... sometimes ...

Sometimes I have a tendancy to doubt myself, to doubt my decisions and to doubt my abilities. I start to question decisions I have made and ones I am going to be making. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve what I have. I have always done it but I hope it is something that doesn't continue forever. I will make it clear right now, that I don't doubt relationship decisions, that's one place I am confident in.

It's more or less things like, did I make a difference, does anyone notice what I do, have I picked the right program of study in school, will I get good enough grades....etc. etc.

I have had a rough week, done more thinking than a normal person should. I am trying to figure out which school to go to in the fall. Where to live for the summer. Where to get a summer job. All of that fun stuff. I want to figure it out soon-ish, so I can give Andrea the chance to find a place - with or without me.

I have been stressed with some stuff, which I am beginning to figure out, nothing too major.

At the same time I have had a couple of AH-HAH! moments this week, that have helped me remind myself that I am on-track and that I am doing ok - and that I do matter and I have made a difference, if only in a few lives.

I guess I take for granted some things, some things I didn't realize I take for granted... this week has awoken me and reminded me that things are great, I have amazing people in my life and I am loved.

On that note, on Monday night I had a phone call from someone that I never thought would have called, someone I had forgotten cared, because said person hasn't showed he has cared in a long long long long time. Yup, BINGO, SHAZAM, my brother called. Made me bawl, but it was a good talk. He reminded me that he isn't always there for me, but if I need him, he is there. He reminded me that things will get better and that they weren't as bad as they seemed and that maybe it was time to focus on me. He made some more comments that were more personal and I don't feel like sharing, but all in all the guy showed he cared!!

I received a facebook message earlier today, one that reminded me that sometimes a person can make a difference in people's lives even when you don't realize it or expect it. Growing up there was only one other kid my age in town (for a while there were a couple others... but it was always Mike and I). Mike's mother owned the store, and his family lived above the store. Mike has a younger sister and brother. They became like family, his mother became like my second mother. I was always at their house. We played games, we had joint birthday parties (we're two days apart!), we had kool-aid stands, we played ojia (sp?!) board, we explored town and the surrounding areas and we researched the history of town... And his siblings were always in toe. Their parents split when Mike and I were in grade two or three. When his sister hit high school she fell into the wrong crowd of people, which I found crushing... I tried to get her to see she could do better, she could bring her grades up... but there was only so much I could do. When I was in the Netherlands, I was talking to my mom and she told me how Mike's sister was going through a really rough patch. So I started writing her letters on a regular basis. I reminded her that I had faith in her, that she was capable of great things and that she was like the little sister I never had.... That's all I could do. We talked about things that were happening in our lives.

I got a message from her today, totally out of the blue. She updated me on her life, asked me what was going on in my life and then let me know that I was a great role model in her life and thanked me for that. She thanked me.

Those two conversations were something I needed this week. To squash my fears of being inferior, and not mattering. I need to tackle my self esteem problems, I am working on it. It doesn't happen over night - although that would be fan-freaken-tastic! Step by Step - day by day - I am making a difference, to myself and perhaps those around me... or so I hope!