... it's been a while...

It's the small things that matter. It's those things that make the difference. It's those things that people remember.

I've moved a lot in the past 7 years. I have lost contact with a lot of friends, sometimes I find myself wondering what those people are up to. The other day I received a random message on facebook from one of those friends. We were close, she helped me through some tough times and I helped her through one tough time that was life altering. But that one tough time changed our relationship and changed who we were and we lost touch.

Needless to say that one tough time resulted in an amazing blessing and a cute baby. Her and her son are now living in New Brunswick which is where she grew up and where most of her family is. The message was simple, she thinks of me often, wants to get together when she gets back and that kind of stuff.

My excess extra time lately has allowed me to catch up with and touch base with some friends that I hadn't talked to in forever. So while I may be extremely bored sitting at home with a dog and cat and no cable - I have had some enjoyable moments.

I start work a week today - I can't wait to make some money so I can join a gym or something so I can network and meet people.

My goal for today is to work on my Dad book, make rice crispy squares, do laundry and send a few messages to friends I haven't talked to in a while.

... what now...

After a over a week of frantic reviewing, rewriting, studying and cramming I am left sitting in an empty house with not a lot to do. My room is pretty empty except for my clothes - which I am about to pack.

I spent the afternoon watching season five of Weeds. I haven't seen the first four seasons, but that is on my list of things to do now.

I looked for jobs in Edmonton but I am running out of decent paying ones to apply for. I was hoping to actually be able to save and get ahead of the game this summer but it looks like it will be another summer of just making it - which is slightly depressing in its self.

I'm scared to move to Edmonton without a job, I don't want to have to do retail. It's the last thing on this earth I want to do. But it looks like that might be where I end up. I am just so frustrated. I started applying for jobs at the beginning of March and I have applied for over thirty of them.

I am excited to be done school for the summer but sad at the same time because now I have nothing to do and I won't see my friends for who knows how long. Janvier is leaving for Africa/Australia/Europe next week, Jessie's off to her boyfriends, Trista and Cassie are chilling around Red Deer for the summer. Andrea has been busy for the past however long. I have said all my goodbyes except Andrea. That will happen this weekend likely.

I found a dress I like, I am meeting with Andrea tomorrow to get her opinion on it. It's on sale and CHEAP and I need one to wear to the weddings I have to go to this summer.

I am off to do laundry, pack my clothes and start cleaning AND I think I might go to bed early tonight to get a decent sleep!!

... more than that ...

After my last post I have had a couple of concerned texts and calls. I realize I have accomplished "stuff" but it's not to the extent I had hoped. I guess it is just hard for me to realize that some of my accomplishments are meaningful and that they do matter. I don't see them as big things, but others do.

Why is it that I am so hard on myself but I have no issues recognizing the small and the big accomplishments everyone else makes?

You're right obviously if I hadn't accomplished anything meaningful - my portfolio wouldn't be as thick as it is. You were also right when you said I needed to chill and reflect in a more positive light. You were also right when you said I could not realize my accomplishments because of where I was at when I wrote that...

So yes, I have accomplished things. Sometimes I just let my failed attempts at things cloud my judgement...

... what have I done ...

In under two months I will turn 25. Yes it is frightening. I will be a quarter of a century old. And I haven't accomplished a lot in those 25 years. I had high hopes for myself in high school. I thought by the time I was 25 I would be so much farther ahead in life and would have had things figured out and accomplished... I was naive.

This is what I thought I would have completed by the time I turned 25:
- University degree
- Have a teaching job
- Started to save
- Travelled more
- Married
- Started a family

Seriously though this is like a third of my life and I haven't accomplished anything great like I had thought I would. It means the bar has been raised for the next portion.

This year will be much like last - there won't be any celebrating. I don't think there's much to celebrate. I am not saying my life has been a waste, cause I know that is far from the truth. It's just in the past seven years I haven't quite kept up to the standards I had earlier and when looking back and completing my portfolio I seem like less of a useful person in society. I didn't celebrate last year because you all forgot about me and made other plans, so why would we celebrate this year?! pshaw - no!! It's just another day... that's what I keep trying to remind myself.

… two words …

I received a text message last night from a good friend. It was a forward. I don’t care for forwards, but it brightened my evening (which wasn’t a chipper one)… so I figured I would kind of copy it a bit and send it on…



The forward read “U R beautiful! The guy u love will show u how much he needs u in 2hrs but 1st u must tell ten ladies they are beautiful! <3”



So I sent ten ladies a simple text saying “You’re beautiful!” and from the responses I got I decided to send it to all of the important ladies in my life. It’s crazy when you stop and think how much power two simple words can have on the outcome of someone’s evening. It was a small action, but it changed the course of events for at least four of the recipients.



It also let me catch up with some friends I hadn’t talked to in a while and it gave me the opportunity to be there for a friend who recently lost her father. I reminded her to keep her options open, that she has a lot of potential and will do great things and that I have faith in her. I wasn’t doing it to be nice. I was doing it because I actually believe that and because she is a good friend and I don’t think she hears that enough.



I know I often need to be reminded of the small things just to be sure I am on the right path. I know it feels good to know people believe in you, or that people have high hopes for you and that you have people backing you. So if I need to be reminded – why shouldn’t I realize that perhaps my friends are in the same boat and often need the same reassurance?



I used to be a more thoughtful person. I admit I have become a bit selfish and self absorbed. But it happens to all of us from time to time.



I miss my friends and I will miss my Red Deer friends as I move on. Thankfully I won’t be going far – and I will be coming back to visit because I do have some pretty amazing friends here.



Make someone’s day – remind them of why you believe in them or that you think they’re beautiful. Two small words have a great deal of power – use them!

... a relaxing girls weekend ...

I had an amazing weekend with some of the greatest friends ever! Friday night was our 219 pot luck and girls night! We had a grand time! We played LIFE, chatted, ate and just had a good time! I took Janvier and Cassie to the bar, and picked them up and let them crash at my house. I am really going to miss this set of friends. THANKFULLY two if not three of them will be transferring to schools in Edmonton in the next two years so I will still get to see them!




I wasn’t feeling very good on Saturday so I just spent the day in bed reading, watching movies and sleeping. Then I went babysitting. We went fishing in the kitchen sink. We filled one sink with water and bubbles and fish and the other sink with just water. The boy grabbed his fishing rod and went fishing in the bubbles… rinsed the fish off in the water and threw them back in the bubbles. This continued for an hour to the point where we had water all over the kitchen and the boy was soaked head to toe (hair included!). The good thing is he helped clean the water up. We got him changed and ate our macaroni.



Then today I met up with Echo. We bought baby Raleigh some clothes and then went to the Taboo show. Then we went for lunch and visited a lot. It has been months since we caught up so it was a good visit. Then we met up with Jackie another friend from high school and chatted a bit. I am meeting up with Meghan on Friday so I can give her and Raleigh the cute little dress I bought her!! It is fun having a baby girl to buy for!!! There are tooo many boys in my life it’s nice to change it up and buy cute girly things!



So that was my exciting weekend! Now to start the studying again!!

... an update ...

So it has been forever since I blogged. I had lots to blog about I just didn’t know how to write it or really feel like blogging. I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately – just a tiny one. I have had some roommate drama and then both roommates have decided to vacate – with most of the baking utensils and CAN OPENER… my house is too quiet, no tv… boooring.




I was super stressed with my last few EDUC assignments, but I think they went pretty well! I get them all back the day of the exam (a week from tomorrow). The last day of classes is Monday. I nearly had a meltdown in math today. That is the one test I need to study my ass off for… who am I kidding I need to study like crazy for all four. I don’t want anything lower than a B or B-…



I am also working on my math project – it will be called Math Madness. A manual for a complimentary hands-on math program for grade 4! With games, activities, group activities to make it easier for textile and visual learners to learn.



Other than that I have to start studying for exams. Move the rest of my stuff home and get ready to move to Edmonton! I haven’t been accepted to the U of A yet, I haven’t notified the MS Society – I am kind of scared to. I thought I only made a three year commitment to the board but it is actually 6 years. I am done 1.5 years of my term. I will offer to stay and travel back for the five or six meetings each year. I have a job interview on Tuesday in Edmonton. I was kind of offered a position at the shelter for alternating weekends overnights. I said I would love to – told them about Edmonton and said I would still take the position. She said she would let me know soon. I haven’t told my babysitting families, but I will send an e-mail out by Wednesday.



AH! I didn’t realize I was running out of time… the 219 girls will be here in about a half an hour and my surprise chocolate dessert is not ready yet!! I will blog more later!

... autobiography ...

Autobiography: Adrianne Michelle Shepherd


On June 11, 1985 I entered the world. I am the youngest of three children: Adrianne Michelle Shepherd, sister to James Alan (four years older than myself) and Carl Roberts (two years older than me but had passed away prior to my arrival), daughter of Alan (deceased in 1989) and Leigh.

