... glimmer of hope ...

Today, for the first day in a very long time, I had a glimmer of hope... no it was longer than a glimmer - perhaps a sliver. And it's still there, just not as prominent. I always have hope in somethings but I lost hope in this area a long time ago. What I am talking about is my mom's health.

I have always wanted to see my mom walk again. When I get married, if it is the traditional marriage cerimony - I have always wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle in the church where her and my father were married. But as it stands right now - she is not able to do that. I also want my mom to be the one I dance with for the 'traditional father daughter dance'. Because in essence the woman has been my mother and my father all rolled up into one. And as it stands right now - that won't be possible either.

*~*~*~ side note - I am not planning on getting married in the near future (FYI!) but the thing is she won't be getting better... but progressively worse, as she has over the past 20 years.

I want my mom to be able to play with my nephews and my children (one day), like she did with us before she got too bad. I want so many things when it comes to my mom, so many things that never seemed attainable or even imaginable. That was until December when the CCVSI study was released on W5. Because I am on the Board of Directors for the MS Society Central Alberta Chapter - I got a heads up that it would be on W5, and a bunch of information to prepare myself.

I didn't know what to think, I mean we have heard of so many studies and possible cures - but they're never for mom's type of MS, or she is to far progressed to be helped by the drugs... but this could possibly reverse the debilitating disease that took my mom's life and changed it all up, the disease that stole my childhood, the disesase that has caused so much turmoil within my family.

I would move mountains for the woman, I really would, and I could only say that for a handful of people. She is single-handedly one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life. She is the most amazing woman in my books, and she deserves more than a life of being stranded in a chair watching TV all day long, swimming three times a week and sleeping the rest because she has no energy. It's not fair.

I could play the whole it's not fair - there are people out there in the world who deserve bad things to happen to them, and this happend to my mom who had already lost a son and a husband and then had to raise a son and daughter on disability and watch as her young daughter took over the household duties... but I won't. Because in odd ways, the messed up disease has made my mom and I closer, strengthened our bond, caused my mom to find some unreal sense of positivity and strength I didn't think any individual could have... but sometimes it would just be easier to play the it's not fair card....

There's only one catch - it's not happening yet in Canada - it's close. There are a handful of places in the country that are testing to see if there are blockages in a person's veins. But they're mostly in private facilities - not something mom can afford. There have been a lot of neurologists putting pressure on the U of A Hospital to start doing the testing, and I hope with every fiber of my being that they do. I hope for myself, I hope for all of the kids from the camp group from last spring, I hope for my mom, I hope for those kids' parents, and all of the people on the Board and their significant others and the countless other people that I have met with MS and those I haven't.

I am going to a seminar type deal that the best neurologist in Red Deer is hosting in conjunction with the MS Society on Feb. 2, to hear more up-to-date information on what is being done in Canada.

I haven't prayed this hard in a long time, I want to see my mom walk, I want to see my mom gain back the independence she was stripped of 20 years ago, I want so much for her because of what she has had to give up.

So I had hope it was bright and strong and now it's a bit dimmer - but it is there... I have watched my mom progress from being fully able bodied to using a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair, and in and out of hospitals over my life... I would give anything to watch that in reverse... I know it wouldn't be an easy recovery, but the woman can do it, she has the strength and I would be there by her side the whole way - just as she has always been by my side.