and stressed. I have taken measures to make sure that in the future it doesn't happen again.
That's all for now, I will try to come up with something to write in the near future...
It was nice to read over it, but now I wish I could go back in time and hang on to a couple of those friendships, just so I could have those people in my life now. I know things happen for a reason, but I still miss those certain few, or wish we were still tight.
I also realized that my style of writing changes, and it's kind of interesting. I came across some blogs that impressed me, because I didn't think I could write like that and it made me miss writing... I will make a note to try to do it a little more often.
It also made me realize I am the same now, as I was then. I'd stop blogging when things were going on or I was having a tough time with things, and then when it had all passed I'd return, blog about it and all would be fine.
I'm going through one of those times right now, and I know there's a select few of you who read this on a regular basis and you've been asking for more, I just don't have much to give right now. What I do have to give I don't want to because I don't want to whine or sound all depressed. I just want it all to work itself out and go back to normal.
I know it will all work out, if that's how it's meant to be, but sometimes I just get impatient and stressed. I have taken measures to make sure that in the future it doesn't happen again.
That's all for now, I will try to come up with something to write in the near future...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
belief
I am putting off my essay yet again, well kind of, I am working on it... but I had an urge to blog instead! I have had an emotional weekend, but it has been an amazing, inspiring and a bit of a relief. I was not in a good mood and had had a stressful week when I arrived home.
That was dashed when I met up with two old friends whom I haven't had a chance to spend much time with lately. I had an amazing time out chatting, visiting, catching up and gossiping. It felt nice to be able to go out with friends and just have fun.
Saturday I spent the afternoon with my cousin and we had a great time. It was nice to catch up with her and talk about life, the past and what we hope for the future. It is always refreshing to hang out with her. We went window shopping and found some really cool stuff with thought provoking sayings on them. One that stuck with me was 'Faith makes things possible... not easy.' I liked it then, but I guess it didn't hit me or make as much sense to me at the time.
I had promised mom that I would go to church with her this morning, so we went. I am not a fan of the new minister, she's just not as cool as Dave was and is too preachy and borderline super weird. But it was coffee time after church when I was visiting with some of the ladies and they told me I just had to have faith in myself and everything will fall into place. I had a good chat with Pam about it after and she only echoed what the others had said. They both told me that they have faith that things would work out, but I guess somewhere along the way I had lost faith in myself. I had stopped believing and had become to doubt myself. If you don't have faith in yourself or believe in yourself how can you expect to be successful or acheive what you are working towards?
So church today was a needed awakening for me, I needed it, I needed to be reminded that things are on track for me, things are going well and to have faith in myself and keep on going.
We are all dealt with a hand, and how we play that hand is up to us, some of us have better luck while others have to work harder to make things work out. Nothing is easy, but you can't give up or give in, which is sometimes very tempting and easy to do.
I guess I forget that I have people rooting me on, or people that believe in me and lose hope. How can I, of all people lose hope, stop believing and stop dreaming.... I have those freaken words permantly tattooed on my body.
Everything happens for a reason... I am a firm believer in that, sometimes finding that hidden reason takes years, sometimes we never find the reason, but chances are we have become stronger person and have learned more about ourselves, the person we are or the world around us.
Pam reassured me that I have found what is right for me, and that she is proud of me for taking a chance and going back to school. She is like a second mom to be and has always been an important person in my life, so to hear that from her was important, and came at a great time.
That was dashed when I met up with two old friends whom I haven't had a chance to spend much time with lately. I had an amazing time out chatting, visiting, catching up and gossiping. It felt nice to be able to go out with friends and just have fun.
Saturday I spent the afternoon with my cousin and we had a great time. It was nice to catch up with her and talk about life, the past and what we hope for the future. It is always refreshing to hang out with her. We went window shopping and found some really cool stuff with thought provoking sayings on them. One that stuck with me was 'Faith makes things possible... not easy.' I liked it then, but I guess it didn't hit me or make as much sense to me at the time.
I had promised mom that I would go to church with her this morning, so we went. I am not a fan of the new minister, she's just not as cool as Dave was and is too preachy and borderline super weird. But it was coffee time after church when I was visiting with some of the ladies and they told me I just had to have faith in myself and everything will fall into place. I had a good chat with Pam about it after and she only echoed what the others had said. They both told me that they have faith that things would work out, but I guess somewhere along the way I had lost faith in myself. I had stopped believing and had become to doubt myself. If you don't have faith in yourself or believe in yourself how can you expect to be successful or acheive what you are working towards?
So church today was a needed awakening for me, I needed it, I needed to be reminded that things are on track for me, things are going well and to have faith in myself and keep on going.
We are all dealt with a hand, and how we play that hand is up to us, some of us have better luck while others have to work harder to make things work out. Nothing is easy, but you can't give up or give in, which is sometimes very tempting and easy to do.
I guess I forget that I have people rooting me on, or people that believe in me and lose hope. How can I, of all people lose hope, stop believing and stop dreaming.... I have those freaken words permantly tattooed on my body.
