Ok so I know I complain about my family a lot, and most of you think I am exaggerating... until you meet my family and you realize if anything I downplay things and underexaggerate. I love my family, yes I do, more than anything and sometimes don't highlight the amazing and helpful things they do... but it's tough sometimes when the shitty parts outweigh the good stuff. However you will never hear any negative things about my mother come out of my mouth, she's my rock, she's the one and only one that is there time after time after time... she's my stability, she's my hope, she's my guiding light, she's my mother, my father and my best friend.
Christmas dinner is at my Aunty Lynne’s house… and I have to be careful what I write, because for all I know some of my family could read this…. Right Adrianne, wishful thinking. I know SW does, but she’s on the other side of the family, and far enough removed that I can trust she won’t go tattling! Anyways Christmas dinner… at Lynne’s… and I sooo don’t want to go… for complicated reasons. BUT if I don’t go it just adds to my grandmother’s dislike of me, and will lead to more angry hurtful things said about me… but I just want to spend time with my mother. Spending time with them is stressful, they’re judgmental and hurtful. I mean, I know I am not perfect, nor are any of my cousins, but my grandmother treats me unfairly compared to the rest of them. For some reason she has it in her head that I am the bad one… if you were to compare me to my brother (which most people do, for the wrong reasons), you would see I am far from being a bad person!
Another reason I dislike the holidays, is potential drama and fights with my lovely brother. I love him, I really do, but I have given up trying to like him, trying to please him and trying to make him love me. He knows it. I have backed off, and I have paid for it. But it’s easier than the fighting. It gets ugly. Which is sad, because he’s an important part of my life. I don’t know if it bothers me or mom more… she raised us the same, and we turned out so differently. At the same time we’re so much alike, we’re stubborn and motivated and driven… but sometimes he forgets that there are others and that those other people have feelings, wants and desires. I know deep down he loves me, and that somewhere in his soul he cares… but it would be nice if he showed it once and again.
I have hardly seen my nephews since September… before then I had them at least once or twice a week… and I loved it. They’re my boys. Austin doesn’t even recognize my voice anymore and passed up spending an afternoon with me, which broke my heart a bit! They are the reason I keep the peace with my brother, because I want to be a part of their lives.
So I guess I was spared the difficulty of having to attend a Shepherd Christmas… once again no invite was passed my way. Even after Grandma has passed they’re still too self absorbed to realize that their brother had a daughter too… In 20 years I have been invited to two… maybe three of their Christmases. Not like I really expected one, I mean they won’t even talk to me about my own father, why would they invite me to a Christmas?! Ten bucks says my brother was invited… he fits in… he hunts, fishes, drinks and has the same attitude. I however took after my mom, which didn’t float well with them.
Wow this blog is all over the place, not always the most happy, I find the holidays stressful… I just want to spend time with those who are important in my life, the ones I love, the ones that love me and the ones that don’t cause drama… but sometimes a little sacrifice is needed… even if it is painful!
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