... a confession ...

As much as I hate to admit it, deep down I am a girly girl... It's amazing how somedays even when you don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or even leave the house... if you put on a little make up, do your hair and dress up a tad - you're often in a better mood.

It's a crazy amount of work just to feel a bit better, but it usually does the trick. I guess if you think you look good then you feel good...?! It's totally a psychological thing, but it totally did the trick this weekend. I didn't want to get out of bed. I still had my headache, but I had to get ready for my job interview. So I got up and I curled my hair with my flat iron. I put on some makeupand a little perfume and I was instantly in a good mood.

My other girly girl confessions today include my obsession with Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, 90210, Gossip Girl, The OC and a myriad of chick flicks. And all my chick lit... I am not into the raunchy romance novels, but I do enjoy a love story now and then...

I guess maybe I will make an effort to do more than just throw my hair in a pony tail in the morning and run out... maybe making myself a bit more 'up' will enhance my everyday mood!

... a case of 'one-of-those-weeks' ...

I along with a handful of my classmates have had - 'one-of-those-weeks'... thankfully I think mine is over... or I hope it is! I have had a headache and nausea since Monday and nothing was making it go away. Finally today I got my tax return and I had the cash to purchase my perscription of tylenol 3 and eye drops... they seem to be helping... and the fact that the weekend is here helps a lot too!!

I am nearing the end of my first year, patiently waiting to see if I get early acceptance to the U of A. I only have a couple of tests and a bunch of projects left before finals hit ful force. I am not too stressed right now, I think it all went away once made a couple of changes to my outlook AND finished our group presentation in EDUC... now I don't have to be nice to certain people anymore, and can just get my work done!

I am kind of sad that I might not be returning to RDC next year, I like a couple of my teachers and some of the girls. BUT it is comforting to know that Cassie and Trista and most likely a bunch of the others will be transferring in year three! Jessi will eventually transfer to Grant Mac, in Edmonton, so we will be able to hang out too... so eventually all of us 219 girls (minus Janvier - who will be travelling the world) will be back together.

I am excited for the weekend! Tonight and tomorrow morning I am judging a science fair!!! That will be fun!!! And tomorrow afternoon I am going to Edmonton for a job interview at Fort Edmonton Park.

On our fitness/weightloss challenge... I am doing ok I guess... I still have a ways to go - but some of my old dress pants are fitting again, so I am well on my way. Just need to get off my lazy behind and start running again!

Ok I am off to finish some cover letters for jobs I am applying for, and to do my hair!!!

... the write choice ...

I am a student, but deep down I am still a journalist. I will always be a writer. Even if I only write for pleasure and not for a career – I am a writer. Therefore I should rock in English. I should get amazing marks. It should be a given. I shouldn’t be rocking a C and thinking of dropping the class. I shouldn’t. I have always thought those that drop a class don’t try hard enough, I thought of it as failing and a waste of money.


That is until I have nearly become one of them. I put a decent amount of time into my essay, and still wound up with a horrible mark. A mark that would make anyone upset. A mark that is unexpected from someone who has been working as a journalist on and off since 2004.

I have until Monday to make up my mind about the course. That’s the withdraw date. Do I throw my hands up in defeat and withdraw from the class to prevent bringing my GPA down and making the U of A think I am an incompetent student for nearly FAILING a course that concentrates on my NATIVE LANGUAGE. Or do I suck it up, rewrite my essay and keep trucking and end up with a C or C+ in the class. Which my teacher says is an acceptable mark. Yes, it looks wonderful for a future teacher to nearly fail an English class, you moron. I think he needs to take a couple education courses of his own.

I miss writing, I just don’t feel motivated or inspired lately. I don’t know what’s missing – I used to have a drive to write all the time. Sometimes I would blog three times a day, and I would come up with some amazing blogs. Now it’s sometimes like I have to force myself to write. It is therapeutic if I can actually get through it.

I miss reporting. I had to stop by the office the other day to pick up a reference letter. I miss it. I miss the hustle and bustle. I miss the interviews. I miss the glamour that went with the job, getting to go to events for free. I miss finding the hidden gems in people’s lives and creating interesting feature stories. I miss people reading my work and stopping me in the street to let me know they liked it. I miss knowing people read my work. I miss knowing people cared about my work.

... school's almost out!!!!! ...

So our house is drama central, all three of us are living here now... that's a first. It's kind of awkward...

I am bored trying to finish (well start and finish) a project and while Andrea watched old One Tree Hill's... I have kind of told her my plans for next year.... and she didn't say a lot. I kind of just kept talking and talking.... just to avoid awkwardness.

I babysat today... played badminton with the girl for an hour and a half while her little brother played around the yard... When I told him it was time to go in, he threw sand at me... yes so now I have sand in my hair and it's not fun... gotta love them spoiled kids!!

Seeing how as soon as I opened my blog I ran out of things to say soooo I should go pretend I am Malcom's Mom from Malcom in the Middle and write a letter to his teacher on how he learns best.... OOOOH FUN!

... princess of procrastination...

Yes I realize I probably spelled that wrong, and right I am not tooooo concerned! I haven't blogged a lot lately, because I have been trying to work some stuff out in my life right now. I am trying to get caught up in my classes and study.... buuut I find myself on here!!

