I am exhausted. My eyes are burning (effing crying). My car is stranded in Edmonton alone and broken (the door won't latch, so it doesn't close or lock... oh joy. I hate airports, and airport goodbyes, and the way mcdonalds makes me feel...
On the upside - I like the car that I have to drive until Folky is fixed.
And I am not in a mood to blog so this will be short and not like my usual blogs...
We had a good weekend, had some friends over Saturday for a pot luck and visiting. It was a good time. That was about it... Jordan picked up his new car for the weekend, and broke my car door (intentionally I SWEAR so that he would be able to FORCE me to drive a Volvo and fall in love with it... damned guys... ;) I know he didn't do it on purpose, but I can pretend...)
On the way home I called my mom and told her about my car... her reply was along the lines of her laughing at me, telling me I found a keeper and to be careful because the car is worth more than my life... gotta love mothers.
My house is way too quiet - I am home alone and Salem won't come near me... he's pissed because Jordan is gone... I'm going to pop in a movie, and go to bed.
This is a lame post, I know - it was pretty much to let you all know that I am still alive, and that things are going ok...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
... speechless ...
Sometimes there isn't much you can say or do to change a situation or to help out. Even though that's all you want to do.
I ran into my neighbour from back home today, I've known her since she was like 8. She's almost like a little sister to me. Anyway I ran into her in the library. She looked like she needed a hug, so without asking I gave her one. And then asked how she was, she replied I'm ok, to which I said Hun, you're lying. What's up?! (thinking maybe her and her bf had broken up or something trivial) not prepared for her to tell me one of her closest friends (whom I have also known since he was like in kindergarten) had passed away after a long 5 or 6 year battle with cancer. I have her more hugs and told her that he had fought a hard fight but wasn't hurting anymore and that I was here if she needed me.
I have never lost a close friend, I've only lost one peer. I've lost nearly every man that's been close to me (father, grandpa, great uncles, uncles) and a grandpa and honorary grandparents. But that's about it. I don't even think anyone from my grad class has passed. Which is a good thing.
But for the first time, I can't offer advice or word of wisdoms.
He was a great kid, one of the smartest people I know, talented too. He was going places. And his life was cut short. Way too short. And his older brother has spent his life addicted to drugs and alcohol not a good plan for a diabetic. Its messed up how life works sometimes.
And for once I'm at a loss for words, it doesn't happen often.
I ran into my neighbour from back home today, I've known her since she was like 8. She's almost like a little sister to me. Anyway I ran into her in the library. She looked like she needed a hug, so without asking I gave her one. And then asked how she was, she replied I'm ok, to which I said Hun, you're lying. What's up?! (thinking maybe her and her bf had broken up or something trivial) not prepared for her to tell me one of her closest friends (whom I have also known since he was like in kindergarten) had passed away after a long 5 or 6 year battle with cancer. I have her more hugs and told her that he had fought a hard fight but wasn't hurting anymore and that I was here if she needed me.
I have never lost a close friend, I've only lost one peer. I've lost nearly every man that's been close to me (father, grandpa, great uncles, uncles) and a grandpa and honorary grandparents. But that's about it. I don't even think anyone from my grad class has passed. Which is a good thing.
But for the first time, I can't offer advice or word of wisdoms.
He was a great kid, one of the smartest people I know, talented too. He was going places. And his life was cut short. Way too short. And his older brother has spent his life addicted to drugs and alcohol not a good plan for a diabetic. Its messed up how life works sometimes.
And for once I'm at a loss for words, it doesn't happen often.
Monday, January 25, 2010
... glimmer of hope ...
Today, for the first day in a very long time, I had a glimmer of hope... no it was longer than a glimmer - perhaps a sliver. And it's still there, just not as prominent. I always have hope in somethings but I lost hope in this area a long time ago. What I am talking about is my mom's health.
I have always wanted to see my mom walk again. When I get married, if it is the traditional marriage cerimony - I have always wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle in the church where her and my father were married. But as it stands right now - she is not able to do that. I also want my mom to be the one I dance with for the 'traditional father daughter dance'. Because in essence the woman has been my mother and my father all rolled up into one. And as it stands right now - that won't be possible either.
*~*~*~ side note - I am not planning on getting married in the near future (FYI!) but the thing is she won't be getting better... but progressively worse, as she has over the past 20 years.
I want my mom to be able to play with my nephews and my children (one day), like she did with us before she got too bad. I want so many things when it comes to my mom, so many things that never seemed attainable or even imaginable. That was until December when the CCVSI study was released on W5. Because I am on the Board of Directors for the MS Society Central Alberta Chapter - I got a heads up that it would be on W5, and a bunch of information to prepare myself.
I didn't know what to think, I mean we have heard of so many studies and possible cures - but they're never for mom's type of MS, or she is to far progressed to be helped by the drugs... but this could possibly reverse the debilitating disease that took my mom's life and changed it all up, the disease that stole my childhood, the disesase that has caused so much turmoil within my family.
I would move mountains for the woman, I really would, and I could only say that for a handful of people. She is single-handedly one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life. She is the most amazing woman in my books, and she deserves more than a life of being stranded in a chair watching TV all day long, swimming three times a week and sleeping the rest because she has no energy. It's not fair.
I could play the whole it's not fair - there are people out there in the world who deserve bad things to happen to them, and this happend to my mom who had already lost a son and a husband and then had to raise a son and daughter on disability and watch as her young daughter took over the household duties... but I won't. Because in odd ways, the messed up disease has made my mom and I closer, strengthened our bond, caused my mom to find some unreal sense of positivity and strength I didn't think any individual could have... but sometimes it would just be easier to play the it's not fair card....
There's only one catch - it's not happening yet in Canada - it's close. There are a handful of places in the country that are testing to see if there are blockages in a person's veins. But they're mostly in private facilities - not something mom can afford. There have been a lot of neurologists putting pressure on the U of A Hospital to start doing the testing, and I hope with every fiber of my being that they do. I hope for myself, I hope for all of the kids from the camp group from last spring, I hope for my mom, I hope for those kids' parents, and all of the people on the Board and their significant others and the countless other people that I have met with MS and those I haven't.
I am going to a seminar type deal that the best neurologist in Red Deer is hosting in conjunction with the MS Society on Feb. 2, to hear more up-to-date information on what is being done in Canada.
I haven't prayed this hard in a long time, I want to see my mom walk, I want to see my mom gain back the independence she was stripped of 20 years ago, I want so much for her because of what she has had to give up.
So I had hope it was bright and strong and now it's a bit dimmer - but it is there... I have watched my mom progress from being fully able bodied to using a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair, and in and out of hospitals over my life... I would give anything to watch that in reverse... I know it wouldn't be an easy recovery, but the woman can do it, she has the strength and I would be there by her side the whole way - just as she has always been by my side.
I have always wanted to see my mom walk again. When I get married, if it is the traditional marriage cerimony - I have always wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle in the church where her and my father were married. But as it stands right now - she is not able to do that. I also want my mom to be the one I dance with for the 'traditional father daughter dance'. Because in essence the woman has been my mother and my father all rolled up into one. And as it stands right now - that won't be possible either.
*~*~*~ side note - I am not planning on getting married in the near future (FYI!) but the thing is she won't be getting better... but progressively worse, as she has over the past 20 years.
I want my mom to be able to play with my nephews and my children (one day), like she did with us before she got too bad. I want so many things when it comes to my mom, so many things that never seemed attainable or even imaginable. That was until December when the CCVSI study was released on W5. Because I am on the Board of Directors for the MS Society Central Alberta Chapter - I got a heads up that it would be on W5, and a bunch of information to prepare myself.
I didn't know what to think, I mean we have heard of so many studies and possible cures - but they're never for mom's type of MS, or she is to far progressed to be helped by the drugs... but this could possibly reverse the debilitating disease that took my mom's life and changed it all up, the disease that stole my childhood, the disesase that has caused so much turmoil within my family.
I would move mountains for the woman, I really would, and I could only say that for a handful of people. She is single-handedly one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life. She is the most amazing woman in my books, and she deserves more than a life of being stranded in a chair watching TV all day long, swimming three times a week and sleeping the rest because she has no energy. It's not fair.
I could play the whole it's not fair - there are people out there in the world who deserve bad things to happen to them, and this happend to my mom who had already lost a son and a husband and then had to raise a son and daughter on disability and watch as her young daughter took over the household duties... but I won't. Because in odd ways, the messed up disease has made my mom and I closer, strengthened our bond, caused my mom to find some unreal sense of positivity and strength I didn't think any individual could have... but sometimes it would just be easier to play the it's not fair card....
There's only one catch - it's not happening yet in Canada - it's close. There are a handful of places in the country that are testing to see if there are blockages in a person's veins. But they're mostly in private facilities - not something mom can afford. There have been a lot of neurologists putting pressure on the U of A Hospital to start doing the testing, and I hope with every fiber of my being that they do. I hope for myself, I hope for all of the kids from the camp group from last spring, I hope for my mom, I hope for those kids' parents, and all of the people on the Board and their significant others and the countless other people that I have met with MS and those I haven't.