I am an average adult with brown hair and brown eyes. I went to elementary school in Botha, AB; junior high in Gadsby, AB and high school in Stettler, AB. Throughout my primary and secondary school years I was very active in extra-curricular and community activities. It was my way of giving back to the community that had helped raise me. I was an avid Boys and Girls Club member attending many different groups including Keystone, Torch, Spark, Zap, Kidpower, holiday programs and Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was involved on a provincial level as a youth co-chair for the Regional Youth Council for the Boys and Girls Clubs of Alberta and on a national level as the secretary and Alberta representative for the National Youth Council for the Boys and Girls Clubs of Alberta. I belonged to many different 4-H groups including Botha 4-H Multi, Botha Beef, Byemoor Beef and Endmoor Multi. Throughout the different clubs I gave public speaking workshops for younger members, participated in club events including public speaking and judging and I held various executive positions. I was a founding member of the Students Against Drinking and Driving group at Wm. E. Hay. I was the secretary in my first year and president in my remaining years. I coordinated strikes where we would take large signs that said why you shouldn’t drink and drive and stand along the road. I was a member of Team SADD Alberta, which was made up of six SADD members from around Alberta that coordinated the provincial conference. I was a member of my local Canadian Girls In Training group, which is a nondenominational group of girls that met on a weekly basis at my church. I was a member of the Botha United Church Youth Group, I was the vice-president of the Student’s Union and sat on many graduation committees.

Following graduation, I boarded a plane to the Netherlands where I lived for a year and worked as an au pair. I took care of four school aged children. I learned how to speak, read, write and understand Dutch. I travelled around the Netherlands and Europe. During this year I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted from life. While in the Netherlands I wrote for my hometown newspaper the Stettler Independent as a global correspondent. This is when I realized that I wanted to become a journalist.

Upon returning to Canada I had the opportunity to go to SAIT And take journalism or to go to RDC or the University of Lethbridge and take education. I decided upon journalism, it seemed like a more exciting opportunity. I loved the journalism program at SAIT and I excelled in my classes, however upon graduation I found how difficult it was to find a good journalism job and how poorly they paid.

I was working for the Stettler Independent and the chain of local papers it produces when I was sent on an assignment to cover an anti-bullying evening at the Boys and Girls Club. It was this club where I had spent most of my youth and where I learned to belong. It was near the end of the night, when the executive director brought up a story of one of the members from when I was a part of the club. This girl she spoke of was an avid volunteer, very selfless and giving. She was an acquaintance and a bit of a role model for me. The girl was being bullied at school and took her own life because of that. That is when it clicked, I felt like I wasn’t living up to my potential, for myself or for Nicky’s memory. So that night I applied to the U of L and to RDC going back to where I started. I decided that night that I needed to become a teacher.

So here I am, finishing my first year at RDC and transferring to the U of A. In 2013 I hope to graduate among friends and colleagues and to head out into the teaching world and educate and to help students realize that life is far too important and fragile to bully or to take your own life.

I currently volunteer at the college as an ESL tutor, for the MS Society as the coordinator of their youth program and as a board member and for a handful of other youth related activities throughout the city.

I am a relief youth worker at the 49th Street Youth Shelter in Red Deer. This job has been very eye opening and educational, it has opened new opportunities. The position has also made me question my minor – do I want to teach ESL in elementary or would I prefer secondary high needs education?

I love to travel. I have been to England, the Netherlands, France, Monaco, Germany and Switzerland. I hope to explore more of Europe in the near future and to meet up with the people I met while living abroad. I have travelled to many Canadian cities and to Wisconsin on a 4-H exchange.

Although I traded in my byline for textbooks, I still love to write. I have a blog and I write for fun. I am considering looking into freelance writing while living in Edmonton to make some extra cash.

I am a caring individual. I care about my friends and family the most. I have two amazing nephews who I spoil with educational toys and active dates (bowling, swimming, soccer or skating). My mother is my best friend. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1990 and I became her sole caregiver. I could do the laundry, cook, clean and do grocery shopping by the end of Grade 2. I have an amazing boyfriend who is understanding about how into my school work I get and how dedicated I am to finishing school. Between my mother, my boyfriend and school friends I have an amazing support system and a great group of people to bounce project ideas off of.

I have learned over the past year to push myself to try harder. I have learned that I have more potential than I thought I had. I have more passion, drive and enthusiasm towards teaching and becoming a teacher than I ever thought I encompassed. I have found what I love and I cannot wait for the next three years to breeze by so that I can do what I love.

... creation vs evolution ... (Grade 11)

Creation VS. Evolution




Adrianne Shepherd

Biology 20

Jan 9, 2001

Prepared for Ms. Stayura



To me the thought of one of my far back relatives or ancestors being a chimpanzee is just not comforting. I would rather stick to the Bible and believe what I have been taught since a toddler. That is that we all came from two humans, Adam and Eve (in the book of Genesis).

Theories have been proven wrong time and time again, who is to say that one day, and someone might be able to prove evolution wrong. Between each fossil finding, there are time gaps. LARGE time gaps, what can explain this? If the chimpanzee were to “evolve” to be man, shouldn’t there be more fossils around of the transition from chimp to man?

In the Holy Bible, in the first book of Moses, more commonly known as Genesis 1: 24-31 talks about the fifth day of creation. On this day, the Lord created all creatures that creep on the earth, and later man female and male. So if creatures such as monkeys, apes, orang-utans and the chimpanzee were all created on the fifth day and humans were created on the fifth day, it is not possible that we all came from apes. It however, may be possible he created us to look alike to create curiosity.

Chimpanzees do not walk upright like humans. They use their front arms to aide them in walking. So if by any chance we possibly did evolve from the chimpanzee when did they start to walk upright? What gave the strength and power to all of a sudden walk with two feet instead of all four?

In the Bible, Genesis verses 6-8 talks about Noah and the Great Flood. This flood caused all animals and beings to die; all but two of each kind. A male and a female of each species were saved, with the exception of humans – there were eight on board. The animals and being not on the ark died, therefore their bones would be left on the earth, to later become fossils and covered by sediments and volcanic ash over the years.

The footprints that were found in the sand, and preserved by the volcanic ash could have been from any type of animal not necessarily an ape or early human. This could be so, because no one knows what kind of animals lived back then, and what their footprints would look like, there are most likely many thousands of animals out there that haven’t been discovered yet. Their fossils still buried deep in the solid.

At this point in time, I do not believe in evolution. I still have many questions to answer about my faith and religion as it is. Once I have those questions answered I will then begin to wonder more about evolution and other issues, but right now my number what concern is what I believe in religiously.

... a confession ...

As much as I hate to admit it, deep down I am a girly girl... It's amazing how somedays even when you don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or even leave the house... if you put on a little make up, do your hair and dress up a tad - you're often in a better mood.

It's a crazy amount of work just to feel a bit better, but it usually does the trick. I guess if you think you look good then you feel good...?! It's totally a psychological thing, but it totally did the trick this weekend. I didn't want to get out of bed. I still had my headache, but I had to get ready for my job interview. So I got up and I curled my hair with my flat iron. I put on some makeupand a little perfume and I was instantly in a good mood.

My other girly girl confessions today include my obsession with Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, 90210, Gossip Girl, The OC and a myriad of chick flicks. And all my chick lit... I am not into the raunchy romance novels, but I do enjoy a love story now and then...

I guess maybe I will make an effort to do more than just throw my hair in a pony tail in the morning and run out... maybe making myself a bit more 'up' will enhance my everyday mood!

... a case of 'one-of-those-weeks' ...

I along with a handful of my classmates have had - 'one-of-those-weeks'... thankfully I think mine is over... or I hope it is! I have had a headache and nausea since Monday and nothing was making it go away. Finally today I got my tax return and I had the cash to purchase my perscription of tylenol 3 and eye drops... they seem to be helping... and the fact that the weekend is here helps a lot too!!

I am nearing the end of my first year, patiently waiting to see if I get early acceptance to the U of A. I only have a couple of tests and a bunch of projects left before finals hit ful force. I am not too stressed right now, I think it all went away once made a couple of changes to my outlook AND finished our group presentation in EDUC... now I don't have to be nice to certain people anymore, and can just get my work done!

I am kind of sad that I might not be returning to RDC next year, I like a couple of my teachers and some of the girls. BUT it is comforting to know that Cassie and Trista and most likely a bunch of the others will be transferring in year three! Jessi will eventually transfer to Grant Mac, in Edmonton, so we will be able to hang out too... so eventually all of us 219 girls (minus Janvier - who will be travelling the world) will be back together.

I am excited for the weekend! Tonight and tomorrow morning I am judging a science fair!!! That will be fun!!! And tomorrow afternoon I am going to Edmonton for a job interview at Fort Edmonton Park.

On our fitness/weightloss challenge... I am doing ok I guess... I still have a ways to go - but some of my old dress pants are fitting again, so I am well on my way. Just need to get off my lazy behind and start running again!

Ok I am off to finish some cover letters for jobs I am applying for, and to do my hair!!!

... the write choice ...

I am a student, but deep down I am still a journalist. I will always be a writer. Even if I only write for pleasure and not for a career – I am a writer. Therefore I should rock in English. I should get amazing marks. It should be a given. I shouldn’t be rocking a C and thinking of dropping the class. I shouldn’t. I have always thought those that drop a class don’t try hard enough, I thought of it as failing and a waste of money.


