Over the past four or five years I have started to panic when it comes time to making new friends and meeting new people. I will go out of my way to avoid being in a situation where I know I will be forced to meet new people.
Hell last semester in Spanish I would go to the bathroom when we had to do partner work and my usual partner was away. In English I barely said a word for the first month, and then made some amazing friends, and I don't want to make any more friends. In French, although I had it with one of my friends and two others I was growing close with - I never talked unless I had to. In Astro, I didn't meet a soul, sat by myself, and kept to myself. In sociology I sat with the same group of people every week - because they were the same as in my French class... It took me months to develop a relationship with them. Why should I do it all over again - especially if I just end up transferring to Edmonton and doing it all over again.
I have a handful of people in my Spanish class from last semester my 'partner' dropped out because of personal reasons, so I am stuck with Geraldo... oh joy. In my EDPY class there is a guy from my English class. In my English class I got stuck with the most annoying girl from last semester and her THREE FRIENDS... there are four of them now... and they sat in front of me. (you're thinking, why don't you just move?! Because once I sit in a spot, that's where I will sit all year, I hate change... strange, odd and obsessive - yes... but I like routine). My math class was cancelled but I think there will be a few familiar faces there and I have no idea about EDUC, but I am panicking because a girl told me it was the most difficult class of her entire college career so far... ooooh boy!!
My school day went decently, I had a good chat with my Spanish instructor. And I managed to meet up with Trista, Jessi and Cassie and Janvier. Cassie and I have a lunch date on Friday. Jessi, Trista and I have vowed to meet up a couple times each week. It's nice that RDC is a small campus and we still run into eachother even though we don't have classes together.
I think it all relates back to some self esteem issues I developed a while back, but I just can't do it. I get anxious, I stress and I panic. It sounds stupid... but it happens. I turn down invites, I avoid making plans... anything to avoid it. It could also have to do with how I used to make friends too easily, I used to let everyone in and was getting let down, disappointed and hurt constantly.
It took me over two months to build the foundation of mine and Andrea's relationship... that is over two straight months of seeing her every day and every night, before I finally opened up.
I know I am probably missing out on some great times, and some great people because of this issue - but I don't care. I've tried to change, but I just get hurt.
Not many people understand, and it frustrates me. I hate being pushed, proded and told what to do. It takes me time, and I am not overexaggerating. It's how I work, you may think it's at a snails pace, and it may drive you crazy - but it's me.
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