I am going to a seminar type deal that the best neurologist in Red Deer is hosting in conjunction with the MS Society on Feb. 2, to hear more up-to-date information on what is being done in Canada.
I haven't prayed this hard in a long time, I want to see my mom walk, I want to see my mom gain back the independence she was stripped of 20 years ago, I want so much for her because of what she has had to give up.
So I had hope it was bright and strong and now it's a bit dimmer - but it is there... I have watched my mom progress from being fully able bodied to using a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair, and in and out of hospitals over my life... I would give anything to watch that in reverse... I know it wouldn't be an easy recovery, but the woman can do it, she has the strength and I would be there by her side the whole way - just as she has always been by my side.
... the lost is found ...
YES! My binder was found, and given to my math teacher, who kept it safe over the weekend for me! I got it today (too late to study for anything, but I have it nonetheless).
Math will seriously be the death of me... I am understanding it, but I often find myself making stupid mistakes if I don't concentrate well enough. On our 'quiz' today we had the option of using the text or working with a partner Melissa, Sam (girl Sam... I haven't seen boy Sam yet this semester... odd...) and I ended up working together. But we didn't get done, a lot of people didn't because he decided we had to learn to work withing time constraints (would have been nice for a heads up old man).
The math instructor told us on the first day he is partially deaf - and he was not lying. If you don't speak your answers or questions LOUDLY, he won't hear it. Just like I am sure he doesn't hear the annoying jackasses in the back who talk incessentaly, making it nearly impossible to concentrate on math or what the instructor is saying. Sam yelled at them to shut up, and they didn't even hear her. Vanissa finally told them to grow up and they shut up for a good ten minutes. If it is a problem on Wednesday I will e-mail the instructor. The same group of individuals got kept after class (hahahaha) in EDUC and caught supreme shit... and the instructor of that class is the head of the Middle Years Program (keep it up guys, and you won't get into Middle YEars!).
That's my rant for the day. Not even going to rant about the old lady in English, because I have began to tune her and her rediculous comments and questions out.
I had a good chat with Jessi today on my lunch break, we met up in the library. She's been helpful this past month and can always find a way to cheer me up... she's more random than I am (yup, it's possible!).
Math will seriously be the death of me... I am understanding it, but I often find myself making stupid mistakes if I don't concentrate well enough. On our 'quiz' today we had the option of using the text or working with a partner Melissa, Sam (girl Sam... I haven't seen boy Sam yet this semester... odd...) and I ended up working together. But we didn't get done, a lot of people didn't because he decided we had to learn to work withing time constraints (would have been nice for a heads up old man).
The math instructor told us on the first day he is partially deaf - and he was not lying. If you don't speak your answers or questions LOUDLY, he won't hear it. Just like I am sure he doesn't hear the annoying jackasses in the back who talk incessentaly, making it nearly impossible to concentrate on math or what the instructor is saying. Sam yelled at them to shut up, and they didn't even hear her. Vanissa finally told them to grow up and they shut up for a good ten minutes. If it is a problem on Wednesday I will e-mail the instructor. The same group of individuals got kept after class (hahahaha) in EDUC and caught supreme shit... and the instructor of that class is the head of the Middle Years Program (keep it up guys, and you won't get into Middle YEars!).
That's my rant for the day. Not even going to rant about the old lady in English, because I have began to tune her and her rediculous comments and questions out.
I had a good chat with Jessi today on my lunch break, we met up in the library. She's been helpful this past month and can always find a way to cheer me up... she's more random than I am (yup, it's possible!).
Sunday, January 24, 2010
... just venting a bit...
I thought I had left my binder at home yesterday - well it turns out that the binder is not in my house, car or locker... It has not been turned into security or the library.... SO I have to wait until Monday to see if I left it in my English or Math classrooms... that really helps me prepare for my Spanish, EDPY and Math tests!! I have math covered, will manage with Spanish and EDPY because of the text - but I am still freaking out a bit. Takes a lot of talent to be able to forget a binder, but remember a clipboard, backpack and a ton of texts!!
I just needed to vent a bit about that so I can try and concentrate on Bloom's Taxonomy... I have finished studying two of the three theorists... just have one left after Bloom's Taxonomy.... AND then Spanish. I also have a couple hours tomorrow morning to study for Spanish... And an hour for math after Spanish. Hamlet is going to have to wait another day to be read. (shux!)
This weekend has been much better in comparison to last!! Like polar opposites! Things are finally starting to go a bit better, I am happier, less stressed (depsite the studying and binder fiasco!!), and I am relaxed.
I say that but I still have no patience for certain things, and have become kind of self absorbed... but that's just because I need to kick ass on these tests. That and because there is only so much drama and shit I can take from other people before I snap or break or blow up. None of those situations would be pretty so I try to avoid it from happening. I have moved past my shitty week, dealt with it... I have dealt with my family drama, because it doesn't affect me directly - there is nothing I can do... doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry. And by the time all that is done, stresses of finding random parttime jobs and my full course load... I don't seem to have the patience or ability to deal with other people's stuff... I feel like I have failed, but I mean - my cup is full... and I don't want it to overflow...
I probably don't make any sense... after this amount of time of reading about cognitive development and educational psychology theorists I think I am a bit more loopy than I was before...
Back to the books....
I just needed to vent a bit about that so I can try and concentrate on Bloom's Taxonomy... I have finished studying two of the three theorists... just have one left after Bloom's Taxonomy.... AND then Spanish. I also have a couple hours tomorrow morning to study for Spanish... And an hour for math after Spanish. Hamlet is going to have to wait another day to be read. (shux!)
This weekend has been much better in comparison to last!! Like polar opposites! Things are finally starting to go a bit better, I am happier, less stressed (depsite the studying and binder fiasco!!), and I am relaxed.
I say that but I still have no patience for certain things, and have become kind of self absorbed... but that's just because I need to kick ass on these tests. That and because there is only so much drama and shit I can take from other people before I snap or break or blow up. None of those situations would be pretty so I try to avoid it from happening. I have moved past my shitty week, dealt with it... I have dealt with my family drama, because it doesn't affect me directly - there is nothing I can do... doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry. And by the time all that is done, stresses of finding random parttime jobs and my full course load... I don't seem to have the patience or ability to deal with other people's stuff... I feel like I have failed, but I mean - my cup is full... and I don't want it to overflow...
I probably don't make any sense... after this amount of time of reading about cognitive development and educational psychology theorists I think I am a bit more loopy than I was before...
Back to the books....
Saturday, January 23, 2010
... go figure ....
So here I am, in the library, I grabbed the last table with a comfy chair (like one from a living room... comfy like a couch!!)... I knew I packed all of my text books, extra paper, pens, my clipboard, my phone charger (phone was dying), enough snacks to last until the library closes... what did I forget?! My binder - with all of my notes... I can study out of the text books for now, and use my notes tonight or tomorrow.
My computer automatically signs into MSN for me, and one of my best friend's little brothers is online. I love the kid like he's my own little brother, I have lived 8-10 hours away from them forever, but I have watched him grow from a tiny scrawny 6 year old to a scrawny eleventh grader... Might I add a world class fencer?! Not world class yet, but I have no doubts that he will make it to the Olympics one day, he is already competing with people beyond his age division. He and I talked about how he was trying out for the Arctic Games, and I knew he'd make it, but he had some doubts - we had a little pep talk and I think he felt better. I talked to his sister a couple weeks ago, and she was up north visiting her family and she told me that he made the cut - he is going to be competing! And I was beyond thrilled, excited and proud of the little guy!! I texted him a bit on his sisters phone and let him know how I felt. He said he was surprised I cared! I reassured him that I care for him like he was my own brother. Anyway we're chatting now about the games! I am sooo excited for him, and I hope that his sister decides to head up north to watch him compete because if she does, I would kill to tag along and cheer him on!!!
That was my exciting news! Oh I have a bit more - I have a babysitting job - that I hope will make me tons and tons of money! I have a couple other intersted families too, hopefully they will call soon!! I could really use the extra money!
Ok - now to go study Math (which I totally understand the two concepts we will be tested on them, but there are parts I would never be able to teach to a class of elementary students... out instructor doesn't understand that... oooh well as long as I pass the class!!), Educational Psychology and Spanish!!! AND read Hamlet (again, for the third time!!), unfortunately for me, I have forgotten everything about Hamlet... grr... I am considering buying the sparknotes and reading them....
My computer automatically signs into MSN for me, and one of my best friend's little brothers is online. I love the kid like he's my own little brother, I have lived 8-10 hours away from them forever, but I have watched him grow from a tiny scrawny 6 year old to a scrawny eleventh grader... Might I add a world class fencer?! Not world class yet, but I have no doubts that he will make it to the Olympics one day, he is already competing with people beyond his age division. He and I talked about how he was trying out for the Arctic Games, and I knew he'd make it, but he had some doubts - we had a little pep talk and I think he felt better. I talked to his sister a couple weeks ago, and she was up north visiting her family and she told me that he made the cut - he is going to be competing! And I was beyond thrilled, excited and proud of the little guy!! I texted him a bit on his sisters phone and let him know how I felt. He said he was surprised I cared! I reassured him that I care for him like he was my own brother. Anyway we're chatting now about the games! I am sooo excited for him, and I hope that his sister decides to head up north to watch him compete because if she does, I would kill to tag along and cheer him on!!!