That is until I have nearly become one of them. I put a decent amount of time into my essay, and still wound up with a horrible mark. A mark that would make anyone upset. A mark that is unexpected from someone who has been working as a journalist on and off since 2004.

I have until Monday to make up my mind about the course. That’s the withdraw date. Do I throw my hands up in defeat and withdraw from the class to prevent bringing my GPA down and making the U of A think I am an incompetent student for nearly FAILING a course that concentrates on my NATIVE LANGUAGE. Or do I suck it up, rewrite my essay and keep trucking and end up with a C or C+ in the class. Which my teacher says is an acceptable mark. Yes, it looks wonderful for a future teacher to nearly fail an English class, you moron. I think he needs to take a couple education courses of his own.

I miss writing, I just don’t feel motivated or inspired lately. I don’t know what’s missing – I used to have a drive to write all the time. Sometimes I would blog three times a day, and I would come up with some amazing blogs. Now it’s sometimes like I have to force myself to write. It is therapeutic if I can actually get through it.

I miss reporting. I had to stop by the office the other day to pick up a reference letter. I miss it. I miss the hustle and bustle. I miss the interviews. I miss the glamour that went with the job, getting to go to events for free. I miss finding the hidden gems in people’s lives and creating interesting feature stories. I miss people reading my work and stopping me in the street to let me know they liked it. I miss knowing people read my work. I miss knowing people cared about my work.

... school's almost out!!!!! ...

So our house is drama central, all three of us are living here now... that's a first. It's kind of awkward...

I am bored trying to finish (well start and finish) a project and while Andrea watched old One Tree Hill's... I have kind of told her my plans for next year.... and she didn't say a lot. I kind of just kept talking and talking.... just to avoid awkwardness.

I babysat today... played badminton with the girl for an hour and a half while her little brother played around the yard... When I told him it was time to go in, he threw sand at me... yes so now I have sand in my hair and it's not fun... gotta love them spoiled kids!!

Seeing how as soon as I opened my blog I ran out of things to say soooo I should go pretend I am Malcom's Mom from Malcom in the Middle and write a letter to his teacher on how he learns best.... OOOOH FUN!

... princess of procrastination...

Yes I realize I probably spelled that wrong, and right I am not tooooo concerned! I haven't blogged a lot lately, because I have been trying to work some stuff out in my life right now. I am trying to get caught up in my classes and study.... buuut I find myself on here!!

Jordan and I are both working on reaching our fitness goals, to my luck my roommate just bought a Wii with a Wii Fit Plus! It is soooo much fun!

I have made my mind up as to where I want to be next year, where I want to study, where I want to live ... all of that... Now I just have to put my plan into motion. Ok I made my mind up a long time ago, I just hadn't vocalized it until last night.

I am still planning on writing up a photo blog from our Vancouver trip... should do that soon I guess...

I haven't been up to a lot... school school school... I worked two overnight shifts at the shelter... that's 24 hours in two days~! CRAZY!!!'

More to come later... off to study Educational Psychology.

... sometimes ...

Sometimes I have a tendancy to doubt myself, to doubt my decisions and to doubt my abilities. I start to question decisions I have made and ones I am going to be making. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve what I have. I have always done it but I hope it is something that doesn't continue forever. I will make it clear right now, that I don't doubt relationship decisions, that's one place I am confident in.

It's more or less things like, did I make a difference, does anyone notice what I do, have I picked the right program of study in school, will I get good enough grades....etc. etc.

I have had a rough week, done more thinking than a normal person should. I am trying to figure out which school to go to in the fall. Where to live for the summer. Where to get a summer job. All of that fun stuff. I want to figure it out soon-ish, so I can give Andrea the chance to find a place - with or without me.

I have been stressed with some stuff, which I am beginning to figure out, nothing too major.

At the same time I have had a couple of AH-HAH! moments this week, that have helped me remind myself that I am on-track and that I am doing ok - and that I do matter and I have made a difference, if only in a few lives.

I guess I take for granted some things, some things I didn't realize I take for granted... this week has awoken me and reminded me that things are great, I have amazing people in my life and I am loved.

On that note, on Monday night I had a phone call from someone that I never thought would have called, someone I had forgotten cared, because said person hasn't showed he has cared in a long long long long time. Yup, BINGO, SHAZAM, my brother called. Made me bawl, but it was a good talk. He reminded me that he isn't always there for me, but if I need him, he is there. He reminded me that things will get better and that they weren't as bad as they seemed and that maybe it was time to focus on me. He made some more comments that were more personal and I don't feel like sharing, but all in all the guy showed he cared!!

I received a facebook message earlier today, one that reminded me that sometimes a person can make a difference in people's lives even when you don't realize it or expect it. Growing up there was only one other kid my age in town (for a while there were a couple others... but it was always Mike and I). Mike's mother owned the store, and his family lived above the store. Mike has a younger sister and brother. They became like family, his mother became like my second mother. I was always at their house. We played games, we had joint birthday parties (we're two days apart!), we had kool-aid stands, we played ojia (sp?!) board, we explored town and the surrounding areas and we researched the history of town... And his siblings were always in toe. Their parents split when Mike and I were in grade two or three. When his sister hit high school she fell into the wrong crowd of people, which I found crushing... I tried to get her to see she could do better, she could bring her grades up... but there was only so much I could do. When I was in the Netherlands, I was talking to my mom and she told me how Mike's sister was going through a really rough patch. So I started writing her letters on a regular basis. I reminded her that I had faith in her, that she was capable of great things and that she was like the little sister I never had.... That's all I could do. We talked about things that were happening in our lives.

I got a message from her today, totally out of the blue. She updated me on her life, asked me what was going on in my life and then let me know that I was a great role model in her life and thanked me for that. She thanked me.

Those two conversations were something I needed this week. To squash my fears of being inferior, and not mattering. I need to tackle my self esteem problems, I am working on it. It doesn't happen over night - although that would be fan-freaken-tastic! Step by Step - day by day - I am making a difference, to myself and perhaps those around me... or so I hope!

... a rollercoaster...

That's right, today has been a rollercoaster, and if you know me well, you will know how much I love those.
Why am I blogging?! Because that's what I do when I am trying to figure things out, I know a couple of you have checked for updates - and there's been nothing. It took some time to compose myself and come up with some words.

I am not angry, I don't harbour resentment, I don't have any strong feels of hate - just confused, lonely, sad and hurt. Which is worse, I am not sure. All I know is that yes there were plenty of tears shed (a good three or four hours worth) but I am ok, and I will be ok.

I am not perfect, and I know that, just sometimes I wish I could be more perfect. I wish I had done things differently to avoid this outcome. I know it's not over, and that in a couple of months there will be another opportunity, but that doesn't help right now.

Oddly enough it took something like this to bring me back with the girls, I spent time with Trista and Jessi at the school today, while skipping English and while taking some time to chill before coming home. Andrea came to the rescue with pizza. We then set out on a mission to find season three of Gilmore Girls. We ended up roaming the mall, chatting, getting ice cream and Gilmore Girls. It was nice to be reminded that I do have some amazing friends in my life. It was odd to be on the opposite side of what is now known as Roommate Rule #32, but lucky for me I have an amazing roommate.

Tomorrow's a new day, and the sun will shine, and I plan to make a day of it. I think Kelly is coming for a visit, which is nice. I also think that Krystal and Clay are sending me money for gas or a bus ticket to come for a visit.

This is a whole new experience for me. I have been broken up with before, I have been the one to break up with someone. But it has never mattered, I never honestly cared this much about another individual. So it stings. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... chin held high, smile on face and positive thoughts... maybe that will come tomorrow.

... topsy turvy day ...

Today has been quite the day. I had a rude awakening as I attempted to re-enter the school world this morning… I did a math assignment late, losing 50% on the assignment. I forgot to do my at home quiz in math – which I lied about and begged to hand it in tonight at the study session… only to remember we don’t have the internet at home anymore, so I have no way to print the damned thing off! GO ME! So I have decided to just forget about it, in the end our quizzes are only worth like 2% of our final grade so I will suck this one up.

This morning was an adventure, one I knew was coming, but had been pretending it would never arrive. Jordan headed back to Winnipeg today, and once again I was an emotional wreck (no surprise there). We spent ten days together, and it went quite well, minus my couple fits. I had an amazing time, I got to meet his family (dad, stepmom, mom, stepdad, brother and grandparents) and all in all it went very well! I have no idea why I was stressing, most likely because it was the first time I have ever ‘met the family’. I’m not going to go into details yet because later when I have an internet connection or when I am at school, I will write a photo blog.

Today has had it’s good parts – it hasn’t been all bad. I ran into Cassie and we had a quick chat. I ran into Trista and had a quick chat, I almost cried then. A girl in my 8am class asked me if I was stoned, and I burst into tears, she got the hint that no, I was not stoned, just having a rough morning! We laughed about it in English cause I was in a more decent mood. I cried in math when I realized I had forgotten the quiz… needless to say my eyes are tired and burning. I’ve been up since 6 am, and I have a two hour break before heading back to the school for a three hour math study session.