Jordan and I are both working on reaching our fitness goals, to my luck my roommate just bought a Wii with a Wii Fit Plus! It is soooo much fun!

I have made my mind up as to where I want to be next year, where I want to study, where I want to live ... all of that... Now I just have to put my plan into motion. Ok I made my mind up a long time ago, I just hadn't vocalized it until last night.

I am still planning on writing up a photo blog from our Vancouver trip... should do that soon I guess...

I haven't been up to a lot... school school school... I worked two overnight shifts at the shelter... that's 24 hours in two days~! CRAZY!!!'

More to come later... off to study Educational Psychology.

... sometimes ...

Sometimes I have a tendancy to doubt myself, to doubt my decisions and to doubt my abilities. I start to question decisions I have made and ones I am going to be making. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve what I have. I have always done it but I hope it is something that doesn't continue forever. I will make it clear right now, that I don't doubt relationship decisions, that's one place I am confident in.

It's more or less things like, did I make a difference, does anyone notice what I do, have I picked the right program of study in school, will I get good enough grades....etc. etc.

I have had a rough week, done more thinking than a normal person should. I am trying to figure out which school to go to in the fall. Where to live for the summer. Where to get a summer job. All of that fun stuff. I want to figure it out soon-ish, so I can give Andrea the chance to find a place - with or without me.

I have been stressed with some stuff, which I am beginning to figure out, nothing too major.

At the same time I have had a couple of AH-HAH! moments this week, that have helped me remind myself that I am on-track and that I am doing ok - and that I do matter and I have made a difference, if only in a few lives.

I guess I take for granted some things, some things I didn't realize I take for granted... this week has awoken me and reminded me that things are great, I have amazing people in my life and I am loved.

On that note, on Monday night I had a phone call from someone that I never thought would have called, someone I had forgotten cared, because said person hasn't showed he has cared in a long long long long time. Yup, BINGO, SHAZAM, my brother called. Made me bawl, but it was a good talk. He reminded me that he isn't always there for me, but if I need him, he is there. He reminded me that things will get better and that they weren't as bad as they seemed and that maybe it was time to focus on me. He made some more comments that were more personal and I don't feel like sharing, but all in all the guy showed he cared!!

I received a facebook message earlier today, one that reminded me that sometimes a person can make a difference in people's lives even when you don't realize it or expect it. Growing up there was only one other kid my age in town (for a while there were a couple others... but it was always Mike and I). Mike's mother owned the store, and his family lived above the store. Mike has a younger sister and brother. They became like family, his mother became like my second mother. I was always at their house. We played games, we had joint birthday parties (we're two days apart!), we had kool-aid stands, we played ojia (sp?!) board, we explored town and the surrounding areas and we researched the history of town... And his siblings were always in toe. Their parents split when Mike and I were in grade two or three. When his sister hit high school she fell into the wrong crowd of people, which I found crushing... I tried to get her to see she could do better, she could bring her grades up... but there was only so much I could do. When I was in the Netherlands, I was talking to my mom and she told me how Mike's sister was going through a really rough patch. So I started writing her letters on a regular basis. I reminded her that I had faith in her, that she was capable of great things and that she was like the little sister I never had.... That's all I could do. We talked about things that were happening in our lives.

I got a message from her today, totally out of the blue. She updated me on her life, asked me what was going on in my life and then let me know that I was a great role model in her life and thanked me for that. She thanked me.

Those two conversations were something I needed this week. To squash my fears of being inferior, and not mattering. I need to tackle my self esteem problems, I am working on it. It doesn't happen over night - although that would be fan-freaken-tastic! Step by Step - day by day - I am making a difference, to myself and perhaps those around me... or so I hope!

... a rollercoaster...

That's right, today has been a rollercoaster, and if you know me well, you will know how much I love those.
Why am I blogging?! Because that's what I do when I am trying to figure things out, I know a couple of you have checked for updates - and there's been nothing. It took some time to compose myself and come up with some words.

I am not angry, I don't harbour resentment, I don't have any strong feels of hate - just confused, lonely, sad and hurt. Which is worse, I am not sure. All I know is that yes there were plenty of tears shed (a good three or four hours worth) but I am ok, and I will be ok.

I am not perfect, and I know that, just sometimes I wish I could be more perfect. I wish I had done things differently to avoid this outcome. I know it's not over, and that in a couple of months there will be another opportunity, but that doesn't help right now.

Oddly enough it took something like this to bring me back with the girls, I spent time with Trista and Jessi at the school today, while skipping English and while taking some time to chill before coming home. Andrea came to the rescue with pizza. We then set out on a mission to find season three of Gilmore Girls. We ended up roaming the mall, chatting, getting ice cream and Gilmore Girls. It was nice to be reminded that I do have some amazing friends in my life. It was odd to be on the opposite side of what is now known as Roommate Rule #32, but lucky for me I have an amazing roommate.

Tomorrow's a new day, and the sun will shine, and I plan to make a day of it. I think Kelly is coming for a visit, which is nice. I also think that Krystal and Clay are sending me money for gas or a bus ticket to come for a visit.

This is a whole new experience for me. I have been broken up with before, I have been the one to break up with someone. But it has never mattered, I never honestly cared this much about another individual. So it stings. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... chin held high, smile on face and positive thoughts... maybe that will come tomorrow.