That was my exciting news! Oh I have a bit more - I have a babysitting job - that I hope will make me tons and tons of money! I have a couple other intersted families too, hopefully they will call soon!! I could really use the extra money!
Ok - now to go study Math (which I totally understand the two concepts we will be tested on them, but there are parts I would never be able to teach to a class of elementary students... out instructor doesn't understand that... oooh well as long as I pass the class!!), Educational Psychology and Spanish!!! AND read Hamlet (again, for the third time!!), unfortunately for me, I have forgotten everything about Hamlet... grr... I am considering buying the sparknotes and reading them....
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
... something new...
So for Christmas from a friend I got a handy dandy day calendar with a different quote each day about friendship... I secretly vowed to wite up a quick blog each day about the daily quote... only I haven't posted them... and we're on day 19... so I will condense them and post them in a couple of posts - rather than 19...
January 1
"Friendship is the wine of life."
~Edward Young
We've all heard interpretations of this quotation, how they grow better with age.Which they do, a friend that you have had for a long time, is an amazing blessing. But that isn't to say that the newer friends aren't as good... because sometimes they are, sometimes the exceed expectations.
January2/3
"The essence of true friendship is to make allowance for another's little lapses."
~David Storey
Oh how I agree with this one, especially as of late... I haven't been the most supportive, I have had a hanful of little lapses... I have almost missed birthdays... I haven't checked in, I haven't kept updated, I haven't shared news or even talked to some of my good friends lately. But that's where this quote steps in, a good friend will understand without being angry, and will not be upset with me... that is a true friend.
January 4
"Sometimes, friendship means thinking with your heart and not your head."
~Will Robinson
Whomever Will Robinson is/was he is a brilliant individual, and spoke wisely. Sometimes our head will tell us one thing and our heart will speak another; and we have no idea which to do. A good friend, will follow whichever feels best, sometimes you're heart wins the battle, and it pays off. Sometimes when you follow your head you realize you weren't thinking clearly in the beginning and you may have gone the wrong way. It's all about taking chances and thinking about what is best for you - and the friend(s) involved.
January 5
"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
~Anatole Broyard
I agree with this one as well, a good friend will always speak the truth (even when it will hurt), because if you can't expect the truth from your friends, the people you trust and keep closest to you, who can you expect the truth from? Sure it may sting at the time, but one will realize that the truth is something to be valued, something to embrace. Honesty is key in any relationship.
January 6
"Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind are agreed."
~Cicero
Who would have thought that there would be a single thing that nearly every human being would be able to have some sort of agreeance on? And who would have thought it would be as simple as friendship?! It's true though, everyone needs to have some sort of friend in order to get through... can you imagine not having any friend?! Not a single friend? I mean there were times when I felt like I didn't have a single friend in the world - but I always had my mom, or a pet, or people I talked to online (geeky, but true). No one said that a friend had to be someone your age, or someone like you, or even a human for that matter - many people become friends with their pets (and that is considered to be somewhat normal... depending on the degree of friendship I guess...).
That's all for tonight... my brain is turning to mush!! But there will be more tomorrow!!!
January 1
"Friendship is the wine of life."
~Edward Young
We've all heard interpretations of this quotation, how they grow better with age.Which they do, a friend that you have had for a long time, is an amazing blessing. But that isn't to say that the newer friends aren't as good... because sometimes they are, sometimes the exceed expectations.
January2/3
"The essence of true friendship is to make allowance for another's little lapses."
~David Storey
Oh how I agree with this one, especially as of late... I haven't been the most supportive, I have had a hanful of little lapses... I have almost missed birthdays... I haven't checked in, I haven't kept updated, I haven't shared news or even talked to some of my good friends lately. But that's where this quote steps in, a good friend will understand without being angry, and will not be upset with me... that is a true friend.
January 4
"Sometimes, friendship means thinking with your heart and not your head."
~Will Robinson
Whomever Will Robinson is/was he is a brilliant individual, and spoke wisely. Sometimes our head will tell us one thing and our heart will speak another; and we have no idea which to do. A good friend, will follow whichever feels best, sometimes you're heart wins the battle, and it pays off. Sometimes when you follow your head you realize you weren't thinking clearly in the beginning and you may have gone the wrong way. It's all about taking chances and thinking about what is best for you - and the friend(s) involved.
January 5
"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
~Anatole Broyard
I agree with this one as well, a good friend will always speak the truth (even when it will hurt), because if you can't expect the truth from your friends, the people you trust and keep closest to you, who can you expect the truth from? Sure it may sting at the time, but one will realize that the truth is something to be valued, something to embrace. Honesty is key in any relationship.
January 6
"Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind are agreed."
~Cicero
Who would have thought that there would be a single thing that nearly every human being would be able to have some sort of agreeance on? And who would have thought it would be as simple as friendship?! It's true though, everyone needs to have some sort of friend in order to get through... can you imagine not having any friend?! Not a single friend? I mean there were times when I felt like I didn't have a single friend in the world - but I always had my mom, or a pet, or people I talked to online (geeky, but true). No one said that a friend had to be someone your age, or someone like you, or even a human for that matter - many people become friends with their pets (and that is considered to be somewhat normal... depending on the degree of friendship I guess...).
That's all for tonight... my brain is turning to mush!! But there will be more tomorrow!!!
... something old, something new and something old-new...
I have also become better friends with acquaintances from my past- some of them I never though I would see again or speak to again until I realized that I have a lot in common with them, or a lot to learn from them.
I have also lost touch with some friends - which is sad, but it happens. I know if our paths ever cross again, we will pick up where we left off.
I have met a handful of friends since moving to Red Deer. I can honestly say I never thought any of them would have become as important or as meaningful as they have. This group of ladies has touched my life in countless ways. They have helped me celebrated good grades, good news and happy days.They have been there for me when I bambed an assignment or test (even if they aced it), whe I quit my job, when I ran out of money, when I have had family problems, been lost, confused and lonely.
I didn't realize that they cared or that we had transformed from classmates to friends until I got a stern lecture from three of them, in front of most of our English class about worrying them like crazy when I decided to brave the roads during a horrid winter storm.
I am not sure when I had my so called break-through with Andrea, but I am sure it involved food, TV or tears.
What I am saying is I am grateful for all of you - my old friends, my new-old friends, my new friends and the ones that have moved on. Each of you have helped me become the person I am today.
... life is an experiment...
I got a text from a friend last night, she knows I haven't been having the greatest time lately, but has been very supportive even though she has a lot on her own plate.
"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better"
~Ralph Waldo Emmerson.
Each individual can interpret the quote in their own way but through my eyes it means to take chances - and if you take chances then you will better yourself in one way or another.
If you don't take chances ... - If you don't ask someone that question... If you don't apply for that job... If you don't move on... If you don't apply for that scholarship... - you will never know, you will always wonder 'what if' and you will only hurt yourself.
So my friends what I guess I am saying is don't let what society says constrict you - follow your dreams, take chances and step out of the box you have created for yourself. The view from the top of the box is a much more beautiful view.
... I dropped the ball...
The worst feeling in the world is knowing that you let someone down. I think I could take just about any feeling over that one. Knowing that you let someone down, that you dropped the ball totally takes the ball in the department of screw ups. And sadly enough it seems like I perfected that department a while back.
The stupid thing is I was just simply overwhelmed, which made me seem selfish and not excited for someone's big news. I am over the moon excited, I just lacked to show it because it comes with huge changes in both of our lives. So I freaked a bit. Lame excuse I know, I should have been more supportive and all of that. It was completely unlike me, I am usually super understanding, supportive and able to see the bigger picture and the good in things... I dropped the ball, and it was probably the worst time to ever drop the ball.
On the flipside - things are looking up!! LIKE WAY UP! And I am very excited about that!! 2010 will come with big changes, but for the better, and I am totally looking forward to it!
The stupid thing is I was just simply overwhelmed, which made me seem selfish and not excited for someone's big news. I am over the moon excited, I just lacked to show it because it comes with huge changes in both of our lives. So I freaked a bit. Lame excuse I know, I should have been more supportive and all of that. It was completely unlike me, I am usually super understanding, supportive and able to see the bigger picture and the good in things... I dropped the ball, and it was probably the worst time to ever drop the ball.
On the flipside - things are looking up!! LIKE WAY UP! And I am very excited about that!! 2010 will come with big changes, but for the better, and I am totally looking forward to it!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
... a bit of a rollercoaster ride...
I hate hate hate rollercoasters, but that's how my today has played out. The smallest things would upset me today, and I have absolutely no reasoning to why. But do I seriously need a reason to have an off day?? I mean it would make things a lot easier to understand...