I talked to my mom briefly, she had some random questions about my trip to BC. Seems like my lovely family was gossiping about me at Slade’s birthday party. My reaction was calm, I explained the truth to my mother and then said that I would not be coming home for Easter if I was expected to go to my grandmothers or if the lovely lady would be at mom’s I would graciously decline the invitation and stay in Red Deer, alone. I am tired of my family talking shit about me. I gave up when it comes to friends or random people talking – I let them talk, I don’t care. But my family, give me a freaken break, get a life and leave me alone. It wasn’t bad gossip – just shit that isn’t any of their business. I am used to it, they have done it since I was a kid. It bothers me, I like to please people, and I can’t please them, I can’t make them love me – and quite frankly I don’t want to please them or to make them love me. That sounds harsh, but I have had enough. I have people in my life that treat me better, they don’t have a blood connection to me, but they are better people and they like me for me. The gossip sticks with me though – it started out them thinking I didn’t do enough around the house as a kid (they don’t know half of what I did), then it was my mom treated me differently (as she should have because I was her caregiver, while my brother was off the hook), then it was I was too involved in community events and didn’t deserve the awards I won, then it was how could I abandon my family and leave the country for a year, then it was why did she go to school, and why didn’t she get a journalism job, and why does she keep moving, and why did she go back to school, and why doesn’t she have money, and why doesn’t she come home and take care of her mom more often…. But when it gets into my personal life, about who I live with, who I date, who I am friends with and the details of my holidays – I get angry. That is my business, they haven’t had anything to do with my life in a long time, why do they think they have the right to talk about me?! It drives me insane. Especially when they make catty remarks to my mom. Not to mention that none of the people who are talking about me have lived an innocent life or been perfect themselves. I do things my way. I do things for me. I want people to like me for me or to leave me alone. That’s all I ask.

Mom was taken aback when I made the comment about Easter. She was like, you usually don’t let it bother you. My reply was that I have had enough, and I don’t care to put up with it anymore. Mom was surprised, but understood where I was coming from. So now there’s a 50-50 chance I could end up alone in Red Deer for Easter – which has happened before because of familial drama or I might go home for a small Easter dinner and egg hunt. It all depends on if my grandma shows up. I am not being selfish with my decision, I am doing it with everyone’s best interest in mind. If I do go and my grandma, aunt or cousin (very unlikely those two would show up) are there, there is a very good chance I will speak my mind or blow up – which wouldn’t be pretty, wouldn’t leave a great impression in my nephews eyes and would lead to more problems within the family and I don’t want that. By removing myself from the situation, it creates harmony and peace… but then gives them another chance to talk about me and why I am not there…. It’s a nasty cycle that will never ever end…

... I'm baaaaaaaaack....

... but it's going to be quick because I must study for Spanish!

I am not as close with my brother or sister-in-law as I once was, or as I wish I could be. And sometimes that sucks because it'd be nice to have their support or advice every now and then, but I'm a big girl. I rarely get texts from them, unless they need or want something from me... which I have come to deal with. Regardless, I love them both. I love their children even more, and they know that - I don't hide that fact (from anyone). People come to visit - I show off the latest pictures of my boys...

Anyway today I get a text from my sister-in-law...
D: When are you going to be home next?
A: Well tomorrow or the next day, but it will just be brief. I need to get some stuff from mom's. Why?
D: Just wondering Austin was upset last night because he never gets to see you.

That broke my heart and made my day all at once! Austin and I used to have Austin and Aunty dates on a weekly basis, he became my side kick. I was going to sporting events, and he'd come with me as my 'assistant' and tell me what I 'needed to write'. We'd go bowling or swimming, or to movies, wander Walmart, play at a park or just read books.

So I told Dana to get Austin to pick a Friday, and we'd have a date. He picked the earliest Friday he could, and now we have a date! I promised to take him to a movie (if it's kid appropriate) and bowling! With DQ in there of course, because we always fit our ice cream and fries in there.

So yes, things are picking up and looking a bit brighter. I am trying to work on my grades, and put more work and effort into things. I need to do well this semester, I am still considering transfering to the U of A. They have much more to offer for my minor than RDC does. And I checked into res. and their four bedroom apartment style dorms are only $406 a month... tuition would be more, but rent would be less... and chances are I could find a better paying job!!! I just need my RRSP money to submit my applications for both the University and Res. And find a way to break it to Andrea.... she might kill me. I would kill me if I were her.

I still have a queasy stomach... but nothing bad, I stopped puking Sunday so the worst of the flu has left I guess. Hasn't stopped me from going to school!!!

Ok but now - back to Spanish!! Me gusta estudiar... not!!!

... temporary extinction ...

I haven't had the greatest of weeks, and we're only at Tuesday... and I generally do one of two things when I get this way - concentrate on whatever is going wrong (or poorly in this case) and fix it - meaning not much blogging... or just blog blog blog - trying to figure shit out.

This time around, I think I will be concentrating on what's bothering me right now and the short list of that would be improving my grades, catching up on my readings and studying more - even though that's all I have done really lately.  The other thing on that short list would be to find more babysitting families - which I have tried some different areas, posted some online ads, now I just have to wait patiently.

Now I am off to work on my studying so I can bring my C's and D (yup, I got a D, go me... FML) to match my A's and B's in other classes.

... what a day ....

I am exhausted. My eyes are burning (effing crying). My car is stranded in Edmonton alone and broken (the door won't latch, so it doesn't close or lock... oh joy. I hate airports, and airport goodbyes, and the way mcdonalds makes me feel...
On the upside - I like the car that I have to drive until Folky is fixed.
And I am not in a mood to blog so this will be short and not like my usual blogs...
We had a good weekend, had some friends over Saturday for a pot luck and visiting. It was a good time. That was about it... Jordan picked up his new car for the weekend, and broke my car door (intentionally I SWEAR so that he would be able to FORCE me to drive a Volvo and fall in love with it... damned guys... ;) I know he didn't do it on purpose, but I can pretend...)
On the way home I called my mom and told her about my car... her reply was along the lines of her laughing at me, telling me I found a keeper and to be careful because the car is worth more than my life... gotta love mothers.
My house is way too quiet - I am home alone and Salem won't come near me... he's pissed because Jordan is gone... I'm going to pop in a movie, and go to bed.
This is a lame post, I know - it was pretty much to let you all know that I am still alive, and that things are going ok...

... speechless ...

Sometimes there isn't much you can say or do to change a situation or to help out. Even though that's all you want to do.

I ran into my neighbour from back home today, I've known her since she was like 8. She's almost like a little sister to me. Anyway I ran into her in the library. She looked like she needed a hug, so without asking I gave her one. And then asked how she was, she replied I'm ok, to which I said Hun, you're lying. What's up?! (thinking maybe her and her bf had broken up or something trivial) not prepared for her to tell me one of her closest friends (whom I have also known since he was like in kindergarten) had passed away after a long 5 or 6 year battle with cancer. I have her more hugs and told her that he had fought a hard fight but wasn't hurting anymore and that I was here if she needed me.
I have never lost a close friend, I've only lost one peer. I've lost nearly every man that's been close to me (father, grandpa, great uncles, uncles) and a grandpa and honorary grandparents. But that's about it. I don't even think anyone from my grad class has passed. Which is a good thing.
But for the first time, I can't offer advice or word of wisdoms.

He was a great kid, one of the smartest people I know, talented too. He was going places. And his life was cut short. Way too short. And his older brother has spent his life addicted to drugs and alcohol not a good plan for a diabetic. Its messed up how life works sometimes.

And for once I'm at a loss for words, it doesn't happen often.

... glimmer of hope ...

Today, for the first day in a very long time, I had a glimmer of hope... no it was longer than a glimmer - perhaps a sliver. And it's still there, just not as prominent. I always have hope in somethings but I lost hope in this area a long time ago. What I am talking about is my mom's health.

I have always wanted to see my mom walk again. When I get married, if it is the traditional marriage cerimony - I have always wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle in the church where her and my father were married. But as it stands right now - she is not able to do that. I also want my mom to be the one I dance with for the 'traditional father daughter dance'. Because in essence the woman has been my mother and my father all rolled up into one. And as it stands right now - that won't be possible either.

*~*~*~ side note - I am not planning on getting married in the near future (FYI!) but the thing is she won't be getting better... but progressively worse, as she has over the past 20 years.

I want my mom to be able to play with my nephews and my children (one day), like she did with us before she got too bad. I want so many things when it comes to my mom, so many things that never seemed attainable or even imaginable. That was until December when the CCVSI study was released on W5. Because I am on the Board of Directors for the MS Society Central Alberta Chapter - I got a heads up that it would be on W5, and a bunch of information to prepare myself.

I didn't know what to think, I mean we have heard of so many studies and possible cures - but they're never for mom's type of MS, or she is to far progressed to be helped by the drugs... but this could possibly reverse the debilitating disease that took my mom's life and changed it all up, the disease that stole my childhood, the disesase that has caused so much turmoil within my family.