Everything happens for a reason... I am a firm believer in that, sometimes finding that hidden reason takes years, sometimes we never find the reason, but chances are we have become stronger person and have learned more about ourselves, the person we are or the world around us.
Pam reassured me that I have found what is right for me, and that she is proud of me for taking a chance and going back to school. She is like a second mom to be and has always been an important person in my life, so to hear that from her was important, and came at a great time.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
break time
I’m taking a hiatus, I am stepping back… some would say I am pulling away. Say what you want to say, believe what you want to believe, it doesn’t make a difference to me. I won’t be on facebook or blogging as much for the next while. I just don’t feel up to it. I am having issues and for some unknown reason facebook is making it worse - and for once, writing doesn’t help… so I say so long for now… who knows how long it will last. Maybe once I get some stuff figured out it will all fall back into place and things will be golden, but for now I am gonna chill. If you need to get a hold of me, chances are you have other methods of reaching me…
Monday, November 16, 2009
... notes schmotes...
So I started this one in English class in my English notebook, and finished later
Half of my English class is missing, there's supposed to be around 40 of us, and the class is pretty empty. I must admit that I would joined the pack, but I had to come back to the school to hand in a bursary application.
I wanted to stay home and sleep or work on one of my essays that are due soon, or study for my midterm this week or start reviewing for finals... anything but come to this class in the horrible mood I was in.
Somehow that horrible mood disappeared when I walked into class though, we're talking about grammar... so Laura probably thinks I am taking notes like the rest of the class, but I have this stuff down to an art. I have answered most questions until I realized I was becoming the annoying know-it-all so I canned it for a bit and let my nerdy classmates take over for a bit.
Andrea and I made supper together tonight... banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon! It was pretty tasty.
Now I am obviously working on my English essay... clearly can't you tell?! I am starting it as soon as I hit publish!!
Unfortunatley I don't always have grammar to cure my horrible moods... so I ask you to bear with me if I get that way in the near future, we're gearing up for my least favourite time of the year. I am trying to stay positive this year, and hope that that might make it easier to glide through.... Ihope it works, I really do. Either that or I hope I can keep myself busy enough that I won't even have time to think of the things that make Christmas suck....
Half of my English class is missing, there's supposed to be around 40 of us, and the class is pretty empty. I must admit that I would joined the pack, but I had to come back to the school to hand in a bursary application.
I wanted to stay home and sleep or work on one of my essays that are due soon, or study for my midterm this week or start reviewing for finals... anything but come to this class in the horrible mood I was in.
Somehow that horrible mood disappeared when I walked into class though, we're talking about grammar... so Laura probably thinks I am taking notes like the rest of the class, but I have this stuff down to an art. I have answered most questions until I realized I was becoming the annoying know-it-all so I canned it for a bit and let my nerdy classmates take over for a bit.
Andrea and I made supper together tonight... banana chocolate chip pancakes and bacon! It was pretty tasty.
Now I am obviously working on my English essay... clearly can't you tell?! I am starting it as soon as I hit publish!!
Unfortunatley I don't always have grammar to cure my horrible moods... so I ask you to bear with me if I get that way in the near future, we're gearing up for my least favourite time of the year. I am trying to stay positive this year, and hope that that might make it easier to glide through.... Ihope it works, I really do. Either that or I hope I can keep myself busy enough that I won't even have time to think of the things that make Christmas suck....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
the good things...
Although I am super bummed that Jordan has now landed in Winnipeg again, I am super happy we had a good weekend together.
To top it off I found out that one of my friends from junior high and high school is moving back to Alberta with her family in tow! That means that I will have one more friend kind of closeby... I am sooo excited!! She's a pretty amazing woman, and has an extremely cute daughter!! I am looking forward to spending more time with her and Echo in the near future!
I am also enjoying spending time with the black furball that is currently snoring and curled up at the end of my bed. Although he can be a bit of a spaz sometimes, and reallllly stinks, he's handy to have around especially when you're not in a great mood.
I am looking forward to spending time with my family this week, I am going to my aunt's on Tuesday to babyst so I will get some time in there and then to mom's later in the week. Might surprise the nephews with a quick visit while I am home.
I certainly hope I have a job lined up for the very near future, because I certainly need the money!!
To top it off I found out that one of my friends from junior high and high school is moving back to Alberta with her family in tow! That means that I will have one more friend kind of closeby... I am sooo excited!! She's a pretty amazing woman, and has an extremely cute daughter!! I am looking forward to spending more time with her and Echo in the near future!
I am also enjoying spending time with the black furball that is currently snoring and curled up at the end of my bed. Although he can be a bit of a spaz sometimes, and reallllly stinks, he's handy to have around especially when you're not in a great mood.
I am looking forward to spending time with my family this week, I am going to my aunt's on Tuesday to babyst so I will get some time in there and then to mom's later in the week. Might surprise the nephews with a quick visit while I am home.
I certainly hope I have a job lined up for the very near future, because I certainly need the money!!
the equation of it all...