I spent the morning catching up on neglected e-mails.Then I made banana chocolate chip pancakes... And after that I started on my lasagna... which meant a trip to the grocery store... which led to two grocery stores because I couldn't find a couple of ingredients... Once I had the meat and sauce mixed and ready to start building the lasagna - I realized I had forgotten to buy the darned noodles... which meant another trip to the grocery store. I was certainly frustrated, especially with myself. Who forgets the darned noodles?! It seems like a small petty thing now, but at the time I felt stupid and angry with myself. That's how most of my day went. And it rubbed off onto the people I intereacted with today. Which I apologize for. It's fine, I can have an off day, I can be in a bitchy mood, I can be grouchy - but when I transfer that onto other people it's gone too far.
It took me almost all day to get out of my funk, and realize that - YES I did spill nearly HALF of my caramel macchiato down the front of my brand new cute blue sweater in the middle of Chapters, and YES I did lose my bank card between Winners and Andrea's car... and YES I did say some stupid things that were taken in the wrong context to a handful of people today.... BUT it was a nice day, I accomplished a LOT. I made stellar pancakes, and an amazing lasagna and waiting for my mini meatloaves to come out of the oven... oooh and they're out - and look kind of cute, and taste grrreat!!
It took Andrea laughing at me, with coffee running down my sweater to realize that life isn't as horrible as I was making it out to be.
I received two random facebook messages today from people I haven't heard from in a while. One a distant relative. The other used to date one of my brother's friends... and we've become friends. They were pick me ups, I guess sometimes it's hard to realize that people care, even if they aren't in your close circle of friends. These messages made me re-realize (now I am making words up!!) that people care. Not that I ever doubted people, but it's nice to know people care.
I have a lot of good things going for me right now, more than I have ever had going for me in a long long LONG time. I have some of the most amazing friends I have ever had (including the core group that have always stuck by me); my family is ok - in relatively good health (not really, but it could be worse... we're all still kicking!); I love love love this semester (even I do hate math - it is kind of interesting... don't say a word Jordan!!!!); I am making new friends (even after I said I wouldn't); I enjoy my job, the people I work with and the youth (even if I often find myself overwhelmed by the situations the youth face on a daily basis) and soon - very soon I won't be thousands of kilometers away from Jordan (the best of all!!).
... and to top it off I got back at Andrea by laughing at her... she is wearing a 'rubber finger' so she can flip through pages faster... she was super excited about it... hmmm... anyone think we're a good match as roommates?!
So yes, today was a rollercoaster ride... most of it was pretty low, but now I'm back at the top, and I plan on staying up there.
I spent the morning catching up on neglected e-mails.Then I made banana chocolate chip pancakes... And after that I started on my lasagna... which meant a trip to the grocery store... which led to two grocery stores because I couldn't find a couple of ingredients... Once I had the meat and sauce mixed and ready to start building the lasagna - I realized I had forgotten to buy the darned noodles... which meant another trip to the grocery store. I was certainly frustrated, especially with myself. Who forgets the darned noodles?! It seems like a small petty thing now, but at the time I felt stupid and angry with myself. That's how most of my day went. And it rubbed off onto the people I intereacted with today. Which I apologize for. It's fine, I can have an off day, I can be in a bitchy mood, I can be grouchy - but when I transfer that onto other people it's gone too far.
It took me almost all day to get out of my funk, and realize that - YES I did spill nearly HALF of my caramel macchiato down the front of my brand new cute blue sweater in the middle of Chapters, and YES I did lose my bank card between Winners and Andrea's car... and YES I did say some stupid things that were taken in the wrong context to a handful of people today.... BUT it was a nice day, I accomplished a LOT. I made stellar pancakes, and an amazing lasagna and waiting for my mini meatloaves to come out of the oven... oooh and they're out - and look kind of cute, and taste grrreat!!
It took Andrea laughing at me, with coffee running down my sweater to realize that life isn't as horrible as I was making it out to be.
I received two random facebook messages today from people I haven't heard from in a while. One a distant relative. The other used to date one of my brother's friends... and we've become friends. They were pick me ups, I guess sometimes it's hard to realize that people care, even if they aren't in your close circle of friends. These messages made me re-realize (now I am making words up!!) that people care. Not that I ever doubted people, but it's nice to know people care.
I have a lot of good things going for me right now, more than I have ever had going for me in a long long LONG time. I have some of the most amazing friends I have ever had (including the core group that have always stuck by me); my family is ok - in relatively good health (not really, but it could be worse... we're all still kicking!); I love love love this semester (even I do hate math - it is kind of interesting... don't say a word Jordan!!!!); I am making new friends (even after I said I wouldn't); I enjoy my job, the people I work with and the youth (even if I often find myself overwhelmed by the situations the youth face on a daily basis) and soon - very soon I won't be thousands of kilometers away from Jordan (the best of all!!).
... and to top it off I got back at Andrea by laughing at her... she is wearing a 'rubber finger' so she can flip through pages faster... she was super excited about it... hmmm... anyone think we're a good match as roommates?!
So yes, today was a rollercoaster ride... most of it was pretty low, but now I'm back at the top, and I plan on staying up there.
... not a fan of today ...
I am in a blah mood. I knew this was coming, and I am stuck. I toyed with the idea of going to a movie today after talking about a bunch of the new ones at work last night. I had it between two movies, one which Jordan wants to see too, so scratched that and the other is a sappy love movie and if I were to go today that wouldn't make my mood any better, but worse.
So here I sit, on the couch in my pyjamas with lots to do but nothing I want to do. I need to feel motivated, or inspired... hahah. This post is in contradiction with the last bunch I have written. I'm just having an off day, and have no one to talk to it with because they're all at work or busy... and I can't trouble my mom she's not doing great herself right now and my problems won't help her out... but make her worry about things she can't help with.
How sad is it that sometimes I just want to forget about my own mother?! That way I don't worry about her. I don't actually want to forget about her. That sounds awfully cold. But I just wish that someone else would worry about her too... or be concerned... So I check in on a daily basis with her, but in between I try to pretend everything is all okay. Knowing fully well it isn't, no matter how hard she tries to lie about it. In my eyes the woman has a year, maybe two left on her own. And I know exactly who will be the one going home to pack her, move her and clean her house when that time comes.
I wish my homework would do its self, same with the laundry and baking .... and that Monday were here. At least with school I get to see people and be busy and all that stuff.
So here I go, I will take out a bunch of bananas for baking and go get my text books. I have to write my great teachers paper, why I want to be a teacher assignment, study for Spanish, Spanish homework, study for EDPY EDUC and math... and maybe scrapbook in there too.
So here I sit, on the couch in my pyjamas with lots to do but nothing I want to do. I need to feel motivated, or inspired... hahah. This post is in contradiction with the last bunch I have written. I'm just having an off day, and have no one to talk to it with because they're all at work or busy... and I can't trouble my mom she's not doing great herself right now and my problems won't help her out... but make her worry about things she can't help with.
How sad is it that sometimes I just want to forget about my own mother?! That way I don't worry about her. I don't actually want to forget about her. That sounds awfully cold. But I just wish that someone else would worry about her too... or be concerned... So I check in on a daily basis with her, but in between I try to pretend everything is all okay. Knowing fully well it isn't, no matter how hard she tries to lie about it. In my eyes the woman has a year, maybe two left on her own. And I know exactly who will be the one going home to pack her, move her and clean her house when that time comes.
I wish my homework would do its self, same with the laundry and baking .... and that Monday were here. At least with school I get to see people and be busy and all that stuff.
So here I go, I will take out a bunch of bananas for baking and go get my text books. I have to write my great teachers paper, why I want to be a teacher assignment, study for Spanish, Spanish homework, study for EDPY EDUC and math... and maybe scrapbook in there too.
... exhausted... ****edited****
Here's today in point form... and my goals for tomorrow... I may expand later...
I have expanded - the bold is an explanation of all the happenings!!
Today
Tomorrow
I have expanded - the bold is an explanation of all the happenings!!
Today
- old lady in English - drives me batty. - Said lady is in her 50's or 60's kudos to her on going back to college. I guess it couldn't have been an easy decision and stuff... but she is 'slow' and makes some comments that are waaaay out there. I mean I guess I shouldn't rag - she participates in class more than me, but sometimes her opinons should be kept to herself. I am sure Sam, likes being referred to as 'that girl' every day. And I know I certianly didn't appreciate her calling me and the rest of my generation ZOMBIES because we were raised differently than her... but I chuckled at it anyway. She adds some zest to the class, but can be annoying - but can't we all?!
- rude remark in Math (requires me to draw a triple venn diagram)
- missed Olympic Torch relay - I had been looking forward to seeing the Torch Relay for weeks, but got called into work because one of the girls was sick. There's no way I was turning down a shift... had I said no, I would have been shuffled to the bottom of the relief list the next time they did callouts! I had a good shift. I had the opportunity to bond with some of the youth. The one boy (even if he was creepy) that I had manged to bond with before had been discharged. We had a boatload of paperwork to do, but it went by quickly. I love the job, I love working with the youth, we have some pretty exceptional ones right now. But they have managed to get themselves into trouble yet again. Thankfully I wasn't working the shift where 911 was called. I would have freaked. It's sad sometimes, the things these kids have witnessed, participated in and experienced in their short lives...