I would move mountains for the woman, I really would, and I could only say that for a handful of people. She is single-handedly one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life. She is the most amazing woman in my books, and she deserves more than a life of being stranded in a chair watching TV all day long, swimming three times a week and sleeping the rest because she has no energy. It's not fair.

I could play the whole it's not fair - there are people out there in the world who deserve bad things to happen to them, and this happend to my mom who had already lost a son and a husband and then had to raise a son and daughter on disability and watch as her young daughter took over the household duties... but I won't. Because in odd ways, the messed up disease has made my mom and I closer, strengthened our bond, caused my mom to find some unreal sense of positivity and strength I didn't think any individual could have... but sometimes it would just be easier to play the it's not fair card....

There's only one catch - it's not happening yet in Canada - it's close. There are a handful of places in the country that are testing to see if there are blockages in a person's veins. But they're mostly in private facilities - not something mom can afford. There have been a lot of neurologists putting pressure on the U of A Hospital to start doing the testing, and I hope with every fiber of my being that they do. I hope for myself, I hope for all of the kids from the camp group from last spring, I hope for my mom, I hope for those kids' parents, and all of the people on the Board and their significant others and the countless other people that I have met with MS and those I haven't.

I am going to a seminar type deal that the best neurologist in Red Deer is hosting in conjunction with the MS Society on Feb. 2, to hear more up-to-date information on what is being done in Canada.

I haven't prayed this hard in a long time, I want to see my mom walk, I want to see my mom gain back the independence she was stripped of 20 years ago, I want so much for her because of what she has had to give up.

So I had hope it was bright and strong and now it's a bit dimmer - but it is there... I have watched my mom progress from being fully able bodied to using a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair, and in and out of hospitals over my life... I would give anything to watch that in reverse... I know it wouldn't be an easy recovery, but the woman can do it, she has the strength and I would be there by her side the whole way - just as she has always been by my side.

... the lost is found ...

YES! My binder was found, and given to my math teacher, who kept it safe over the weekend for me! I got it today (too late to study for anything, but I have it nonetheless).

Math will seriously be the death of me... I am understanding it, but I often find myself making stupid mistakes if I don't concentrate well enough. On our 'quiz' today we had the option of using the text or working with a partner Melissa, Sam (girl Sam... I haven't seen boy Sam yet this semester... odd...) and I ended up working together. But we didn't get done, a lot of people didn't because he decided we had to learn to work withing time constraints (would have been nice for a heads up old man).

The math instructor told us on the first day he is partially deaf - and he was not lying. If you don't speak your answers or questions LOUDLY, he won't hear it. Just like I am sure he doesn't hear the annoying jackasses in the back who talk incessentaly, making it nearly impossible to concentrate on math or what the instructor is saying. Sam yelled at them to shut up, and they didn't even hear her. Vanissa finally told them to grow up and they shut up for a good ten minutes. If it is a problem on Wednesday I will e-mail the instructor. The same group of individuals got kept after class (hahahaha) in EDUC and caught supreme shit... and the instructor of that class is the head of the Middle Years Program (keep it up guys, and you won't get into Middle YEars!).

That's my rant for the day. Not even going to rant about the old lady in English, because I have began to tune her and her rediculous comments and questions out.

I had a good chat with Jessi today on my lunch break, we met up in the library. She's been helpful this past month and can always find a way to cheer me up... she's more random than I am (yup, it's possible!).

... just venting a bit...

I thought I had left my binder at home yesterday - well it turns out that the binder is not in my house, car or locker... It has not been turned into security or the library.... SO I have to wait until Monday to see if I left it in my English or Math classrooms... that really helps me prepare for my Spanish, EDPY and Math tests!! I have math covered, will manage with Spanish and EDPY because of the text - but I am still freaking out a bit. Takes a lot of talent to be able to forget a binder, but remember a clipboard, backpack and a ton of texts!!

I just needed to vent a bit about that so I can try and concentrate on Bloom's Taxonomy... I have finished studying two of the three theorists... just have one left after Bloom's Taxonomy.... AND then Spanish. I also have a couple hours tomorrow morning to study for Spanish... And an hour for math after Spanish. Hamlet is going to have to wait another day to be read. (shux!)

This weekend has been much better in comparison to last!! Like polar opposites! Things are finally starting to go a bit better, I am happier, less stressed (depsite the studying and binder fiasco!!), and I am relaxed.

I say that but I still have no patience for certain things, and have become kind of self absorbed... but that's just because I need to kick ass on these tests. That and because there is only so much drama and shit I can take from other people before I snap or break or blow up. None of those situations would be pretty so I try to avoid it from happening. I have moved past my shitty week, dealt with it... I have dealt with my family drama, because it doesn't affect me directly - there is nothing I can do... doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry. And by the time all that is done, stresses of finding random parttime jobs and my full course load... I don't seem to have the patience or ability to deal with other people's stuff... I feel like I have failed, but I mean - my cup is full... and I don't want it to overflow...

I probably don't make any sense... after this amount of time of reading about cognitive development and educational psychology theorists I think I am a bit more loopy than I was before...

Back to the books....

... go figure ....

So here I am, in the library, I grabbed the last table with a comfy chair (like one from a living room... comfy like a couch!!)... I knew I packed all of my text books, extra paper, pens, my clipboard, my phone charger (phone was dying), enough snacks to last until the library closes... what did I forget?! My binder - with all of my notes... I can study out of the text books for now, and use my notes tonight or tomorrow.

My computer automatically signs into MSN for me, and one of my best friend's little brothers is online. I love the kid like he's my own little brother, I have lived 8-10 hours away from them forever, but I have watched him grow from a tiny scrawny 6 year old to a scrawny eleventh grader... Might I add a world class fencer?! Not world class yet, but I have no doubts that he will make it to the Olympics one day, he is already competing with people beyond his age division. He and I talked about how he was trying out for the Arctic Games, and I knew he'd make it, but he had some doubts - we had a little pep talk and I think he felt better. I talked to his sister a couple weeks ago, and she was up north visiting her family and she told me that he made the cut - he is going to be competing! And I was beyond thrilled, excited and proud of the little guy!! I texted him a bit on his sisters phone and let him know how I felt. He said he was surprised I cared! I reassured him that I care for him like he was my own brother. Anyway we're chatting now about the games! I am sooo excited for him, and I hope that his sister decides to head up north to watch him compete because if she does, I would kill to tag along and cheer him on!!!

That was my exciting news! Oh I have a bit more - I have a babysitting job - that I hope will make me tons and tons of money! I have a couple other intersted families too, hopefully they will call soon!! I could really use the extra money!

Ok - now to go study Math (which I totally understand the two concepts we will be tested on them, but there are parts I would never be able to teach to a class of elementary students... out instructor doesn't understand that... oooh well as long as I pass the class!!), Educational Psychology and Spanish!!! AND read Hamlet (again, for the third time!!), unfortunately for me, I have forgotten everything about Hamlet... grr... I am considering buying the sparknotes and reading them....

... something new...

So for Christmas from a friend I got a handy dandy day calendar with a different quote each day about friendship... I secretly vowed to wite up a quick blog each day about the daily quote... only I haven't posted them... and we're on day 19... so I will condense them and post them in a couple of posts - rather than 19...

January 1
"Friendship is the wine of life."
~Edward Young

We've all heard interpretations of this quotation, how they grow better with age.Which they do, a friend that you have had for a long time, is an amazing blessing. But that isn't to say that the newer friends aren't as good... because sometimes they are, sometimes the exceed expectations.

January2/3
"The essence of true friendship is to make allowance for another's little lapses."
~David Storey

Oh how I agree with this one, especially as of late... I haven't been the most supportive, I have had a hanful of little lapses... I have almost missed birthdays... I haven't checked in, I haven't kept updated, I haven't shared news or even talked to some of my good friends lately. But that's where this quote steps in, a good friend will understand without being angry, and will not be upset with me... that is a true friend.

January 4
"Sometimes, friendship means thinking with your heart and not your head."
~Will Robinson

Whomever Will Robinson is/was he is a brilliant individual, and spoke wisely. Sometimes our head will tell us one thing and our heart will speak another; and we have no idea which to do. A good friend, will follow whichever feels best, sometimes you're heart wins the battle, and it pays off. Sometimes when you follow your head you realize you weren't thinking clearly in the beginning and you may have gone the wrong way. It's all about taking chances and thinking about what is best for you - and the friend(s) involved.


January 5
"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
~Anatole Broyard

I agree with this one as well, a good friend will always speak the truth (even when it will hurt), because if you can't expect the truth from your friends, the people you trust and keep closest to you, who can you expect the truth from? Sure it may sting at the time, but one will realize that the truth is something to be valued, something to embrace. Honesty is key in any relationship.


January 6
"Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind are agreed."
~Cicero

Who would have thought that there would be a single thing that nearly every human being would be able to have some sort of agreeance on? And who would have thought it would be as simple as friendship?! It's true though, everyone needs to have some sort of friend in order to get through... can you imagine not having any friend?! Not a single friend? I mean there were times when I felt like I didn't have a single friend in the world - but I always had my mom, or a pet, or people I talked to online (geeky, but true). No one said that a friend had to be someone your age, or someone like you, or even a human for that matter - many people become friends with their pets (and that is considered to be somewhat normal... depending on the degree of friendship I guess...).