I am not one for numbers but considering there was a total of 2902km driven which took an approximate 25 hours in one weekend to spend 36 hours with someone, give up your cat, go see a movie, out for lunch, grocery shopping and help set up the Christmas tree... that spells out something special if I do say so myself....
Although I think he is crazy for doing it, I was very surprised (and shocked that Andrea and everyone else that was in the know were able to keep quiet!) and we had a pretty amazing time and I gained a four legged friend out of the deal... who scared the crap out of me when I found him in the dryer when I went to get my clean laundry... he was just having a cat nap... both Andrea and I thought we had lost Salem... couldn't find him anywhere!
And even though we only had 26 hours together, it was better than the alternative of 0 hours together!!
Like I said I am not one for numbers, I despise them with a firey passion... but this is one equation I am liking the outcome of...
Although I think he is crazy for doing it, I was very surprised (and shocked that Andrea and everyone else that was in the know were able to keep quiet!) and we had a pretty amazing time and I gained a four legged friend out of the deal... who scared the crap out of me when I found him in the dryer when I went to get my clean laundry... he was just having a cat nap... both Andrea and I thought we had lost Salem... couldn't find him anywhere!
And even though we only had 26 hours together, it was better than the alternative of 0 hours together!!
Like I said I am not one for numbers, I despise them with a firey passion... but this is one equation I am liking the outcome of...
sometimes...
I am torn I guess. I keep thinking. I guess sometimes an off switch on one’s brain would be a handy thing.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to actually become a teacher.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth finishing school, or if I should just go back to work.
Sometimes I wish I could just chill, and go with the flow. Now I sound like I am a hippie… I haven’t blogged in a while. I have had some issues, and didn’t feel like blogging if I was going to end up whining or complaining the whole time. No one likes to read that.
Sometimes I wish my dad was here, just to talk to or get some handy input. Yeah, now you’re like well… you’ve got an older brother… who’s basically useless to me when it comes to things like that… he’s good when I want to be yelled at or anything along those lines.
Sometimes I wish I were still at home with my mom, yes I miss my mom.She’s one of my best friends and I hate being away from her.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends (or any friends) in Red Deer, it gets lonely.
Sometimes I wish Saskatchewan didn’t exist so that Manitoba would be closer.
Sometimes I wish certain people would go away…not die… just disappear from my life.
Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because of certain stress factors.
Sometimes I wish four years weren’t so freaken long…
But then….
I realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and just talking to him can calm me.
I realize that I want to be a teacher, and have since I was a child and that I will make one helluva good teacher.
I realize that staying in school is cool and that teaching is a better career than the alternatives.
I realize that my friends are amazing individuals who go far beyond expectations.
I realize that four-legged friends are as good as humans… and less opinionated.
I realize that it will all be worth it in the end.
I realize that everything happens for a reason.
I realize that everything could be a lot worse.
I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and count my blessings.
I realize that, although my dad is not alive, he will always be with me…
I realize that distance doesn’t hinder a relationship but indeed makes it stronger.
I realize that those certain people add a bit of flavour and flare to life.
So the solution to the equation is to take a deep breath, count to ten, be thankful for what you have and take a step forward into the unknown. If it is meant to be, it will be. Everything will work out in the end if that is the way it is destined.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to actually become a teacher.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth finishing school, or if I should just go back to work.
Sometimes I wish I could just chill, and go with the flow. Now I sound like I am a hippie… I haven’t blogged in a while. I have had some issues, and didn’t feel like blogging if I was going to end up whining or complaining the whole time. No one likes to read that.
Sometimes I wish my dad was here, just to talk to or get some handy input. Yeah, now you’re like well… you’ve got an older brother… who’s basically useless to me when it comes to things like that… he’s good when I want to be yelled at or anything along those lines.
Sometimes I wish I were still at home with my mom, yes I miss my mom.She’s one of my best friends and I hate being away from her.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends (or any friends) in Red Deer, it gets lonely.
Sometimes I wish Saskatchewan didn’t exist so that Manitoba would be closer.
Sometimes I wish certain people would go away…not die… just disappear from my life.
Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating because of certain stress factors.
Sometimes I wish four years weren’t so freaken long…
But then….
I realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and just talking to him can calm me.
I realize that I want to be a teacher, and have since I was a child and that I will make one helluva good teacher.
I realize that staying in school is cool and that teaching is a better career than the alternatives.
I realize that my friends are amazing individuals who go far beyond expectations.
I realize that four-legged friends are as good as humans… and less opinionated.
I realize that it will all be worth it in the end.
I realize that everything happens for a reason.
I realize that everything could be a lot worse.
I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and count my blessings.
I realize that, although my dad is not alive, he will always be with me…
I realize that distance doesn’t hinder a relationship but indeed makes it stronger.
I realize that those certain people add a bit of flavour and flare to life.
So the solution to the equation is to take a deep breath, count to ten, be thankful for what you have and take a step forward into the unknown. If it is meant to be, it will be. Everything will work out in the end if that is the way it is destined.
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