- bonding
- paperwork
- work
- crayon story - The other day my mom had Austin (7-year-old nephew) after school and overnight. She realized after he was in bed that his snowpants and his winter jacket were SOAKED (from the melting snow outside!)... so she decided to throw his CUTE camo jacket and pants into the dryer.... only to find the next morning that they now appeared to look like my innocent nephew had gone on a paintballing rampage... I guess that's what happens when a little kid leaves a package of crayons in their jacket and poor old grandma puts them it in the dryer... I got a good laugh out of it... but laughed even harder when mom told me that her dryer was coated in wax crayons. My sister in law was kind enough to clean the dryer out for mom, removed all the wax... and Austin was adament he did not steal the crayons, that they were from BP's... mom the whole time reassured the little gaffer that she didn't doubt him, but that she wished he would have put them with his school supplies.
- me boys - I went home Thursday to do some car insurance stuff, cooked dinner for mom and visited a bit. She isn't doing so hot. But I didn't make many comments, I try not to let on that I know as much as I know. She didn't leave her chair the whole three or four hours I was there. I wonder how often she does leave it when noone is around. It makes me worry. A LOT. After that I made a quick visit to my brother and sister in law's. And had a spectacular visit with my boys!! I can't believe how much they are growing! I love going to their house because before I even drive in the drive way, Austin is usually waiting outside for me and then Slade comes a cruising when I walk through the door! I got lots of cuddle time in. I love playing with the boys, and visiting with them... it is my mission to make one of Slade's next words out of his mouth be AUNTIE! He has three teeth and is sooo close to walking... I got him to take five steps on his own!! Before long he will be terrorizing the house!! And Austin is growing and still my little nerd!
To which the male student answered - "One at a time or all three" To which the male instructor said "YES! RIGHT! Just like with girls right?!" to which the classroom had a wide variety of reactions, some laughed, some looked appauled, some didn't seem to care. I thought it was rather awkward for a teacher in his 60's to make a comment like that.. but that's just me...
Tomorrow
- use up all the bananas in baking - I only used three... but maybe soon I will do some more baking.
- make lasagna - I succeeded in this! It tastes amazing!!!
- write my educ paper - Not such a success... maybe tomorrow...
- study math, educ, edpy, spanish - Tomorrow....
- go for a walk - Tomorrow...
- blog - success!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
... I am inspired ...
So for my EDUC (Profession of Teaching) class, we're discussing what it takes to make a great teacher and the great teachers that have impacted our lives. We've been assigned to make contact with one of our memorable teachers and let them know how they've impacted our lives.
I haven't done this yet, I haven't picked my teacher. I think I might pick two and go from there. I have until Friday to finish that. It's mainly because teachers don't always get the credit they deserve. It's amazing to hear some of the replies that people have received from their memorable teachers. It's inspiring in a way.
Our first big assignment is to either interview a memorable teacher of ours, or to watch a teaching movie (we were given a list to select from) and analyze what makes the teacher in the movie a great teacher.
The movie I picked is one of my all time favourite movies, and I have read the book a half dozen times. The book and the movie both were extremely inspirational and they both display why I want to become a teacher. The movie is The Freedom Writers. I don't expect to change as many lives, or touch as many lives as Erin Gruwell did in her classrooms, but if I can touch a few lives, inspire a few students then I will be successful.
Erin was a first year teacher, and even when she was in over her head, she didn't give up - she kept going and found a way to reach a group of youth that everyone else had given up on.
So if you've read the book or watched the movie, you might understand what I am saying.
Now I am setting out to try and find a way to contact the two teachers that made the biggest impact on my life.
I haven't done this yet, I haven't picked my teacher. I think I might pick two and go from there. I have until Friday to finish that. It's mainly because teachers don't always get the credit they deserve. It's amazing to hear some of the replies that people have received from their memorable teachers. It's inspiring in a way.
Our first big assignment is to either interview a memorable teacher of ours, or to watch a teaching movie (we were given a list to select from) and analyze what makes the teacher in the movie a great teacher.
The movie I picked is one of my all time favourite movies, and I have read the book a half dozen times. The book and the movie both were extremely inspirational and they both display why I want to become a teacher. The movie is The Freedom Writers. I don't expect to change as many lives, or touch as many lives as Erin Gruwell did in her classrooms, but if I can touch a few lives, inspire a few students then I will be successful.
Erin was a first year teacher, and even when she was in over her head, she didn't give up - she kept going and found a way to reach a group of youth that everyone else had given up on.
So if you've read the book or watched the movie, you might understand what I am saying.
Now I am setting out to try and find a way to contact the two teachers that made the biggest impact on my life.
Monday, January 11, 2010
... I'm in control....
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
I completely believe in this quote, I was also told once by a wise individual that in essence you control your own moods to an extent.
I know sometimes the mood thing is completely out of our hands, but when I think I am in such a situation I just try and look at the bigger picture.
I remind myself of the good things I have in my life - I have a place to live, I have food in my fridge, a safe place to go at night, I am getting an education, I have an amazing set of friends and an amazing mother, I am in good health, I have hope, I have faith, I believe, I have dreams, I have an amazing boyfriend who has also become one of my closest friends.... I try my hardest to remind myself of all of these things and hope that to myself in my upset state that these things outweigh whatever seems to be getting me down.
For example - today started as a pretty shitty day. But I chose to take the information I had and take a positive spin on it. Which is possible with just about anything if you try hard enough. I reassured myself that things were fine and in actuality they are better than that. But by consciously deciding to get my ass out of bed, hold my head high and put a smile on my face I actively made a decision to try and have a good day. That smile lasted because I didn't have to warm my car up, and the weather was beautiful, and I was on time for my 8am class, finished my English homework, was early for Spanish, got my payment plan for my Spanish class, got transfer information and was early for Math and English. The weather was even nicer when I left the school so I was in a great mood, the snow is melting, I don't have to wear winter clothes right now - I LOVE IT!!! And then it changed AGAIN, I got my car stuck, and I mean effing stuck, Folky wasn't budging... I was ready to cry or get angry and was soooo mad that my good day was ruined... until I sat there and calmed down, realized it was a bad situation, but managed to get out... and then realize that it could have been worse and moved on.
IF only it were always that easy though! I know it's not, I often find myself stuck in a rut in a perma-bad mood, or upset, slightly depressed or wishing things were different. I sometimes get really down, and feel alone and lost because I don't have a lot in Red Deer, but I know I am not far from certain people, and the rest are merely a phone call or text message away - but at times that feels like too much.
I try not to worry about the things that I can't control, and concentrate on the things that I can control.
I know I haven't said it often lately, but I am grateful to have all of you in my life, because I would truly be lost without you. In your own way you shed some light when my world seems to be filled with darkness. You're my inspiration. You're my cheerleaders when I need ambition. It's because of you I don't give up, I don't give in and I can keep my head held high. And I thank you for that.
... I'm sorry ...
... because I haven't been the greatest of friends as of late... but that will change, I promise. I was busy working insane hours to get my training at work over and done with. That included working one Saturday during the day, from midnight to 8 am on a Monday, from 7:30am to 3:30 pm on a Tuesday and from 3 pm to midnight on the Thursday. I also had to buy my text books and start school in there. Needless to say I have hardly texted anyone since Jan. 2.
I really enjoy working at the shelter, and I really enjoy working with the people that work there. It seems like a great place to work.
Jordan came out for a weekend and got a job out here!! He will be moving out by the beginning of May! It's on the downlow though because his work doesn't know yet. So today I went to an academic advisor to find out how to transfer to the U of A. It will cost me $115 to apply, and I have my application ready, I just have to round up the money and the application is sent in - and by June 15, I have to get my transcript in.
If I get accepted I will move to Edmonton by the fall. If I don't get accepted, I will stay here for another year and try again. Although as long as I keep my grades up, there is no reason I shouldn't get in. The lowest accepted mark is a C- and a GPA of 2.0. My lowest mark was a C+ last semester (gotta love astronomy) and I had a GPA of like 3.21.
I was pretty excited when I left the school today, I got my payment arrangements made for my spanish course, looked into transfering and things were looking up... and then I got stuck in the slushy snow in front of my house - blocking a back alley.... took me nearly 20 minutes of trying to go forward and reverse before getting out. I was going to run some errands, but decided against it because I didn't want to get stuck!!!
SO I guess there are drawbacks to having spring weather in the middle of winter... but the weather was amazing! I didn't have to wear a jacket or mittens, and I walked all the way across campus outside to get to my first class (instead of walking through the school) because it was so late! I was ontime or early for all of my classes today, which rarely happens!!