That's all for tonight... my brain is turning to mush!! But there will be more tomorrow!!!

... something old, something new and something old-new...

I have had the opportunity to catch up with old friends recently - and it's been refreshing.It's been nice to take a walk back in time and rehash old memories and wonder what ever happened to so-andso....

I have also become better friends with acquaintances from my past- some of them I never though I would see again or speak to again until I realized that I have a lot in common with them, or a lot to learn from them.

I have also lost touch with some friends - which is sad, but it happens. I know if our paths ever cross again, we will pick up where we left off.

I have met a handful of friends since moving to Red Deer. I can honestly say I never thought any of them would have become as important or as meaningful as they have. This group of ladies has touched my life in countless ways. They have helped me celebrated good grades, good news and happy days.They have been there for me when I bambed an assignment or test (even if they aced it), whe I quit my job, when I ran out of money, when I have had family problems, been lost, confused and lonely.

I didn't realize that they cared or that we had transformed from classmates to friends until I got a stern lecture from three of them, in front of most of our English class about worrying them like crazy when I decided to brave the roads during a horrid winter storm.

I am not sure when I had my so called break-through with Andrea, but I am sure it involved food, TV or tears.

What I am saying is I am grateful for all of you - my old friends, my new-old friends, my new friends and the ones that have moved on. Each of you have helped me become the person I am today.

... life is an experiment...

I got a text from a friend last night, she knows I haven't been having the greatest time lately, but has been very supportive even though she has a lot on her own plate.

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better"

~Ralph Waldo Emmerson.

Each individual can interpret the quote in their own way but through my eyes it means to take chances - and if you take chances then you will better yourself in one way or another.

If you don't take chances ... - If you don't ask someone that question... If you don't apply for that job... If you don't move on... If you don't apply for that scholarship... - you will never know, you will always wonder 'what if' and you will only hurt yourself.

So my friends what I guess I am saying is don't let what society says constrict you - follow your dreams, take chances and step out of the box you have created for yourself. The view from the top of the box is a much more beautiful view.

... I dropped the ball...

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that you let someone down. I think I could take just about any feeling over that one. Knowing that you let someone down, that you dropped the ball totally takes the ball in the department of screw ups. And sadly enough it seems like I perfected that department a while back.
The stupid thing is I was just simply overwhelmed, which made me seem selfish and not excited for someone's big news. I am over the moon excited, I just lacked to show it because it comes with huge changes in both of our lives. So I freaked a bit. Lame excuse I know, I should have been more supportive and all of that. It was completely unlike me, I am usually super understanding, supportive and able to see the bigger picture and the good in things... I dropped the ball, and it was probably the worst time to ever drop the ball.

On the flipside - things are looking up!! LIKE WAY UP! And I am very excited about that!! 2010 will come with big changes, but for the better, and I am totally looking forward to it!

... a bit of a rollercoaster ride...

I hate hate hate rollercoasters, but that's how my today has played out. The smallest things would upset me today, and I have absolutely no reasoning to why. But do I seriously need a reason to have an off day?? I mean it would make things a lot easier to understand...

I spent the morning catching up on neglected e-mails.Then I made banana chocolate chip pancakes... And after that I started on my lasagna... which meant a trip to the grocery store... which led to two grocery stores because I couldn't find a couple of ingredients... Once I had the meat and sauce mixed and ready to start building the lasagna - I realized I had forgotten to buy the darned noodles... which meant another trip to the grocery store. I was certainly frustrated, especially with myself. Who forgets the darned noodles?! It seems like a small petty thing now, but at the time I felt stupid and angry with myself. That's how most of my day went. And it rubbed off onto the people I intereacted with today. Which I apologize for. It's fine, I can have an off day, I can be in a bitchy mood, I can be grouchy - but when I transfer that onto other people it's gone too far.

It took me almost all day to get out of my funk, and realize that - YES I did spill nearly HALF of my caramel macchiato down the front of my brand new cute blue sweater in the middle of Chapters, and YES I did lose my bank card between Winners and Andrea's car... and YES I did say some stupid things that were taken in the wrong context to a handful of people today.... BUT it was a nice day, I accomplished a LOT. I made stellar pancakes, and an amazing lasagna and waiting for my mini meatloaves to come out of the oven... oooh and they're out - and look kind of cute, and taste grrreat!!

It took Andrea laughing at me, with coffee running down my sweater to realize that life isn't as horrible as I was making it out to be.

I received two random facebook messages today from people I haven't heard from in a while. One a distant relative. The other used to date one of my brother's friends... and we've become friends. They were pick me ups, I guess sometimes it's hard to realize that people care, even if they aren't in your close circle of friends. These messages made me re-realize (now I am making words up!!) that people care. Not that I ever doubted people, but it's nice to know people care.

I have a lot of good things going for me right now, more than I have ever had going for me in a long long LONG time. I have some of the most amazing friends I have ever had (including the core group that have always stuck by me); my family is ok - in relatively good health (not really, but it could be worse... we're all still kicking!); I love love love this semester (even I do hate math - it is kind of interesting... don't say a word Jordan!!!!); I am making new friends (even after I said I wouldn't); I enjoy my job, the people I work with and the youth (even if I often find myself overwhelmed by the situations the youth face on a daily basis)  and soon - very soon I won't be thousands of kilometers away from Jordan (the best of all!!).

... and to top it off I got back at Andrea by laughing at her... she is wearing a 'rubber finger' so she can flip through pages faster... she was super excited about it... hmmm... anyone think we're a good match as roommates?!

So yes, today was a rollercoaster ride... most of it was pretty low, but now I'm back at the top, and I plan on staying up there.

... not a fan of today ...

I am in a blah mood. I knew this was coming, and I am stuck. I toyed with the idea of going to a movie today after talking about a bunch of the new ones at work last night. I had it between two movies, one which Jordan wants to see too, so scratched that and the other is a sappy love movie and if I were to go today that wouldn't make my mood any better, but worse.
So here I sit, on the couch in my pyjamas with lots to do but nothing I want to do. I need to feel motivated, or inspired... hahah. This post is in contradiction with the last bunch I have written. I'm just having an off day, and have no one to talk to it with because they're all at work or busy... and I can't trouble my mom she's not doing great herself right now and my problems won't help her out... but make her worry about things she can't help with.
How sad is it that sometimes I just want to forget about my own mother?! That way I don't worry about her. I don't actually want to forget about her. That sounds awfully cold. But I just wish that someone else would worry about her too... or be concerned... So I check in on a daily basis with her, but in between I try to pretend everything is all okay. Knowing fully well it isn't, no matter how hard she tries to lie about it. In my eyes the woman has a year, maybe two left on her own. And I know exactly who will be the one going home to pack her, move her and clean her house when that time comes.
I wish my homework would do its self, same with the laundry and baking .... and that Monday were here. At least with school I get to see people and be busy and all that stuff.
So here I go, I will take out a bunch of bananas for baking and go get my text books. I have to write my great teachers paper, why I want to be a teacher assignment, study for Spanish, Spanish homework, study for EDPY EDUC and math... and maybe scrapbook in there too.

... exhausted... ****edited****

 Here's today in point form... and my goals for tomorrow... I may expand later...

I have expanded - the bold is an explanation of all the happenings!!

Today

• old lady in English - drives me batty. - Said lady is in her 50's or 60's kudos to her on going back to college. I guess it couldn't have been an easy decision and stuff... but she is 'slow' and makes some comments that are waaaay out there. I mean I guess I shouldn't rag - she participates in class more than me, but sometimes her opinons should be kept to herself. I am sure Sam, likes being referred to as 'that girl' every day. And I know I certianly didn't appreciate her calling me and the rest of my generation ZOMBIES because we were raised differently than her... but I chuckled at it anyway. She adds some zest to the class, but can be annoying - but can't we all?!
• rude remark in Math (requires me to draw a triple venn diagram)

So the question was what does the shaded area represent??

