... topsy turvy day ...

Today has been quite the day. I had a rude awakening as I attempted to re-enter the school world this morning… I did a math assignment late, losing 50% on the assignment. I forgot to do my at home quiz in math – which I lied about and begged to hand it in tonight at the study session… only to remember we don’t have the internet at home anymore, so I have no way to print the damned thing off! GO ME! So I have decided to just forget about it, in the end our quizzes are only worth like 2% of our final grade so I will suck this one up.

This morning was an adventure, one I knew was coming, but had been pretending it would never arrive. Jordan headed back to Winnipeg today, and once again I was an emotional wreck (no surprise there). We spent ten days together, and it went quite well, minus my couple fits. I had an amazing time, I got to meet his family (dad, stepmom, mom, stepdad, brother and grandparents) and all in all it went very well! I have no idea why I was stressing, most likely because it was the first time I have ever ‘met the family’. I’m not going to go into details yet because later when I have an internet connection or when I am at school, I will write a photo blog.

Today has had it’s good parts – it hasn’t been all bad. I ran into Cassie and we had a quick chat. I ran into Trista and had a quick chat, I almost cried then. A girl in my 8am class asked me if I was stoned, and I burst into tears, she got the hint that no, I was not stoned, just having a rough morning! We laughed about it in English cause I was in a more decent mood. I cried in math when I realized I had forgotten the quiz… needless to say my eyes are tired and burning. I’ve been up since 6 am, and I have a two hour break before heading back to the school for a three hour math study session.

I talked to my mom briefly, she had some random questions about my trip to BC. Seems like my lovely family was gossiping about me at Slade’s birthday party. My reaction was calm, I explained the truth to my mother and then said that I would not be coming home for Easter if I was expected to go to my grandmothers or if the lovely lady would be at mom’s I would graciously decline the invitation and stay in Red Deer, alone. I am tired of my family talking shit about me. I gave up when it comes to friends or random people talking – I let them talk, I don’t care. But my family, give me a freaken break, get a life and leave me alone. It wasn’t bad gossip – just shit that isn’t any of their business. I am used to it, they have done it since I was a kid. It bothers me, I like to please people, and I can’t please them, I can’t make them love me – and quite frankly I don’t want to please them or to make them love me. That sounds harsh, but I have had enough. I have people in my life that treat me better, they don’t have a blood connection to me, but they are better people and they like me for me. The gossip sticks with me though – it started out them thinking I didn’t do enough around the house as a kid (they don’t know half of what I did), then it was my mom treated me differently (as she should have because I was her caregiver, while my brother was off the hook), then it was I was too involved in community events and didn’t deserve the awards I won, then it was how could I abandon my family and leave the country for a year, then it was why did she go to school, and why didn’t she get a journalism job, and why does she keep moving, and why did she go back to school, and why doesn’t she have money, and why doesn’t she come home and take care of her mom more often…. But when it gets into my personal life, about who I live with, who I date, who I am friends with and the details of my holidays – I get angry. That is my business, they haven’t had anything to do with my life in a long time, why do they think they have the right to talk about me?! It drives me insane. Especially when they make catty remarks to my mom. Not to mention that none of the people who are talking about me have lived an innocent life or been perfect themselves. I do things my way. I do things for me. I want people to like me for me or to leave me alone. That’s all I ask.

Mom was taken aback when I made the comment about Easter. She was like, you usually don’t let it bother you. My reply was that I have had enough, and I don’t care to put up with it anymore. Mom was surprised, but understood where I was coming from. So now there’s a 50-50 chance I could end up alone in Red Deer for Easter – which has happened before because of familial drama or I might go home for a small Easter dinner and egg hunt. It all depends on if my grandma shows up. I am not being selfish with my decision, I am doing it with everyone’s best interest in mind. If I do go and my grandma, aunt or cousin (very unlikely those two would show up) are there, there is a very good chance I will speak my mind or blow up – which wouldn’t be pretty, wouldn’t leave a great impression in my nephews eyes and would lead to more problems within the family and I don’t want that. By removing myself from the situation, it creates harmony and peace… but then gives them another chance to talk about me and why I am not there…. It’s a nasty cycle that will never ever end…

... I'm baaaaaaaaack....

... but it's going to be quick because I must study for Spanish!

I am not as close with my brother or sister-in-law as I once was, or as I wish I could be. And sometimes that sucks because it'd be nice to have their support or advice every now and then, but I'm a big girl. I rarely get texts from them, unless they need or want something from me... which I have come to deal with. Regardless, I love them both. I love their children even more, and they know that - I don't hide that fact (from anyone). People come to visit - I show off the latest pictures of my boys...

Anyway today I get a text from my sister-in-law...
D: When are you going to be home next?
A: Well tomorrow or the next day, but it will just be brief. I need to get some stuff from mom's. Why?
D: Just wondering Austin was upset last night because he never gets to see you.

That broke my heart and made my day all at once! Austin and I used to have Austin and Aunty dates on a weekly basis, he became my side kick. I was going to sporting events, and he'd come with me as my 'assistant' and tell me what I 'needed to write'. We'd go bowling or swimming, or to movies, wander Walmart, play at a park or just read books.

So I told Dana to get Austin to pick a Friday, and we'd have a date. He picked the earliest Friday he could, and now we have a date! I promised to take him to a movie (if it's kid appropriate) and bowling! With DQ in there of course, because we always fit our ice cream and fries in there.

So yes, things are picking up and looking a bit brighter. I am trying to work on my grades, and put more work and effort into things. I need to do well this semester, I am still considering transfering to the U of A. They have much more to offer for my minor than RDC does. And I checked into res. and their four bedroom apartment style dorms are only $406 a month... tuition would be more, but rent would be less... and chances are I could find a better paying job!!! I just need my RRSP money to submit my applications for both the University and Res. And find a way to break it to Andrea.... she might kill me. I would kill me if I were her.

I still have a queasy stomach... but nothing bad, I stopped puking Sunday so the worst of the flu has left I guess. Hasn't stopped me from going to school!!!

Ok but now - back to Spanish!! Me gusta estudiar... not!!!

... temporary extinction ...

I haven't had the greatest of weeks, and we're only at Tuesday... and I generally do one of two things when I get this way - concentrate on whatever is going wrong (or poorly in this case) and fix it - meaning not much blogging... or just blog blog blog - trying to figure shit out.

This time around, I think I will be concentrating on what's bothering me right now and the short list of that would be improving my grades, catching up on my readings and studying more - even though that's all I have done really lately.  The other thing on that short list would be to find more babysitting families - which I have tried some different areas, posted some online ads, now I just have to wait patiently.

Now I am off to work on my studying so I can bring my C's and D (yup, I got a D, go me... FML) to match my A's and B's in other classes.