I've had more than enough time lately to think things through and figure stuff out and I am confident that I am making wise decisions. It's not like I am quitting or giving up, I am just transfering schools. I know I will have people telling me otherwise, but I am not going to listen to their comments, because it's my life! AND it will be way better in the long run! I will be able to finish school sooner, have more options, be closer to Jordan and be happier!! I will totally miss the girls at school and Andrea, but it's not like I am leaving the country, I will be an extra hour away. No big deal, just another reason for people to visit the City of Champions (even though their champions are really losers now...)
What's sad is that I have it figured out in my head that I have to justify why I am transfering to the world, when I don't. If it were some irrational move then yes, but this is just another step along the path I am already walking!
I really enjoy working at the shelter, and I really enjoy working with the people that work there. It seems like a great place to work.
Jordan came out for a weekend and got a job out here!! He will be moving out by the beginning of May! It's on the downlow though because his work doesn't know yet. So today I went to an academic advisor to find out how to transfer to the U of A. It will cost me $115 to apply, and I have my application ready, I just have to round up the money and the application is sent in - and by June 15, I have to get my transcript in.
If I get accepted I will move to Edmonton by the fall. If I don't get accepted, I will stay here for another year and try again. Although as long as I keep my grades up, there is no reason I shouldn't get in. The lowest accepted mark is a C- and a GPA of 2.0. My lowest mark was a C+ last semester (gotta love astronomy) and I had a GPA of like 3.21.
I was pretty excited when I left the school today, I got my payment arrangements made for my spanish course, looked into transfering and things were looking up... and then I got stuck in the slushy snow in front of my house - blocking a back alley.... took me nearly 20 minutes of trying to go forward and reverse before getting out. I was going to run some errands, but decided against it because I didn't want to get stuck!!!
SO I guess there are drawbacks to having spring weather in the middle of winter... but the weather was amazing! I didn't have to wear a jacket or mittens, and I walked all the way across campus outside to get to my first class (instead of walking through the school) because it was so late! I was ontime or early for all of my classes today, which rarely happens!!
I've had more than enough time lately to think things through and figure stuff out and I am confident that I am making wise decisions. It's not like I am quitting or giving up, I am just transfering schools. I know I will have people telling me otherwise, but I am not going to listen to their comments, because it's my life! AND it will be way better in the long run! I will be able to finish school sooner, have more options, be closer to Jordan and be happier!! I will totally miss the girls at school and Andrea, but it's not like I am leaving the country, I will be an extra hour away. No big deal, just another reason for people to visit the City of Champions (even though their champions are really losers now...)
What's sad is that I have it figured out in my head that I have to justify why I am transfering to the world, when I don't. If it were some irrational move then yes, but this is just another step along the path I am already walking!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
... school's in and the stress returns...
Over the past four or five years I have started to panic when it comes time to making new friends and meeting new people. I will go out of my way to avoid being in a situation where I know I will be forced to meet new people.
Hell last semester in Spanish I would go to the bathroom when we had to do partner work and my usual partner was away. In English I barely said a word for the first month, and then made some amazing friends, and I don't want to make any more friends. In French, although I had it with one of my friends and two others I was growing close with - I never talked unless I had to. In Astro, I didn't meet a soul, sat by myself, and kept to myself. In sociology I sat with the same group of people every week - because they were the same as in my French class... It took me months to develop a relationship with them. Why should I do it all over again - especially if I just end up transferring to Edmonton and doing it all over again.
I have a handful of people in my Spanish class from last semester my 'partner' dropped out because of personal reasons, so I am stuck with Geraldo... oh joy. In my EDPY class there is a guy from my English class. In my English class I got stuck with the most annoying girl from last semester and her THREE FRIENDS... there are four of them now... and they sat in front of me. (you're thinking, why don't you just move?! Because once I sit in a spot, that's where I will sit all year, I hate change... strange, odd and obsessive - yes... but I like routine). My math class was cancelled but I think there will be a few familiar faces there and I have no idea about EDUC, but I am panicking because a girl told me it was the most difficult class of her entire college career so far... ooooh boy!!
My school day went decently, I had a good chat with my Spanish instructor. And I managed to meet up with Trista, Jessi and Cassie and Janvier. Cassie and I have a lunch date on Friday. Jessi, Trista and I have vowed to meet up a couple times each week. It's nice that RDC is a small campus and we still run into eachother even though we don't have classes together.
I think it all relates back to some self esteem issues I developed a while back, but I just can't do it. I get anxious, I stress and I panic. It sounds stupid... but it happens. I turn down invites, I avoid making plans... anything to avoid it. It could also have to do with how I used to make friends too easily, I used to let everyone in and was getting let down, disappointed and hurt constantly.
It took me over two months to build the foundation of mine and Andrea's relationship... that is over two straight months of seeing her every day and every night, before I finally opened up.
I know I am probably missing out on some great times, and some great people because of this issue - but I don't care. I've tried to change, but I just get hurt.
Not many people understand, and it frustrates me. I hate being pushed, proded and told what to do. It takes me time, and I am not overexaggerating. It's how I work, you may think it's at a snails pace, and it may drive you crazy - but it's me.
Hell last semester in Spanish I would go to the bathroom when we had to do partner work and my usual partner was away. In English I barely said a word for the first month, and then made some amazing friends, and I don't want to make any more friends. In French, although I had it with one of my friends and two others I was growing close with - I never talked unless I had to. In Astro, I didn't meet a soul, sat by myself, and kept to myself. In sociology I sat with the same group of people every week - because they were the same as in my French class... It took me months to develop a relationship with them. Why should I do it all over again - especially if I just end up transferring to Edmonton and doing it all over again.
I have a handful of people in my Spanish class from last semester my 'partner' dropped out because of personal reasons, so I am stuck with Geraldo... oh joy. In my EDPY class there is a guy from my English class. In my English class I got stuck with the most annoying girl from last semester and her THREE FRIENDS... there are four of them now... and they sat in front of me. (you're thinking, why don't you just move?! Because once I sit in a spot, that's where I will sit all year, I hate change... strange, odd and obsessive - yes... but I like routine). My math class was cancelled but I think there will be a few familiar faces there and I have no idea about EDUC, but I am panicking because a girl told me it was the most difficult class of her entire college career so far... ooooh boy!!
My school day went decently, I had a good chat with my Spanish instructor. And I managed to meet up with Trista, Jessi and Cassie and Janvier. Cassie and I have a lunch date on Friday. Jessi, Trista and I have vowed to meet up a couple times each week. It's nice that RDC is a small campus and we still run into eachother even though we don't have classes together.
I think it all relates back to some self esteem issues I developed a while back, but I just can't do it. I get anxious, I stress and I panic. It sounds stupid... but it happens. I turn down invites, I avoid making plans... anything to avoid it. It could also have to do with how I used to make friends too easily, I used to let everyone in and was getting let down, disappointed and hurt constantly.
It took me over two months to build the foundation of mine and Andrea's relationship... that is over two straight months of seeing her every day and every night, before I finally opened up.
I know I am probably missing out on some great times, and some great people because of this issue - but I don't care. I've tried to change, but I just get hurt.
Not many people understand, and it frustrates me. I hate being pushed, proded and told what to do. It takes me time, and I am not overexaggerating. It's how I work, you may think it's at a snails pace, and it may drive you crazy - but it's me.
... what do you do...?
So recently I have been overwhelmed with quite a few things, be it work, school or just news and information in general. These happenings have made me realize how lucky I am, and how I should be thankful for all that I have and concentrate on the good.
I am generally good at concentrating on the good, but I am only human and sometimes get lost.
This past month has been a difficult one for a handful of people in my life, as they have lost people that are close to them in tragic ways. Both were tragic, one was a freak accident the other not so much an accident but tragic nonetheless. Both were preventable, if someone had taken more time on the road, the accident could have been prevented and had the other one realized that life wasn't that bad, it could have ended differently. These moments make a person thankful for the support network that they lean on to help them make it through. It also makes you realize that you're grateful for what you have that is positive in your life.
Work has also made me realize that although I had a troubled childhood, it wasn't that bad. I always had a roof over my head, I always had a parent that loved me, I always had food on the table (not always healthy or in large quantities - but there was always food), I always had someone there supporting my decisions, I was cared for, I wasn't abused, I wasn't introduced to drugs or alcohol until older, I had a place to go on Christmas (not always presents or a big dinner - but I was always with family). This is something that numerous youth and children are missing from their lives and it breaks my heart.
So I guess over my winter break from school, I learned more than I did collectively last semester... at least more that will help me in life.
So next time you think the world is crashing down on you, or that you've had a bad day... Just think - you have a home, a permanent location. You have food in the fridge. You have clean clothes. You have full use of your body. You are loved. You have the ability to love. You have a hopeful future. You aren't alone.
Because there are countless of people who don't have those basic things... and what are we doing to help them? A whole lot of nothing in most cases, because they are forgotten, not talked about a lot, and looked down upon. These people need all the support, assistance and help they can have and yet the world is passing them by while they are at their most vunerable state.