To which the male student answered - "One at a time or all three"  To which the male instructor said "YES! RIGHT! Just like with girls right?!" to which the classroom had a wide variety of reactions, some laughed, some looked appauled, some didn't seem to care. I thought it was rather awkward for a teacher in his 60's to make a comment like that.. but that's just me...
• missed Olympic Torch relay - I had been looking forward to seeing the Torch Relay for weeks, but got called into work because one of the girls was sick. There's no way I was turning down a shift... had I said no, I would have been shuffled to the bottom of the relief list the next time they did callouts! I had a good shift. I had the opportunity to bond with some of the youth. The one boy (even if he was creepy) that I had manged to bond with before had been discharged. We had a boatload of paperwork to do, but it went by quickly. I love the job, I love working with the youth, we have some pretty exceptional ones right now. But they have managed to get themselves into trouble yet again. Thankfully I wasn't working the shift where 911 was called. I would have freaked. It's sad sometimes, the things these kids have witnessed, participated in and experienced in their short lives...
• bonding
• paperwork
• work
• crayon story - The other day my mom had Austin (7-year-old nephew) after school and overnight. She realized after he was in bed that his snowpants and his winter jacket were SOAKED (from the melting snow outside!)... so she decided to throw his CUTE camo jacket and pants into the dryer.... only to find the next morning that they now appeared to look like my innocent nephew had gone on a paintballing rampage... I guess that's what happens when a little kid leaves a package of crayons in their jacket and poor old grandma puts them it in the dryer... I got a good laugh out of it... but laughed even harder when mom told me that her dryer was coated in wax crayons. My sister in law was kind enough to clean the dryer out for mom, removed all the wax... and Austin was adament he did not steal the crayons, that they were from BP's... mom the whole time reassured the little gaffer that she didn't doubt him, but that she wished he would have put them with his school supplies.
• me boys - I went home Thursday to do some car insurance stuff, cooked dinner for mom and visited a bit. She isn't doing so hot. But I didn't make many comments, I try not to let on that I know as much as I know. She didn't leave her chair the whole three or four hours I was there. I wonder how often she does leave it when noone is around. It makes me worry. A LOT. After that I made a quick visit to my brother and sister in law's. And had a spectacular visit with my boys!! I can't believe how much they are growing! I love going to their house because before I even drive in the drive way,  Austin is usually waiting outside for me and then Slade comes a cruising when I walk through the door! I got lots of cuddle time in. I love playing with the boys, and visiting with them... it is my mission to make one of Slade's next words out of his mouth be AUNTIE! He has three teeth and is sooo close to walking... I got him to take five steps on his own!! Before long he will be terrorizing the house!! And Austin is growing and still my little nerd!

Tomorrow

• use up all the bananas in baking - I only used three... but maybe soon I will do some more baking.
• make lasagna - I succeeded in this! It tastes amazing!!!
• write my educ paper - Not such a success... maybe tomorrow...
• study math, educ, edpy, spanish - Tomorrow....
• go for a walk - Tomorrow...
• blog - success!

... I am inspired ...

So for my EDUC (Profession of Teaching) class, we're discussing what it takes to make a great teacher and the great teachers that have impacted our lives. We've been assigned to make contact with one of our memorable teachers and let them know how they've impacted our lives.
I haven't done this yet, I haven't picked my teacher. I think I might pick two and go from there. I have until Friday to finish that. It's mainly because teachers don't always get the credit they deserve. It's amazing to hear some of the replies that people have received from their memorable teachers. It's inspiring in a way.
Our first big assignment is to either interview a memorable teacher of ours, or to watch a teaching movie (we were given a list to select from) and analyze what makes the teacher in the movie a great teacher.
The movie I picked is one of my all time favourite movies, and I have read the book a half dozen times. The book and the movie both were extremely inspirational and they both display why I want to become a teacher. The movie is The Freedom Writers. I don't expect to change as many lives, or touch as many lives as Erin Gruwell did in her classrooms, but if I can touch a few lives, inspire a few students then I will be successful.
Erin was a first year teacher, and even when she was in over her head, she didn't give up - she kept going and found a way to reach a group of youth that everyone else had given up on.
So if you've read the book or watched the movie, you might understand what I am saying.
Now I am setting out to try and find a way to contact the two teachers that made the biggest impact on my life.

... I'm in control....

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

                   

         ~Eleanor Roosevelt                                                                                                                                                                                            

I completely believe in this quote, I was also told once by a wise individual that in essence you control your own moods to an extent.

I know sometimes the mood thing is completely out of our hands, but when I think I am in such a situation I just try and look at the bigger picture.

I remind myself of the good things I have in my life - I have a place to live, I have food in my fridge, a safe place to go at night, I am getting an education, I have an amazing set of friends and an amazing mother, I am in good health, I have hope, I have faith, I believe, I have dreams, I have an amazing boyfriend who has also become one of my closest friends.... I try my hardest to remind myself of all of these things and hope that to myself in my upset state that these things outweigh whatever seems to be getting me down.

For example - today started as a pretty shitty day. But I chose to take the information I had and take a positive spin on it. Which is possible with just about anything if you try hard enough. I reassured myself that things were fine and in actuality they are better than that. But by consciously deciding to get my ass out of bed, hold my head high and put a smile on my face I actively made a decision to try and have a good day. That smile lasted because I didn't have to warm my car up, and the weather was beautiful, and I was on time for my 8am class, finished my English homework, was early for Spanish, got my payment plan for my Spanish class, got transfer information and was early for Math and English. The weather was even nicer when I left the school so I was in a great mood, the snow is melting, I don't have to wear winter clothes right now - I LOVE IT!!! And then it changed AGAIN, I got my car stuck, and I mean effing stuck, Folky wasn't budging... I was ready to cry or get angry and was soooo mad that my good day was ruined... until I sat there and calmed down, realized it was a bad situation, but managed to get out... and then realize that it could have been worse and moved on.

IF only it were always that easy though! I know it's not, I often find myself stuck in a rut in a perma-bad mood, or upset, slightly depressed or wishing things were different. I sometimes get really down, and feel alone and lost because I don't have a lot in Red Deer, but I know I am not far from certain people, and the rest are merely a phone call or text message away - but at times that feels like too much.

I try not to worry about the things that I can't control, and concentrate on the things that I can control.

I know I haven't said it often lately, but I am grateful to have all of you in my life, because I would truly be lost without you. In your own way you shed some light when my world seems to be filled with darkness. You're my inspiration. You're my cheerleaders when I need ambition. It's because of you I don't give up, I don't give in and I can keep my head held high. And I thank you for that.

... I'm sorry ...

... because I haven't been the greatest of friends as of late... but that will change, I promise. I was busy working insane hours to get my training at work over and done with. That included working one Saturday during the day, from midnight to 8 am on a Monday, from 7:30am to 3:30 pm on a Tuesday and from 3 pm to midnight on the Thursday. I also had to buy my text books and start school in there. Needless to say I have hardly texted anyone since Jan. 2.
I really enjoy working at the shelter, and I really enjoy working with the people that work there. It seems like a great place to work.
Jordan came out for a weekend and got a job out here!! He will be moving out by the beginning of May! It's on the downlow though because his work doesn't know yet. So today I went to an academic advisor to find out how to transfer to the U of A. It will cost me $115 to apply, and I have my application ready, I just have to round up the money and the application is sent in - and by June 15, I have to get my transcript in.
If I get accepted I will move to Edmonton by the fall. If I don't get accepted, I will stay here for another year and try again. Although as long as I keep my grades up, there is no reason I shouldn't get in. The lowest accepted mark is a C- and a GPA of 2.0. My lowest mark was a C+ last semester (gotta love astronomy) and I had a GPA of like 3.21.
I was pretty excited when I left the school today, I got my payment arrangements made for my spanish course, looked into transfering and things were looking up... and then I got stuck in the slushy snow in front of my house - blocking a back alley.... took me nearly 20 minutes of trying to go forward and reverse before getting out. I was going to run some errands, but decided against it because I didn't want to get stuck!!!
SO I guess there are drawbacks to having spring weather in the middle of winter... but the weather was amazing! I didn't have to wear a jacket or mittens, and I walked all the way across campus outside to get to my first class (instead of walking through the school) because it was so late! I was ontime or early for all of my classes today, which rarely happens!!
I've had more than enough time lately to think things through and figure stuff out and I am confident that I am making wise decisions. It's not like I am quitting or giving up, I am just transfering schools. I know I will have people telling me otherwise, but I am not going to listen to their comments, because it's my life! AND it will be way better in the long run! I will be able to finish school sooner, have more options, be closer to Jordan and be happier!! I will totally miss the girls at school and Andrea, but it's not like I am leaving the country, I will be an extra hour away. No big deal, just another reason for people to visit the City of Champions (even though their champions are really losers now...)
What's sad is that I have it figured out in my head that I have to justify why I am transfering to the world, when I don't. If it were some irrational move then yes, but this is just another step along the path I am already walking!

... school's in and the stress returns...

Over the past four or five years I have started to panic when it comes time to making new friends and meeting new people. I will go out of my way to avoid being in a situation where I know I will be forced to meet new people.

Hell last semester in Spanish I would go to the bathroom when we had to do partner work and my usual partner was away. In English I barely said a word for the first month, and then made some amazing friends, and I don't want to make any more friends. In French, although I had it with one of my friends and two others I was growing close with - I never talked unless I had to. In Astro, I didn't meet a soul, sat by myself, and kept to myself. In sociology I sat with the same group of people every week - because they were the same as in my French class...  It took me months to develop a relationship with them. Why should I do it all over again - especially if I just end up transferring to Edmonton and doing it all over again.

I have a handful of people in my Spanish class from last semester my 'partner' dropped out because of personal reasons, so I am stuck with Geraldo... oh joy. In my EDPY class there is a guy from my English class. In my English class I got stuck with the most annoying girl from last semester and her THREE FRIENDS... there are four of them now... and they sat in front of me. (you're thinking, why don't you just move?! Because once I sit in a spot, that's where I will sit all year, I hate change... strange, odd and obsessive - yes... but I like routine). My math class was cancelled but I think there will be a few familiar faces there and I have no idea about EDUC, but I am panicking because a girl told me it was the most difficult class of her entire college career so far... ooooh boy!!

My school day went decently, I had a good chat with my Spanish instructor. And I managed to meet up with Trista, Jessi and Cassie and Janvier. Cassie and I have a lunch date on Friday. Jessi, Trista and I have vowed to meet up a couple times each week. It's nice that RDC is a small campus and we still run into eachother even though we don't have classes together.

I think it all relates back to some self esteem issues I developed a while back, but I just can't do it. I get anxious, I stress and I panic. It sounds stupid... but it happens. I turn down invites, I avoid making plans... anything to avoid it. It could also have to do with how I used to make friends too easily, I used to let everyone in and was getting let down, disappointed and hurt constantly.

It took me over two months to build the foundation of mine and Andrea's relationship... that is over two straight months of seeing her every day and every night, before I finally opened up.

I know I am probably missing out on some great times, and some great people because of this issue - but I don't care. I've tried to change, but I just get hurt.

Not many people understand, and it frustrates me. I hate being pushed, proded and told what to do. It takes me time, and I am not overexaggerating. It's how I work, you may think it's at a snails pace, and it may drive you crazy - but it's me.

... what do you do...?

So recently I have been overwhelmed with quite a few things, be it work, school or just news and information in general. These happenings have made me realize how lucky I am, and how I should be thankful for all that I have and concentrate on the good.

I am generally good at concentrating on the good, but I am only human and sometimes get lost.

This past month has been a difficult one for a handful of people in my life, as they have lost people that are close to them in tragic ways. Both were tragic, one was a freak accident the other not so much an accident but tragic nonetheless. Both were preventable, if someone had taken more time on the road, the accident could have been prevented and had the other one realized that life wasn't that bad, it could have ended differently. These moments make a person thankful for the support network that they lean on to help them make it through. It also makes you realize that you're grateful for what you have that is positive in your life.

Work has also made me realize that although I had a troubled childhood, it wasn't that bad. I always had a roof over my head, I always had a parent that loved me, I always had food on the table (not always healthy or in large quantities - but there was always food), I always had someone there supporting my decisions, I was cared for, I wasn't abused, I wasn't introduced to drugs or alcohol until older, I had a place to go on Christmas (not always presents or a big dinner - but I was always with family). This is something that numerous youth and children are missing from their lives and it breaks my heart.

So I guess over my winter break from school, I learned more than I did collectively last semester... at least more that will help me in life.

So next time you think the world is crashing down on you, or that you've had a bad day... Just think - you have a home, a permanent location. You have food in the fridge. You have clean clothes. You have full use of your body. You are loved. You have the ability to love. You have a hopeful future. You aren't alone.

Because there are countless of people who don't have those basic things... and what are we doing to help them? A whole lot of nothing in most cases, because they are forgotten, not talked about a lot, and looked down upon. These people need all the support, assistance and help they can have and yet the world is passing them by while they are at their most vunerable state.

gonezo....

So you may think I have gone off the deep end, you might think I am crazy, you might think I am stupid. Quite frankly I am to the point where I don’t care what people think. That’s one of the leading factors that caused my whole melt down today.


Chances are you haven’t figured out what I am referring to yet and I know some of you will act shocked, appalled and I am sure at least one of you will pretend you knew all along what happened.

I had enough of people’s comments, pettiness, high school attitudes and people spying on me. SO I took a huge step, and deleted my facebook account.

Now that you’re all in shock and taken aback, get over it.

Chances are if we have been friends for a while, you have another means of contacting me. Go back in time, do something old school – send me an e-mail, phone me or text me. I am done with facebook. I always seemed to tick someone off, or offend someone or get rude comments. So now I don’t have that worry. It’s all behind me.

Think my attitude is harsh, and that I am being a bitch?! I am. It’s not like me. BUT I don’t want to be walked all over and treated like shit because I have offended someone with my effing status, or a photo, or a post.

Is it permanent? Who knows? For now, I am done. I may start over and come back later. But I don’t want to have to deal with that anymore.

There will be no year in review...

I have tried writing a year in review twice now... I just don't like how it goes. I guess it could be because half of last year I don't really want to look back on. I am moving forward and that's what I wan to concentrate on. I like where last year has brought me, I like what I have learned in the past year. But there are some parts I wish I could erase... So instead of a year in review here are some lists (I am good at lists).

Things I learned in 2009

• Good things come to those who deserve them
• Things happen when they least expect it
• There comes a time when enough is enough
• It's ok to stand up for yourself, say no and be a bit selfish
• Sometimes cutting all ties with a person is deemed worthy
• It's ok to take chances
• It's ok to let go
• There comes a time when it's someone else's turn to take responsibilty
• I am not a superhero, miracle worker or perfect
• Love does exist
• Not to leave essays until the last minute
• Cheating sometimes works to your advantage (on exams) - until the final comes around
• To study harder, concentrate more on school work towards success
• Folky doesn't like super cold weather
• Nothing is ever as bad as we initially think
• Tomorrow is a new day, and it is what you make of it

Great things that happened in 2009

• I met the man of my dreams
• Kelly and Derek got married
• Baby Slade was born
• Mucho bonding time with Slade and Austin
• Grew closer with my mom
• Realized that even when you think someone hates you - it's possible there is some love in there somewhere.
• I worked for the Independent
• I quit my job (Independent and Michael Hill)
• I went back to school
• I met amazing friends (Andrea, Cassie, Jessi and Trista)
• I gained a new perspective on life
• Started my Dad book
• I tried new things (food, music, books and activities)

Things that made me a stronger person

• Realizing that I am worth more than I was aiming for
• Standing up for myself
• Changing my number, starting over and not looking back
• My Grandma's passing
• Disagreements with family
• Going back to school
• Leaving home (again - although it was more difficult this time around)
• A long distance relationship
• My amazing network of friends and family
• Finding ways to express myself and work through my issues, anger, hurt and disappointment
• Taking chances
• Cutting ties
  

I miss it...

I had a good chat with Curtis this morning about my writing and my work experience with newspapers. He asked if I missed it... and of course I do. I loved my job, I didn't like the position I was in, I didn't like how my hours were cut, and I didn't like my editor or the other reporter. I know I could have stuck it out and kept working there, and one day be the editor of all four papers... but I don't want to feel stuck. I wanted to be able to make enough money to live off of. Editors make enough money, but reporters don't.

Do I miss reporting?! HELLS YES!! I miss interviewing people... winter has been tough. I was the sports reporter, hockey was my baby... I went to more minor hockey games last year than most hockey parents. I saw my little neighbours win and lose many a game. I watched league championships, I watched them improve by leaps and bounds. I watched as visiting parents got escorted out of the arena and ours kept their cool even if we were down by 10+ goals.

I made it to every home game of our Junior B team, I was there even on my days off with my camera. While the other two staff would get a photo and leave, I would stay the whole game so I could write a decent story on the game. I called the head coach every Monday to get his comments, it became a ritual, I even did it the Monday after my grandma's death - even though I didn't go to work.

Sportswriting along with business writing were the two parts of writing I did horrible on in school - and I grew to love sports writing.

I got to interview members of the only girls basketball team from Wm. E. Hay to win provincials (50 years ago! I got to interview one of the Olympic medalists (from Stettler) who has the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch in the relay somewhere on Vancouver Island. I interviewed countless talented atheletes from the Bashaw and Stettler areas that are making great progress in their athletic careers.

My favourite stories were the feature stories the ones about local people who have gone on to do great things, the guy I went to junior high with that's playing professional hockey in the states, the guy I went to high school with that went to the winter universiad in Japan to play hockey for Canada. The list goes on and on.

I liked my job, I liked that I had local connections so that if I needed a story I could make a couple of calls and have my story. I liked that if I didn't have contact information about someone all I needed to do was call some friends or family and have my information.

I miss being stopped in the street and chatting about news and story ideas or getting feedback on that week's issue. I liked the fact that after a couple of months I had people calling and requesting that I cover their story or their event.

I had grown close to the rest of the ladies in the office, I had made relationships in the community that weren't there before... and everytime I go home, I am guaranteed to run into at least one person who comments on the difference in the paper since I have left. How does that make me feel? Happy, sad, confused, respected and it's a bit of an ego boost.

It makes me happy, respected and gives me an ego boost - because I know I didn't waste my time there. It means that people were reading my stories and enjoyed them. The little old ladies at church, who admit to hating sports - told me they read my section just because I wrote it.

It makes me sad, because I'm not there anymore and I don't like the direction the paper is going. I don't like reading the paper. I don't like the look of the sports pages. I don't like the layout. It just makes me sad to see all of the hard work I had put into improving those pages go down the drain.

It makes me confused because it makes me wonder if I made the right decision by leaving.

I know I made the right decision by leaving. Stettler is not home for me. Although I loved the job, I didn't love my immediate coworkers or the situation. I miss it yes, but I miss a lot of things. I knew it was time to move on, a time to start a new chapter and a time for me to grow as an individual.