I am generally good at concentrating on the good, but I am only human and sometimes get lost.
This past month has been a difficult one for a handful of people in my life, as they have lost people that are close to them in tragic ways. Both were tragic, one was a freak accident the other not so much an accident but tragic nonetheless. Both were preventable, if someone had taken more time on the road, the accident could have been prevented and had the other one realized that life wasn't that bad, it could have ended differently. These moments make a person thankful for the support network that they lean on to help them make it through. It also makes you realize that you're grateful for what you have that is positive in your life.
Work has also made me realize that although I had a troubled childhood, it wasn't that bad. I always had a roof over my head, I always had a parent that loved me, I always had food on the table (not always healthy or in large quantities - but there was always food), I always had someone there supporting my decisions, I was cared for, I wasn't abused, I wasn't introduced to drugs or alcohol until older, I had a place to go on Christmas (not always presents or a big dinner - but I was always with family). This is something that numerous youth and children are missing from their lives and it breaks my heart.
So I guess over my winter break from school, I learned more than I did collectively last semester... at least more that will help me in life.
So next time you think the world is crashing down on you, or that you've had a bad day... Just think - you have a home, a permanent location. You have food in the fridge. You have clean clothes. You have full use of your body. You are loved. You have the ability to love. You have a hopeful future. You aren't alone.
Because there are countless of people who don't have those basic things... and what are we doing to help them? A whole lot of nothing in most cases, because they are forgotten, not talked about a lot, and looked down upon. These people need all the support, assistance and help they can have and yet the world is passing them by while they are at their most vunerable state.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
gonezo....
So you may think I have gone off the deep end, you might think I am crazy, you might think I am stupid. Quite frankly I am to the point where I don’t care what people think. That’s one of the leading factors that caused my whole melt down today.
Chances are you haven’t figured out what I am referring to yet and I know some of you will act shocked, appalled and I am sure at least one of you will pretend you knew all along what happened.
I had enough of people’s comments, pettiness, high school attitudes and people spying on me. SO I took a huge step, and deleted my facebook account.
Now that you’re all in shock and taken aback, get over it.
Chances are if we have been friends for a while, you have another means of contacting me. Go back in time, do something old school – send me an e-mail, phone me or text me. I am done with facebook. I always seemed to tick someone off, or offend someone or get rude comments. So now I don’t have that worry. It’s all behind me.
Think my attitude is harsh, and that I am being a bitch?! I am. It’s not like me. BUT I don’t want to be walked all over and treated like shit because I have offended someone with my effing status, or a photo, or a post.
Is it permanent? Who knows? For now, I am done. I may start over and come back later. But I don’t want to have to deal with that anymore.
Chances are you haven’t figured out what I am referring to yet and I know some of you will act shocked, appalled and I am sure at least one of you will pretend you knew all along what happened.
I had enough of people’s comments, pettiness, high school attitudes and people spying on me. SO I took a huge step, and deleted my facebook account.
Now that you’re all in shock and taken aback, get over it.
Chances are if we have been friends for a while, you have another means of contacting me. Go back in time, do something old school – send me an e-mail, phone me or text me. I am done with facebook. I always seemed to tick someone off, or offend someone or get rude comments. So now I don’t have that worry. It’s all behind me.
Think my attitude is harsh, and that I am being a bitch?! I am. It’s not like me. BUT I don’t want to be walked all over and treated like shit because I have offended someone with my effing status, or a photo, or a post.
Is it permanent? Who knows? For now, I am done. I may start over and come back later. But I don’t want to have to deal with that anymore.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
There will be no year in review...
I have tried writing a year in review twice now... I just don't like how it goes. I guess it could be because half of last year I don't really want to look back on. I am moving forward and that's what I wan to concentrate on. I like where last year has brought me, I like what I have learned in the past year. But there are some parts I wish I could erase... So instead of a year in review here are some lists (I am good at lists).
Things I learned in 2009
Great things that happened in 2009
Things I learned in 2009
- Good things come to those who deserve them
- Things happen when they least expect it
- There comes a time when enough is enough
- It's ok to stand up for yourself, say no and be a bit selfish
- Sometimes cutting all ties with a person is deemed worthy
- It's ok to take chances
- It's ok to let go
- There comes a time when it's someone else's turn to take responsibilty
- I am not a superhero, miracle worker or perfect
- Love does exist
- Not to leave essays until the last minute
- Cheating sometimes works to your advantage (on exams) - until the final comes around
- To study harder, concentrate more on school work towards success
- Folky doesn't like super cold weather
- Nothing is ever as bad as we initially think
- Tomorrow is a new day, and it is what you make of it
Great things that happened in 2009
- I met the man of my dreams
- Kelly and Derek got married
- Baby Slade was born
- Mucho bonding time with Slade and Austin
- Grew closer with my mom
- Realized that even when you think someone hates you - it's possible there is some love in there somewhere.
- I worked for the Independent
- I quit my job (Independent and Michael Hill)
- I went back to school
- I met amazing friends (Andrea, Cassie, Jessi and Trista)
- I gained a new perspective on life
- Started my Dad book
- I tried new things (food, music, books and activities)
- Realizing that I am worth more than I was aiming for
- Standing up for myself
- Changing my number, starting over and not looking back
- My Grandma's passing
- Disagreements with family
- Going back to school
- Leaving home (again - although it was more difficult this time around)
- A long distance relationship
- My amazing network of friends and family
- Finding ways to express myself and work through my issues, anger, hurt and disappointment
- Taking chances
- Cutting ties
I miss it...
I had a good chat with Curtis this morning about my writing and my work experience with newspapers. He asked if I missed it... and of course I do. I loved my job, I didn't like the position I was in, I didn't like how my hours were cut, and I didn't like my editor or the other reporter. I know I could have stuck it out and kept working there, and one day be the editor of all four papers... but I don't want to feel stuck. I wanted to be able to make enough money to live off of. Editors make enough money, but reporters don't.
Do I miss reporting?! HELLS YES!! I miss interviewing people... winter has been tough. I was the sports reporter, hockey was my baby... I went to more minor hockey games last year than most hockey parents. I saw my little neighbours win and lose many a game. I watched league championships, I watched them improve by leaps and bounds. I watched as visiting parents got escorted out of the arena and ours kept their cool even if we were down by 10+ goals.
I made it to every home game of our Junior B team, I was there even on my days off with my camera. While the other two staff would get a photo and leave, I would stay the whole game so I could write a decent story on the game. I called the head coach every Monday to get his comments, it became a ritual, I even did it the Monday after my grandma's death - even though I didn't go to work.
Sportswriting along with business writing were the two parts of writing I did horrible on in school - and I grew to love sports writing.
I got to interview members of the only girls basketball team from Wm. E. Hay to win provincials (50 years ago! I got to interview one of the Olympic medalists (from Stettler) who has the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch in the relay somewhere on Vancouver Island. I interviewed countless talented atheletes from the Bashaw and Stettler areas that are making great progress in their athletic careers.
My favourite stories were the feature stories the ones about local people who have gone on to do great things, the guy I went to junior high with that's playing professional hockey in the states, the guy I went to high school with that went to the winter universiad in Japan to play hockey for Canada. The list goes on and on.
I liked my job, I liked that I had local connections so that if I needed a story I could make a couple of calls and have my story. I liked that if I didn't have contact information about someone all I needed to do was call some friends or family and have my information.
I miss being stopped in the street and chatting about news and story ideas or getting feedback on that week's issue. I liked the fact that after a couple of months I had people calling and requesting that I cover their story or their event.
I had grown close to the rest of the ladies in the office, I had made relationships in the community that weren't there before... and everytime I go home, I am guaranteed to run into at least one person who comments on the difference in the paper since I have left. How does that make me feel? Happy, sad, confused, respected and it's a bit of an ego boost.
It makes me happy, respected and gives me an ego boost - because I know I didn't waste my time there. It means that people were reading my stories and enjoyed them. The little old ladies at church, who admit to hating sports - told me they read my section just because I wrote it.
It makes me sad, because I'm not there anymore and I don't like the direction the paper is going. I don't like reading the paper. I don't like the look of the sports pages. I don't like the layout. It just makes me sad to see all of the hard work I had put into improving those pages go down the drain.
It makes me confused because it makes me wonder if I made the right decision by leaving.
I know I made the right decision by leaving. Stettler is not home for me. Although I loved the job, I didn't love my immediate coworkers or the situation. I miss it yes, but I miss a lot of things. I knew it was time to move on, a time to start a new chapter and a time for me to grow as an individual.
Do I miss reporting?! HELLS YES!! I miss interviewing people... winter has been tough. I was the sports reporter, hockey was my baby... I went to more minor hockey games last year than most hockey parents. I saw my little neighbours win and lose many a game. I watched league championships, I watched them improve by leaps and bounds. I watched as visiting parents got escorted out of the arena and ours kept their cool even if we were down by 10+ goals.
I made it to every home game of our Junior B team, I was there even on my days off with my camera. While the other two staff would get a photo and leave, I would stay the whole game so I could write a decent story on the game. I called the head coach every Monday to get his comments, it became a ritual, I even did it the Monday after my grandma's death - even though I didn't go to work.
Sportswriting along with business writing were the two parts of writing I did horrible on in school - and I grew to love sports writing.
I got to interview members of the only girls basketball team from Wm. E. Hay to win provincials (50 years ago! I got to interview one of the Olympic medalists (from Stettler) who has the honour of carrying the Olympic Torch in the relay somewhere on Vancouver Island. I interviewed countless talented atheletes from the Bashaw and Stettler areas that are making great progress in their athletic careers.
My favourite stories were the feature stories the ones about local people who have gone on to do great things, the guy I went to junior high with that's playing professional hockey in the states, the guy I went to high school with that went to the winter universiad in Japan to play hockey for Canada. The list goes on and on.
I liked my job, I liked that I had local connections so that if I needed a story I could make a couple of calls and have my story. I liked that if I didn't have contact information about someone all I needed to do was call some friends or family and have my information.
I miss being stopped in the street and chatting about news and story ideas or getting feedback on that week's issue. I liked the fact that after a couple of months I had people calling and requesting that I cover their story or their event.
I had grown close to the rest of the ladies in the office, I had made relationships in the community that weren't there before... and everytime I go home, I am guaranteed to run into at least one person who comments on the difference in the paper since I have left. How does that make me feel? Happy, sad, confused, respected and it's a bit of an ego boost.
It makes me happy, respected and gives me an ego boost - because I know I didn't waste my time there. It means that people were reading my stories and enjoyed them. The little old ladies at church, who admit to hating sports - told me they read my section just because I wrote it.
It makes me sad, because I'm not there anymore and I don't like the direction the paper is going. I don't like reading the paper. I don't like the look of the sports pages. I don't like the layout. It just makes me sad to see all of the hard work I had put into improving those pages go down the drain.
It makes me confused because it makes me wonder if I made the right decision by leaving.
I know I made the right decision by leaving. Stettler is not home for me. Although I loved the job, I didn't love my immediate coworkers or the situation. I miss it yes, but I miss a lot of things. I knew it was time to move on, a time to start a new chapter and a time for me to grow as an individual.
Friday, January 1, 2010
*** To a new year ***
So to go along with my resolutions I blogged about earlier, I have created a Day Zero list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. They're pretty simple things, even so I am rather excited to start the list!! The fun thing is that some of the things on the list coordinate with my resolutions!!
Here's the link to the list...
http://dayzeroproject.com/?u=positively%20pessimistic
For those who can't remember, here are the resolutions expanded upon a bit.
1) Get back in shape, get to my goal weight and maintain it - I will buy a swimsuit and a gym/pool pass with my first pay cheque, and I will start going to lane swim and aquasize again.... And even hit up the gym on a regular basis. I know this is kind of cliche-ish, but I know I can do it, I have done it before, I actually enjoy working out! Andrea and I have promised eachother we will eat healither... and no eating fast food (Buster's Pizza included... man those guys are gonna miss us...)
2) Get a higher GPA - I will study more, and harder, I will have study notes from the beginning and not wait until the last week before exams to make them. I will work harder on assignments and study notes. I need to get a nerdy GPA in order to stand out from the rest of the thousands of BED students. I hope to transfer to the U of A in the fall, and for that I would like a higher GPA, which would be easier to secure me a spot there.
3)... oh shit, I've already forgotten... ohwait! Number three is to blog or write more often - I will look into freelancing for some local papers or Albertan magazines. Just to keep my writing up to par. If worst comes to worst I will just have to maintain this blog... I just need to write, it's one of my passions and I need to keep it up. This one might not happen until the summer, because I plan to be busy with work and school this semester, but it is something that is important to me, and something I really want to concentrate on!!
4) take a fun photography course - like my reading my photography and cameras have been neglected since quitting the paper. I need to get back into it, to revive my passion and add some excitement into my life!! I hope to be able to do that by taking some sort of photography course and just going on fun photo excursions! I have already started working on this, and I am loving it!!! I also want to buy a small digital camera so that I can take it places with me (easier than my DSLRs!).
So there they are, I know many of you don't think I am going to follow this, or think I am setting myself up for failure. In my eyes, I am setting goals, and I reach goals I set - so watch and see...
Here's the link to the list...
http://dayzeroproject.com/?u=positively%20pessimistic
For those who can't remember, here are the resolutions expanded upon a bit.
1) Get back in shape, get to my goal weight and maintain it - I will buy a swimsuit and a gym/pool pass with my first pay cheque, and I will start going to lane swim and aquasize again.... And even hit up the gym on a regular basis. I know this is kind of cliche-ish, but I know I can do it, I have done it before, I actually enjoy working out! Andrea and I have promised eachother we will eat healither... and no eating fast food (Buster's Pizza included... man those guys are gonna miss us...)
2) Get a higher GPA - I will study more, and harder, I will have study notes from the beginning and not wait until the last week before exams to make them. I will work harder on assignments and study notes. I need to get a nerdy GPA in order to stand out from the rest of the thousands of BED students. I hope to transfer to the U of A in the fall, and for that I would like a higher GPA, which would be easier to secure me a spot there.
3)... oh shit, I've already forgotten... ohwait! Number three is to blog or write more often - I will look into freelancing for some local papers or Albertan magazines. Just to keep my writing up to par. If worst comes to worst I will just have to maintain this blog... I just need to write, it's one of my passions and I need to keep it up. This one might not happen until the summer, because I plan to be busy with work and school this semester, but it is something that is important to me, and something I really want to concentrate on!!
4) take a fun photography course - like my reading my photography and cameras have been neglected since quitting the paper. I need to get back into it, to revive my passion and add some excitement into my life!! I hope to be able to do that by taking some sort of photography course and just going on fun photo excursions! I have already started working on this, and I am loving it!!! I also want to buy a small digital camera so that I can take it places with me (easier than my DSLRs!).
So there they are, I know many of you don't think I am going to follow this, or think I am setting myself up for failure. In my eyes, I am setting goals, and I reach goals I set - so watch and see...
A new year indeed....
I started to do a year in review last night, but I didn't like the way it was sounding, so I will do that later this evening.
Instead here's a little snapshot to my NYE and New Years Day thus far....
I spent yesterday morning upstairs with both Carly and Salem (the cat and dog, and they got along just fine!!) as the electricians fixed our main level!!! You have no idea how excited Andrea and I are to be able to run the dishwasher, washer, dryer and cook on the stove all at the same time WITHOUT blowing a breaker!!! GO TEAM!
Andrea got home early, we watched some Gilmore Girls and got ready to head to the festivities at the church her father is a pastor at. We were treated to a fantastic pot luck dinner and then Andrea and Curtis went skating, and we all played board games. We left around 8:30ish when they dropped me off at home and they went to their partay. They invited me, but I respectfully declined - I am not big on parties with tons of new people. I don't know why, I just seem to find it rather overwhelming.
Then I did some random things around the house, and went to bed around 11:30ish after wishing Jordan and Robert a happy new year. Talked to Jordan for a bit on the phone, then texted a while and went to bed... ONLY to wake up to a phone call from one of the girls downstairs and a friend who happend to lock themselves out of the house. After realizing we had no way to break into the basement, I left the girls to sleep on the couch.... I was nearly asleep when Andrea and Curtis walked in after 3am.... but that didn't last long, as Curtis was yelling at me that he wants his beouf boom boom and Andrea updating me on their night.
It was all in all an interesting night, that is for sure!! In the morning we chatting with the girls as they waited for their locksmith. That's pretty much it!
Instead here's a little snapshot to my NYE and New Years Day thus far....
I spent yesterday morning upstairs with both Carly and Salem (the cat and dog, and they got along just fine!!) as the electricians fixed our main level!!! You have no idea how excited Andrea and I are to be able to run the dishwasher, washer, dryer and cook on the stove all at the same time WITHOUT blowing a breaker!!! GO TEAM!
Andrea got home early, we watched some Gilmore Girls and got ready to head to the festivities at the church her father is a pastor at. We were treated to a fantastic pot luck dinner and then Andrea and Curtis went skating, and we all played board games. We left around 8:30ish when they dropped me off at home and they went to their partay. They invited me, but I respectfully declined - I am not big on parties with tons of new people. I don't know why, I just seem to find it rather overwhelming.
Then I did some random things around the house, and went to bed around 11:30ish after wishing Jordan and Robert a happy new year. Talked to Jordan for a bit on the phone, then texted a while and went to bed... ONLY to wake up to a phone call from one of the girls downstairs and a friend who happend to lock themselves out of the house. After realizing we had no way to break into the basement, I left the girls to sleep on the couch.... I was nearly asleep when Andrea and Curtis walked in after 3am.... but that didn't last long, as Curtis was yelling at me that he wants his beouf boom boom and Andrea updating me on their night.
It was all in all an interesting night, that is for sure!! In the morning we chatting with the girls as they waited for their locksmith. That's pretty much it!
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